About Allicat

Allicat

I had my second anniversary while I was on holiday in America. Because of the time difference the actual Melbourne-time anniversary was on the evening before. It was about 10.30am on 7 October 2010 when I was given my cancer diagnosis. I remember sitting in the waiting room beforehand with the only worry on my mind the fact that I was going to be late for work. The time difference thing made the anniversary seem a bit less relevant although I still thought about it. If I had been at work I would have been writing the date all day which I think would have been bothersome so it was good to be on holiday.

Allicat

Thanks Silly. We got back today - we had a great time! But it is also good to home with my cat and my own bed.

Allicat

Silly, it does seem unprofessional. That's a good way of putting it. It makes me quite annoyed. She needs to respect my right to my beliefs or lack-of beliefs the same way I respect her right to her beliefs. I don't want to be converted. I have never understood how religious people reconcile the sometimes crappiness of life with the idea of a God that cares for us. Obviously they do reconcile it somehow so maybe she didn't realise the problem she presented me with by suggesting there's a God who cares about me. I think when I'm at the counsellor I am a bit vulnerable and I want to believe in what she says so it messes me up more than if just a regular person said something. Because really I don't believe in God so it doesn't matter what she believes about him. But it does matter because how does it make sense inside her head that I got cancer? I'm going around in circles here. The only other time my counsellor had mentioned any religious ideas was when she asked if was ok if she and the other staff prayed for me when I was having my mastectomy. I said that was fine and it was. I quite liked the idea just because they meant it kindly and were basically sending me goodwill. Harker, your different reactions to prayer and remote healing were interesting. I think I would have felt the same.

Allicat

Today at counselling I mentioned some nerves about my upcoming holiday. The counsellor said she would pray for me and my sister to be safe while away and therefore God would make it be ok. I am an atheist so I gave her a doubtful look and she was like, yes, truly, God will look after you. She said she knew I didn't believe and so she wasn't going to get into it with me. Partly because of that but mainly because it was almost the end of session I bit back my strong desire to ask in that case why God had given me and my sister cancer. I have never been bothered by the question of "why me" about why I got I cancer. There is no answer and there's no use worrying about it. But now I feel bothered. I don't believe in God so obviously it is illogical to say "why did God give me cancer". Maybe what bothers me is that she believes in God and thinks he cares about us so what does she think about why I got cancer? How can she say God will protect me from harm when he obviously won't? Does she think he was punishing me but now he's forgiven me so will look after me now? She obviously did not mean to upset me but sometimes she accidentally does. Maybe I should not go to a counselling service that is attached to a church. But in some funny way I trust the church. Or, at the least female non-clergy members of it.

Allicat

I feel the same Silly. My 2nd anniversary of diagnosis is in one month and I count myself a survivor. Treatment is over and I'm still here. Cancer may one day come back but that doesn't stop me from being a survivor now. Lucky or unlucky? I was unlucky to get breast cancer at a relatively young age - I read that only 2% of diagnoses are in women under 35. So that was unlucky and annoying. But I was also lucky that it was diagnosed before it had spread and I came through treatment better than most. So on the whole I count myself as lucky.

Allicat

Hi Glenys, How are you? I haven't heard from you for a while. I hope things are going ok. Are you scheduled for knee surgery soon? I have had a lot of headaches recently and been feeling tired. But apart from that things are good. I have six weeks off work now and I'm leaving for America for a holiday next week. I still think about cancer everyday but it is just in the background. I am still reading the book you recommended "After Cancer". I like it but somehow I've gotten into the habit of only reading it while I'm in the bath so it is taking a while.

Allicat

Thanks Silly. How did you eventually get over your work-stress headache? I saw my counsellor on Tuesday and she said it's from stress. We wrote down some instructions about taking relaxing baths, listening to Enya and not pushing myself so hard. It all sounded sensible at the time and a bit less so once I got home. But I will try it. She also said that I coped "too well" during treatment and now it's catching up with me. I guess she means that I bottled stuff up earlier. I don't feel like I did but I know I have done that with other things in the past so maybe she's right. I still have a headache but not quite as bad. I remember a couple of months ago there were a couple of days at work where two of my workmates were driving me mad asking me questions all day. I think maybe that was the final straw that triggered the headache. So, in that case does it mean it's work-stress not post-cancer-stress? I guess it can be a combination of both. Anyway, I have one more day of work and then I am on annual leave for 6 weeks! In one week from now I will be on a plane on my way to Chicago. Hopefully having a holiday and a change from the routine will be good for curing both my headache and stress.

Allicat

Hi Charlie, That's good chemo is finished but it can take a while to feel better afterwards. I know that as soon as mine was finished I was wanting to feel magically better but it took a while. And then even when I thought I was all fine and recovered I wasn't yet. I had gotten used to feeling a bit ill so as I got better I thought that was as good as people could feel but then after a while I felt amazingly better. I hadn't been able to remember than you could feel that well. Hopefully you will be gradually feeling better soon. Just take it easy. I had 4 months of chemo which finished in February last year. I had only slight tingly numbness in my fingers so I don't know what is like losing feeling in hands & feet. I had a total of 4 surgeries including a unilateral mastectomy. I was petrified beforehand but I got through it. Something that helped me was having something planned to look forward to a couple of weeks after the surgery. I had trouble believing in the idea that I would have a mastectomy and still be a person afterwards so having an event marked down in my calendar for the "afterwards" time was helpful. Best wishes

Allicat

Thanks for all the hugs! I feel very comforted. The results from the Brain CT and Blood Test were normal apart from still having a low while cell count. The doctor suggests taking panadol for a week - he said it might be "a migrainey type thing". I found some panadol in the cupboard so I will try that. I am also wondering if my headache is actually due to stress or depression. I made an appointment with my counsellor for tomorrow.

Allicat

Hi Suzie, Ovary removal was mentioned only in passing and nobody suggested that I should have them removed. I was 33 when I was diagnosed (35 now) and maybe that is recommended more for older women? I'm not sure. I go to the hospital every month for my injection. I can generally go at 8.30am which allows me to be only slightly late for work. I just pop in and see my nurse and it is not much trouble. I quite like staying in such regular touch with the hospital. The injection itself involves a jab in my butt and the needle stays in for 10-20 seconds. Sometimes it hurts but not badly. Sometimes my butt/hip ache a little for a day or so afterwards but that happened more in the first 6 months and not so much now. Basically it's fine. Glad you're going well on the tamoxifen. Hopefully the zolodex will be good to you too.

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