Hi Deni have not been on this site for such a long time. A friend is having ongoing concerns with her mum who has cancer coupled with depression, and was wanting counselling to get clearer insight and debriefing for herself I recommended this site and recalled the initial difficulty navigating, so to gave her directions I ventured back here. Brought back memories when I found this thread. I have much the same as you have experienced pre Lorraine thoughts, though I with much older body bits now. Its unfair they die and don't grow older. Lorraine had said that she wanted to die before me Before I had little realisation of the deep issues associated with this type of grief (though I had been with her after her son died and she became a shell in the second year - that was a black time to witness) there after she slowly found her way through her grief of depression guilt loss. I experienced how issues of guilt get so magnified, my selfishness ways. My mind still runs the thoughts of what she would have said (though we had the same outlook and blended in most ways) its just not reflected back any more. You sound caring and fragile in your email Warm hugs Geoff ... View more

Hi Nat You who made me laugh one time some 2 and bit years ago, now it sits amongst memories of a best beloved one dying .....they fade Hugs Geoff ... View more

Hi M Portell I saw someone called Lorraine (Lorraine was the name of my partner too, she died 2 years ago) write a comment somewhere in this site and I came across your story while startig to searching for Lorraine. I find your and my stories to be similar, though with differences. Lorraine has written " My mum's journey, which is still going on, has brought me closer to her, has made me more compassionate to many more and and lastly, has made me realize that being a carer is a sacred, unique privilege - even though at the time you can't see that." In this statement she speaks of the commonality of our journeys My Lorraine taught me the art of forgiveness, she said its the hardest of all things to do. She showed me her journey towards her death and her death - the most intimate of all experiences. Down there in the murky depths of extreme emotions that parallels the journey of death lays the experiences that Lorraine (from this site) has spoken of Its a hard crappie journey Its something I hold onto as her gift to me. My heart felt hugs for you .... being thrown back in the anger anxiety depression resignation sorrow or whatever emotion showing at any particular time. "Existing until better days come along" Geoff xo ... View more

Hi Deni I have tried to reply to you away from Minx's blog. I feel she needs acknowledgment and support of her vey fresh grief and loss So I hoped to reach you with a private message cant find the pathway so posted here. Thank you for your thoughts Special warm hugs for your downer day/s and also your days of being ok. Your first anniversary is close nearly a month away. How are you coping? Any special plans/ rituals? If its any constellation I too still don't know where to place my feet although I feel a "cross road/s" is/are coming so I am waiting to see the directions that present (and to find my path without the physical presence of Lorraine) I found the anniversaries of the times when Lorraine's deterioration was significant returned me to my grief. Often it was not until my feelings had subsided and I reflected that I was able to understand. The march of time made my short term memories dissipate It was something that I did not want to loose (its like having a second death of her with the loss of those memories). I can not keep them as they are no longer reinforced by her presence on a day to day mundane level. Now I rely on my intermediate and long term memories. The best part is I also lose the irritating small day to day things that plague relationships. I am also able to call her all those nasty things and she cant retaliate :}....well in this lifetime (as in what is left for me) Then again I had a dream of Lorraine the other night......... OMG she my come back and kick my arse but now in my dreams...........women Hugs Geoff ... View more

Hi Deni I have tried to reply to you away from Minx's blog. I feel she needs acknowledgment and support of her vey fresh grief and loss So I hope this reaches you as a private message. Thank you for your thoughts Special warm hugs for your downer day/s and also your days of being ok. Your first anniversary is close nearly a month away. How are you coping? Any special plans/ rituals? If its any constellation I too still don't know where to place my feet although I feel a "cross road/s" is/are coming so I am waiting to see the directions that present (and to find my path without the physical presence of Lorraine) I found the anniversaries of the times when Lorraine's deterioration was significant returned me to my grief. Often it was not until my feelings had subsided and I reflected that I was able to understand. The march of time made my short term memories dissipate It was something that I did not want to loose (its like having a second death of her with the loss of those memories). I can not keep them as they are no longer reinforced by her presence on a day to day mundane level. Now I rely on my intermediate and long term memories. The best part is I also lose the irritating small day to day things that plague relationships. I am also able to call her all those nasty things and she cant retaliate :}....well in this lifetime (as in what is left for me) Then again I had a dream of Lorraine the other night......... OMG she my come back and kick my arse but now in my dreams...........women Hugs Geoff ... View more

Hi Minx Just a big hi Minx, and hugs Lorraine died 1/09/12 so I am a year into my memories, my grief. And like your Pete, Lorraine allowed me to be with her and witness her last breath. And again we walk a similar path Hugs Geoff ... View more

We all do that to various degrees, struggle to find the "right thing to say" and you get confronted with having to deal with the lie, and what is your immediate future, each time. So what best works for you. How will you deal with us as we ask these inane questions and platitudes Agggh another question......Have you a palliative care team, they can organise some respite. I live in Forster and the team here were excellent I doubt I would have survived without their care and help. Meals on wheels the food is OK but by having this you can free up a lot of your time. $7.50 per meal (was 6 months ago) Biggest problem was being at home when they called (someone has to be there to receive the meal or you need to cancel the next day before 10am? - forgotten)). Make enquiries even if you reject this at this time Just having the knowledge that you can access some help can relive some anxiety associated with the spiral you are on Geoff ... View more

Virginia Full moon too so it entices the crazies:) ----meant in the nicest of ways Welcome to the club Hugs Geoff my phone is still available ... View more

Hi Virginia The last week is where where I got stripped high anxiety and its so raw Its OK my experience the intensity lessens with some time.. Its OK guilt comes through that rawness words don't capture If you want to talk phone no is 65558428...anytime Geoff ... View more

Hugs Virginia........ hugs Geoff ... View more