Hi Minx Hmm crap, now that you ask, in 5 minutes though all be OK..... until some anniversary of Lorraine's demise crops up or someone new asks (its the new people somehow makes it especially fresh again (I think you wait in ambush:)). Each time though its a little easier and a little bit longer between feeling the grief anxiety guilt anger loneliness --its all there all encompassing and its all about me, These are the things I know and talk to myself to allow and not deny my grief:- Its my feelings; Its my reactions; and it will change after it wells up and I will change again and I will get caught up with daily life happenings and then I get caught in the guilt that I am forgetting her, forgetting Lorraine. I don't want to forget her I want her memory I want her here .....its surreal somehow our life together, Lorraine's death was/seems a lifetime ago. Overall I am OK and all this is healthy (I hope this makes sense) I am out of the initial and intense grief. All this is the progress of my grief; others experiences may/ will be different. I wish you all the intimacy with your Pete for this weekend and thereafter, it can be a scary to be honest and open. If it is done with best intent forgiveness and listening. The art of listening is very important Lorraine's tumour took away her ability to communicate. Nevertheless I needed, and I asked for her forgiveness I did this close to her death (1-2 weeks maybe it was longer) Even though she was full of morphine I perceive that she had heard me at other levels than consciousness I am human I have short comings of who I would best be of how I would wished to be for Lorraine. I guess that I am still saying is that even yet I find it hard to forgive myself for not being the person I would wish to have been for Lorraine; and yet that changes again for I do. In some ways it does not matter. Our experience together, me with Lorraine, the act of, and the stripping away of what I could was the real essence. She shared with me her death her dying - their is no greater gift I tell a lie, it was a tad longer than 5 minutes So many hugs for your journey with Pete Minx Geoff ... View more

Hi Minx Loved the expression, there is no other appropriate word Practically have you (or someone) have the power of attorney If not organise while he still is cognitive You can have the forms signed by your local chamber magistrate (in NSW)and does not cost (alternate is your solicitor). The both of you will need to see the magistrate and he/she will assess whether your partner is of sound mind to make that choice As he gets worse you will have to take over his affairs and that document will allow you to best manage. Get numerous copies of the document and then signed by a justice of the peace as a true copy of the original - so you can use those forms when needed. Keep the original in a safe place and have contact with your local palliative care You will need support. Geoff. ... View more

Hi Smiley Lorraine was fortunate to be able to be on Avastin when its was still being trailed last year. Avastin helped for 3 months before a new tumour started. Avastin was tolerable. Others have had much longer success with this drug. Caring thoughts Geoff ... View more

Trish Just a big hug for you Geoff ... View more

Hi Virginia Shellharbour - South coast it has a rugged beauty about it I now live at Forster surrounded by national parks and large lakes, its a softer beauty. I also lived in Coogee during the 80s so Nick and I possibly crossed paths? I recognise the phrase from Tthe Course in Miracles – there is love or fear, in the end there is only love, all else is illusion.....This can be my perception when I am quiet and ‘in torch’ Lorraine was born in Jersey - England. She lived in England till 5 or 6 years old (then Fiji till 11-12; New Zealand till 17, then Sydney Australia) Lorraine’s depression after the death of her son was related to the same type thought process, the incredible guilt, regret and grief. Relationships of mothers and sons have such deep bonds and ties. (well both of you do). Maybe not of your choice, your respective sons have been strong teachers for you……….and I look on in awe of your experiences. Interesting you and Lorraine have lived seemingly parallel lives (with some differences in the detail). You maybe interested just heard of a book (just ordered) called ‘Levels of Life’ by Julian Barnes. His wife died from brain cancer 5-6 years ago ……. I believe that he is open/ raw with his emotions, I believe he tells a story of his grief and thoughts of suicide (what kept him from suicide was the memory of his wife would die as well) You are a very insightful and caring woman Virginia, Nick was blessed to have been with you. Thank you for your thoughts Geoff ... View more

