There are lots of "dickheads" around 🙂 ... View more

Hi Dasha, I didn't mean to assume, there wasno way of telling the whole picture so just thought sharing my thoughts/experience may give a new perspective. I don't think you've made him out to be a "monster". Dasha and Peanutz - you clearly are both there for these men and are both doing everything you can - have you tried stating just that? You both sound under enormous strain and grief I really feel for you. You know, personally I don't see any problem with simply (finding a firm an kind way) saying - "Look, I do a lot for you, I know that you are suffering and that you are afraid, but, we are in this together, I am suffering with you, not as much perhaps but in order to support you I need your support too, so please don't speak to me like that" or, even stating firmly that you've had quite enough, as I suspect that there is some emotional regression (to childhood) going on, so treating them as naughty children may be useful too. Some things that you have both mentioned here sound close to (or even are), full-blown abuse and is (in my opinion), not to be accepted and the abuser must be given boundaries, as otherwise, this situation will/can wear you both down and will help no one. I really think it's ok to be firm. As if the situation is not difficult enough.. I appreciate these things are complex, and are not likely to be solved over night, but, I hope you can get different perspectives here from a range of people, as well as support from everyone. Sorry you are having such a difficult time. Keep reaching out. Sarah. ... View more

Hi little stitcher You'd be hard-pressed I imagine to get him involved in cross-stitch for sure! Why I mentioned more masculine tasks - tell him to go build a boat, pergolla, or a time-machine :) Somany people say they not creative, you have to get around them by calling it a "project" or "task" or something ;) Good luck 🙂 ... View more

Hi little stitcher, More than often the fallout comes later - a year or two. I believe this is due to the fact that, at the time you are in survival mode, it's pure biological and primal survival. It's only after that, that the brain and spirit begin processing what was just gone through, then the shock hits, along with the tears and pain. Finally, you can grieve and process - something that there wasn't time for when the focus was on keeping the biological system alive. Also, there is the added blows of "chem brain" (can search this well known side-effect), and post traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) to contend with, again, comes after the fact. The emotions run very high at this time, and the brain is (can be) in trauma. A support group can be helpful, 1:1 counselling too, creative arts - gardening, join a "Men's shed", or other group, doing a building project, painting, bush walking, mosaic-ing.. (to express the inexpressible; trauma is said to lie within the non-verbal parts of the system so a start to dislodging it, and processing it is to do things that are non-verbal). Really working on a project that can allow time for reflection. Writing about it can help too. All depends what suits the person best, but highly important and valuable in my opinion (and experience) to take time out to acknowledge this healing process of the journey. Even to the point that it is scheduled and disciplined time consciously put away to do the "my healing project", state it and do it, not in an airy-fairy way :) All the very best, and congratulations for getting through such a tough journey together. Sincerely, Sarah. ... View more

Hi Rita, from what I understand, depending on the illness, how "agressive" the cancer is, and what organs to navigate around, depends on the dose of chemo: the higher the dose the sicker the patient will be. You say your friend is on extreme chemo, sounds like same as what I was on - Hodgkins Lymphoma=agressive=high dose, once every 2 weeks. The first one is the easiest, I'm sorry to say. From there on you just start feeling almost able to eat or function a bit, then you are hit again. To say it's exhausting and terrifying doesn't describe the depth and breadth of it. I would advise that, it's ok to show emotion and cry with her - it will only demonstate that you empathise, that you feel for her, and that you love her. It gets really hard being the only one seemingly emotional around the illness, with everyone else around not showing any emotion (seemingly feeling nothing). Made me feel sometimes that no one was feeling anything for me at all. Then again, good to show that you are strong too, able to handle it, and be strong for her to support her. Hope this helps. You're a good friend, don't give up on her. Sarah. ... View more

