Yes Harker, one door opens another closes, or vice versa. There is grief associated with the doors that had to close. In my case they were often forced to close. I was thinking today how tired and fed-up I am from constantly shifting my focus, my plans and goals because I had to - it being forced upon me. Decks of cards flying away in the breeze. Samex - I understand that 'need' to be quite open about the experience and all that was happening, I was only 23 when when it happened to me(the first time), and I experienced a lot of revelations about life and the puppet theatre around me; it was a new world I was in. All my thoughts and feelings though were swiftly shoved back down my throat. If I brought it up in any way, I it was deemed that I was feeling sorry for myself. Horrible, horrible times. Silly, no not a day goes by without me thinking of it too - it is my life. I've come to accept this, and embrace it even - as simply: just my life and my experience. You've got to find your circles, if you can, which is I think vital for ones own sanity, healing and quality of life. This takes huge effort though, because we are all locked away in isolation, buried in hospital appointments, diets books and research papers on cancer and what causes it, some of us are not even mobile... So, it's really yet another task to get around to doing, if you are lucky enough to be even able. The internet is useful in that way, and Harker yes, this site is helpful in that respect, finally. ... View more

Hi Rubes1984, Hi everyone.. Yes, it's frickin hard. I've felt that I have to listen to everyone else - about their mortgages, kids, car payments - whatever, but there is an unwritten law that I dare not talk about this illness, or my experience with it. If it's taken up your life though - as it has mine - it's kind of the only thing in my life, so I'm pretty much left with nothing to say apart from general chatter (the weather?). Then people wonder why you don't have anything to say. It's driven me to the point of despair sometimes as I want to interact but I feel silenced. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. ... View more

Hey Julie, I get your meaning, and to break it down to two minds rather than many helps to narrow it down. I think the thing that gets me is that it's when a person is at their most vulnerable and in their most need that the disappearing act happens. I find it dumbfounding that that seems to be the way it is. The equations seems unbalanced to me, but I mean in a physics or philosophical context, not meaning a moral one. Second, the very basic selfish side of human nature is so glaringly and unashamedly exposed in such a situation in that, the uncomfortableness of the more well person wins over the needs that the unwell person may have. I mean, have we become so frightened of another's suffering that we can't write a note or txt a message? I am meaning here when we have had long-term friends as in the example above. Third and finally, it gets me, in idealistic principle mind you, that the person who feels uncomfortable actually holds in their power the potential to make a positive difference in the other's life, if only they could get over themselves for a moment. Don't take this as being judgemental or harsh, it is the way it is I understand, it just seems a shame that we don't strive, or aim even just a tad more for the sake of others. People are very busy looking after their own needs, and for some people (and corporations as we are seeing) it's a never ending black hole that they end up losing themselves in, and then they're no good to anyone :). Your way is easier to process; putting it down to fear is tidy and likely much wiser. If I processed it this way I likely wouldn't run the risk of adding a stomach ulcer to my list of troubles. ... View more

Hi everyone.. Careme, I felt the same when I heard other's stories. For years I felt like it was me - where they all silently glad that I was going through it, that they had dodged a bullet.. I still find it dumbfounding that people do the disappearing act! Not entirely sure what to make of it, my feelings are very mixed and intense about it. Sarah ... View more

Hi Peanutz, hi SILLY and Pamela It all sounds so confusing and frightening and stressful and plain overwhelming... I feel for you. There's nothing I can do or say to take anything away.. We can only hear, listen and read your posts. I think it's accurate to say too that there is a collective nod that goes on here; many of us have been through the chaotic horror and would take away the pain from another person if only we could. Counselling can really help to slow things down and provide support through the fury (the "What world are these people in?"), but, understandably, you probably cannot imagine having time or headspace to fit that in right now, your focus is on the "doing", the practical. Think it's called survival mode. Keep going, you have support here. Kind regards, Sarah ... View more