Hi Virginia Wow the sandstone you found and sanded sounds /paints a warm scene…. a nice compassionate memory. Did you bury Nick in Bronte cemetery? Nick came from NZ? Re my use of 'made up perception'. I am aware of my history and culture that I relate to and mainly co-shared with Lorraine. She had ‘A Course in Miracles’ (it’s a left wing Christianity with no hieratical structure) amongst others - Kwan Yin important female in Buddhist teachings (Compassion) With the death of her son Craig, the experience propelled her in deep places of long term grief and through this she found forgiveness of herself She later practiced it on others in everyday life with varying degrees and with detachment from outcomes. With her tumour she seemed to further refined it ( or it was a part of the process for her grief of her own death and losing the need to control outcomes and the attachment to the material things…... well most things …there was one area she ummm f#ck up in - one that I relish for her humanness. With this I reckon that I got her cornered I can kick her back downstairs for another reincarnated experience…(she said that she was finished with this world, The world is old and tired - never coming back). I on the other hand have got something’s to work out ....so I reckon she’s now nearly a bodhisattva and the thing to do is to kick her out of the comfort area.... Well I did say that I need to work a few things out After Lorraine’s death I lived in an intense world of Beethoven’s 9th the Ode to Joy each time perceiving/projecting her for her spiritual reunification -so I am so coloured by what I want for her, thus I use the terms made up perception. The experience may /may not be true – I do not know but I embrace this thought of her experience Me… not so “strong” … I am frayed and a tad deeper than,” at the edges”, resilient maybe better word but sometimes I wonder. Re your Bronte area -Lorraine and I used to live in South Coogee 1989 then again for 5 years 94-99. Many walks along the cliff with our dog Jetsam for him to socialise with other dogs at Trenerry Reserve sometimes up to Clovelly..... Memories and Nick with NZ - Lorraine during her teenage years lived Christchurch then Wellington before coming over here to Sydney. Her mum and sister live in Martinborough Parallel universes - Quantum physics quarks and the elusive Higgs boson particle whatever it is- get to the finer life experiences, perceptions dissolve. Thank you for your inappropriate sharing/caring comment. That was nice, I found comfort. Hugs Geoff ... View more

Hi Silly We crossed treads a few times last year in this site. How are you and is your ACC still under control? and the memories of your dads death so long ago. Just hugs 🙂 Geoff ... View more

Hi Virginia We walk parallel paths, so yes to your observation Lorraine died in October, so about 3 months earlier than Nick. A brain tumour too, commonly called GBM grade 4 brain tumour. My intense memories are/have been fading and I do not want them to go for they are what I have left, but they go. Anniversaries are intense times:- - Monthly, - 6 monthly - Times when things turned for the worse (when Avastin treatment failed to further control her tumour and we were told. Then I was vague driving next day & got booked for speeding - bastard cop - he copped the edge of my grief on that day - I don't envy them their jobs) - when she had multiple fits, then for 2 weeks in hospital, then back home with hospital bed & wheelchair. That was the start of the final stage………… this is an anniversary that looms for August They are some of the major anniversaries what I have experienced Lorraine was special. She taught an art of forgiveness. I forge my memory of her around this and it’s something I travel. Her specialness gets more so as time goes, it’s a by-product of grief process and my memory - I try to keep her in perspective. I made a special ritual for Lorraine’s 6 months anniversary. Another small gathering for Lorraine’s burial, just before 6 months after her death. …..her ashes have been with me since she died. She wanted to be buried with her son (he died from heroine OD and that is another story a grieving process I don't want to experience again seeing her travel through those dark days). I scattered a small portion of her remaining ashes off Manly Point and Fairy Bower – Sydney. There was a small group of people doing a baptism in the quiet ocean bay of Fairy Bower near sunset, just after I did the last of her ashes nearby,…….. One of those synchronicities in life it was a nice touch…….. a made up perception of mine is of Lorraine having the same experience on another level. There is so much death of close significant people around me this last year – Some close friends in this Cancer site, (Rel died 2 weeks ago), a friend at work suiciding just as Lorraine entered her last 2 months, Lorraine and now her sister Sim who could die shortly (another cancer) In some ways I apologise, the above is my story of anniversaries and is what you could expect or can happen. The experience of Lorraine dying has stripped my caring of what others think so I tend to bare all these days. In another ways I like to be self-indulgent. I don’t have a clear boundary where that line is, what is appropriate. And back to your story ……yes the loneliness never leaves………. it does change though, it transforms “ - no soul mate to hug you, kiss you , share stories with”….. No but thank you for sharing your story with me I am touched by your journey and heartache  ……………………and Silly too (she has posted to your tread too) She has her own story of sudden death - her dad, a significant other being stripped out of her life, and then her own cancer story. Kind hugs to you both, Virginia and Silly Geoff ... View more

Hi Virginia Wow you have been through such a lot with Nick’s death (and your dad’s too?). Your grief is so close to your consciousness/awareness. It’s hard coming back to this site, feelings get freshly reignited …and slowly the flames lessen as I welcome back this old friend, these feelings Lots of hugs Geoff ... View more

Jobeth Lorraine's tumour was located over her communication portion of her brain. One of the last conversations she was able to formulate she would talk of her spiritual experiences (Her belief was A Course in Miracles and she was articulate and an intellectual). Her words and writing became babble shortly after and I hope that her belief system sustained her (well so it appeared & or it was just the numbness that comes with the restriction to her thought process) I lost those aspects of her, then there was still the underlying Lorraine. She shared with me her death and dying...there was no more intimate and sharing experience she could have given. Geoff ... View more