Hi Dasha, Can I share my experience? I remember being so angry in my chemo - angry at everyone because I was (unconsciously) sure that they were going to leave me to die, or, didn't care if I did die. I don't know if you have experienced similar but, as is my experience - thing is, when you get that close to death, you are suddenly faced with the reality that, life will go on without you - the (bloody) sun will keep shining, the (damned) birds chirping and your family and friends will get to live on, without you!! It's truly terrifying and insulting to your own life to be faced with the fact that, in reality, you can be here one day, gone and forgotten the next. My lashing out was in desperate fear I realise now - I was terrified of dying, wanted to push at people and see how much they would tolerate - amongst many other things that are too complex and too hard to unpack just here, now. Keep in mind, I didn't realise it at the time as I was craaaazy with fear - it really is just so primal. On top of this you have the frustration of not being able to "do" much (sometimes anything) with that energy to affirm yourself or your life in some way (like walking, working or even reading because you are so sick you cannot focus), so, to add to that, you are intensely bored, and where as once you may have distracted yourself from uncomfortable feelings (drinking, going out, watching tv), now nothing does it for you - and, as said, you cannot focus anyhow. What I really needed to hear in my time - again, in retrospect - was that people loved me, that they would stick by me, support me, and that they wanted me to live and be in the world; that the world will miss me if I did die, but, of course there was no way they were going to let that happen. I also wanted to be reassured that I was not going through it alone, that someone would walk every step with me, and give me strength. Additionally, I needed to be shown a more gentle way of getting through it, and perhaps how to face such intense emotions and new, uncharted territory - maybe meditation would've helped at the time - something that was discovered afterwards and was huge. I also craved nature - trees, green, earth, birds, animals to draw strength from. But of course, no one would take me to the country. It seemed apparent that everyone was doing just what they needed to do at that time - the obligatory visit, drops-off to chemo (and then leave to go to the giftshop or cafe because chemo was boring for them). Mostly it was obvious that they wanted to get on with their lives that provided them with more quality, and was not so depressing, as soon as they could. Many times I could see them edging for the door, and not really interested or listening. No one really wanted to just sit with me, hear my concerns, fears, regrets, hopes, dreams, or unusual thoughts and imaginings during my experience. Or just sit with me. Would your hubby do anything creative at this time? Is he able to get on with a small project - something he's never done before. Is there something that you both may be able to do together? Sit and read to him something that can help him come to terms and gently open his emotions? Are you able to simply ask him to open up about his fears and anger at a time and place that will be supportive and safe for him to do so? Just some thoughts. I realise we are not all the same, and indeed it is common understanding that men fear exploring/discussing their emotions. May be why it might well be all the more difficult to handle. All the best, I hope I've given an other's perspective that will be of help. Sarah. ... View more

Hi Shennanigans, What can I say? Your best friend too - that is very touching. You have a long road ahead of you I believe, yes, and a strange and surreal rollercoaster ride.. Something in your post however tells me you know this already on some level. My grandmother died 10 weeks back, and then my lovely cat of 19 years died a fortnight ago - they were both complicated deaths so makes it more difficult (can Google "complicated grief"). My uncle who was my grandmother's carer, and only a year older than me is going through extraordinary grief atm, and me with my cat. Grief is a strange thing; you will come out the other side, but not without going through the depths. I am glad to hear you have a brother, and presumably other family to pull together with; it will make it more of a rich and loving experience. Or so I believe. I'm sure others here will give their thoughts and support in due time. Wish you all the best. Sarah. ... View more

Hi Peanutz, I hear your frustration too, I truly do. Like SILLY said I am sorry also. I remember going thro the same things - and it made me crazy with stress and frustration, and also made it really apparent that, the system is not what it portrays itself as. I get your frustration and utter dismay when you got the "wrong number" - I imagine you were furious with frustration. What I can say from my experience is that it is typical. I remember starving with no food and unable to wash myself, alone in a large house, there was no help anywhere that I could find. Yet, there were ads seemingly everywhere the media could dispense, giving me - and everyone else - the impression that there was help everywhere. Again, different story when you in it. I think the other thing that might be going on with you (with me also at (all) the times), is incredible trauma and high-stress. I think it's important not to underestimate what effect this traumatising experience will have on your interpretation of the world around you, and how you cope with it's imperfections - e.g.: your adrenaline and cortisol (amongst many other hormones etc) is running very, very high right now and it is likely putting your system "under the pump" - not to mention the emotional/spiritual distress. All in all what you get is a looped feedback system that may need some external/third-party (objective) force to guide you, i.e., you may be so close that you are getting stress overload, and exhausted. Poor love. We understand, we've all been through it, or similar, it's why we're here. So of course, I am suggesting counselling for someone to support you and your partner - or even, just you - through this. The more external support you alone get at this time, the more you can efficiently and effectively support your partner right now too. That is of course depending on if you can fit the time in amongst everything else. Which I understand might seem impossible. Often is the case that counselling and support stuff gets put off till after, after we are through the survival mode. which I completely understand too. It's all very complex. At least you can do is keep in touch on the forum and keep reaching out - well done for doing just that (personally I have a habit of isolating). Anyhow, these are just my thoughts and experiences, I share that they may be of help, or at least that you might feel less alone in your experience right now. I wish you all the best. Sarah ... View more

Hi felix, is there any reason it was republished with changed visibility settings and is no longer available in its original form outside of that private group? Just curious. Sarah ... View more