Hi Peanuts, you're not alone in your despair, there seems to be a lot of people that I come across these days who express the same feelings, ie, that people more and more just don't care. Some people on the other hand don't experience this. I'm still trying to figure out the discrepancy - maybe people are just too busy these days and stressed with morgages and car loans. I sometimes ponder that people in the medical industry get plain sick and tired of being faced with pathetic sick people all the time (mind you, it's not all of them). Don't stop leaning and expressing your 'stuff' on this site, it's here to support you and your partner. You need all the support you can get in this time. Sarah. ... View more

Hello dear Jeaneil, dear girl, I am feeling for your loss right now and so sorry for your loss. Your companion and friend gone, just like that, I am very sorry for your loss.. 42 years is quite some time and I think of course you remain married still, and he is with you, closer than ever. The abstraction of death is so very hard on mind and soul - where do they go?? Why don't we know? Why is this hidden? Here one moment; gone the next.. Is life that simplistic? What's on the other side, why don't we know and how can we find out.. All the impossible questions.. Dear Jeaneil, we are thinking of you and your husband. xxoo ... View more

Hey Jules, I just saw your message and had to respond before I turn the light out. What you wrote brought a tear to my eye; your weary tone can be detected in your writing (or is that just me ;), and I remember what it was like. It still visits in fact; the anxiety was with me today at work. For me, another of the souvenirs post-illness. I am not fully cured mind you, I simply live with it; it's "managed". The reason for the tear though was that yes, there is so much tiredness and frazzle, then there is chemo-brain too, and/or usually PTSD, simple talk is difficult let alone even the smallest of office politics. Things of work and all the petty details are so very insignificant, yet, you must put effort into making them appear not so, lest you're the next on the redundancy chopping block. Or so it was for me. I for one was on the cusp of a nervous breakdown for many years, a couple of decades counting the second bout of cancer in my 30s. I have passed over that cusp more than once too. I really feel for you and understand how speaking up on this in anyway, is simply too much to consider. Maybe it seems relatively too small to worry about, maybe you just cannot get your words together, maybe you are worried about it coming out wrong or being perceived wrong, or many any number of other frightening options, it's just one day at a time to managing anything. Sorry, I don't mean to speak for you Jules, I do know we are all different, some of our experiences though are similar and if yours anything close to the situations I encountered around struggling with work my heart goes out to you and sends you strength and support to find a job or career path that will offer something more comfortable and rewarding. Sarah ... View more

Hi Silly, you are right, I find people shocking too - both with what they think and what they say. I see it though that, better they expose their thoughts and skewed thinking openly so at lease I, and others in the community, know what we are dealing with. Otherwise these ideas fly under the radar. So, happy forthem to reveal themselves :) She realised what she said after, and I suspect it has given her something to reflect on for a while. Whether she changes her perspective in time or not cannot be assessed, we here mostly figure that this doesn't happen until something like what we have been through has been experienced. Who knows - maybe if I didn't get cancer at 21 I would've had similar notions? I sometimes wonder who I might've been without the time this disease has demanded from me. Sarah ... View more

Jules2 - that sounds plain awful... and... and, well, it really get to me. It gets to me that not only do we go through the illness and the massive fallout afterward - emotional, spiritual, intellectual and again physical (rebuilding a weak toxified and traumatised body), we have to manage the world outside of us that goes on in its normal way; survival of the fittest, and we re-enter not at all the fittest. I remember coming back into the world and it was a new world; a new planet. It was like the Star Wars bar (if anyone's seen that), or Mad Max.. Is there anyway you can speak to a supervisor Jules? The union? I wonder if your work is aware of your condition. Sometimes we tell them, sometimes we don't. I for one don't tell anyone anything anymore, lest they see me as a meal to gobble up. Only some of my close friends know. Incidentally, I was out Sat night with my "close" friends and one women made the (slip) comment that illness - including cancer was a way that the earth purges the weak to preserve against over-population. I want to punch people like that until their genetic prejudices (or darwinetics) are knocked the hell out of them. I would ideally like to avoid them, however I've noticed that I would have no one to hang out with (already lost so many thro the illness), and I wouldn't have an insight into their despicably fascist and ignorant social eugenic ideals. Anyhow Jules2, it sounds like work place bullying to me, are you able to speak up? In my opinion, people like that should take a backseat for a while until they can learn to respect others, have compassion, and work together striving for no loss to anyone. ... View more