Oh my dear smartyalligatorpants. It is at times like this we feel angry, as we regret we didn't get to do the things we thought we would. You were robbed. I don't know how many times I lamented.."if only we had...." didn't get me anywhere. I eventually "techniqued" myself into saying OK we didn't get to go on the train trip from sydney to Adelaide (wasn't too much too ask I thought) but we did get 4 amazing nights at Apollo Bay courtesy of friends...I have only just managed to master this technique. It was all about Kevin would have loved/hated/said etc. I exhausted myself. I think Pamela is right. You might want to consider counselling to work through your emotions. My man died Nov 2012 and I felt cheated too and I also felt guilt. What I learned is that guilt is a way we assess and re-asses what we are doing and saying and if we could do it better. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I didn't feel ready to see a counsellor until late Jan 2013 and she was a wonderful help and able to explain what I was feeling and why. At this time your body will be releasing various hormones (grief hormones) which will make you feel up and down. The hormones are there to try and protect you from getting sick at a very vulnerable time. Your defenses are down...remember that. I don't know how old your daughter is. Maybe you can try to explain to her how you feel and that you are still there for her. She may be feeling the same way. Kevin has been gone almost 12months now and I still feel grief. Day to day stuff is ok and I have got on with the more "normal" part of life and can actually laugh genuinely out loud now, but it still isn't the same and never will be. I have accepted the "new" and with time you will too. Be kind to yourself and take some deep breaths and embrace yourself. A friend of mine was widowed very young (over 30years ago) and she still talks about her John and what his thoughts and opinions were and has learned to do so appropriately as I just starting too. she said John may be dead but he is not forgotten. I hope your friends will give you the time and space to talk about your man as if he is still here until you find your comfort zone. Thinking of you...D ... View more

Am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to express the sadness. So sorry for you and yours...D ... View more

Then that is what you must do. Savour every second. I used to look at my man as I sat next to him on the back Porch (the treehouse) at an angle where he couldn't see me face on and I would literally absorb every molecule of him and could not believe that soon he would not be here. I used to say to myself. "well, he is her now and that's all any of us have ...NOW." Enjoy, cherish and savour the special love .....D ... View more

Yes, weird is right. Though I used to say it was so surreal. I lost my partner 10months ago and it has been quite a journey. I wrote to his Car Insurance company as that was the only way I could cancel and stop the direct debit on my card. I then received a letter addressed to the (estate of the late) hoping that kevin would consider re-insuring with them again. Unbeleivable. I wrote to the Executive Manager as it was his signature on the auto generated letter pointing out how insensitive he is. They are going to review their policies. I am now being treated with "undue harshness" by his Super company. We were defactos and kept all our finances seperate (due to his previous marriage) and they are not accepting that we were partners because we didn't have joint names on mortgage and utility bills. After what carers go through emotionally throughout and after their loved one dies, this is a total insult. You think you are through the worst and then you have to deal with this crap. I got through birthday and Christmas ok. However, the upcoming AFL Grand Final has spun me out. Kevin only watched the footy if it was a good game. While he was sick I watched it with hm and developed a bit of an interest which died with him. Last year he had what was to be his 3rd and final op for removing another brain tumor on the Fri before the game. He was most distressed at the thought of missing the game as the Grand Final was like a public holiday to him and he always watched the game. I became very distressed as I knew it would be his last GF and they don't have TV in the HDU. When I got there 2 of the gorgeous nurses had got him dressed in his new trackie and into a wheelchair and told me if I stayed with him, I could take him to the waiting room to watch the game. I got some sandwiches and we enjoyed the game with some other visitors. he was so happy. I remember thinking if this is his last day, then it's ok as he had a great one. I always remember that. He lived another 2 months. I send you and your children lots of love and hope you work through it and that these bureacrats get some training in empathy. ... View more

Haven't been here for ages...thanks to those of you who have sent your love, thoughts and empathy. It has been an up and down ride for the last 14weeks (who's counting) I think of and talk to Kevin all the time. I only remember our good times and his positive qualities now. I have stopped crying and the yearning has subsided. Though everything reminds me of him and how I wish he was here to join in things with me. I am sure he is. As I have said previoulsy, his presence in my life is now a very different one. Work has been good for me and I am starting to fire up again. I went to Canberra a couple of weeks ago and had a little look around and attended a Palliative Care Course for Oncology Massage Therapists. That was pretty amazing and I coped really well. I used to travel a bit for work and pleasure before I met Kevin, so I guess I slipped back into "pre- Kevin." It was ok and I was very proud of myself. I have had 3 grief counselling sessions through Palliative Care which were amazing. I particularly found useful the carte blanche to talk about Kevin and the info re hormones and grieving. That explained a lot about the ups and downs and the awful yearning feelings. I think the hormone is called CRH or just google hormones and grieving. I have also allowed myself to stop grieving for the grief. I was scared that if I let go even a little bit, I would forget him and how I feel about his loss, but I haven't. He is still a joy to me just in a different form. I have managed to also not "over-analyse" what has happened. It just is. I don't know why he had to get brain cancer and die, but he did. Sometimes I feel cross about it and that we couldn't have more than a year. If he had to have cancer, why couldn;t it be a less aggressive. At least we had a year with very little discomfort and a quick, painless end. I wish you all well on your journey and send my love. ... View more

Thanks Rarsie, Yes, still doing ok. Had a mini meltdown today instead of a major one. I think I am now grieving for less grief in my life as i come to terms with my loss, and it can't be changed. Sometimes when I feel strong and in control, I get scared that I will forget how I feel so sad about Kevin's passing. It just has to be allowed to disperse into the universe. At the moment I am still clinging a little bit to the grief. I'm glad you are throwing yourself into helping others. I haven't quite found my "replacement" yet. I know it will come. Watching your baby become a baby again must have been heart wrenching. The hardest thing for me was watching Kevin's intellectual demise more so than the physical. For a grown man he coped and complied with me helping him toilet and shower. He accepted the wheelchair without complaint as well. He was trying to make it easier for me and in doing so, I think he realised it was close to time for him to go. He was saying goodbye to his mates. After he died, one of them told me how he said he was over it. He was a very practical man so this would not have suited him. I don't blame him at all. Just miss him as we all do. Keep up the good work...I'm not sure if living in a small community means you are close and supported or a bit lonely. Try to remember the radiance you shared with Kep. Lots of love and hugs....Deni ... View more

Thanks Harker. you are very, very welcome. I guess we all find our "helpers" in each other and in our own way. Deni ... View more

Thanks Maddie, Hang in there. It does get a little easier and you do become stronger. It is very "up" and "down." I feel I have turned the corner and yet still have those heart wrenching moments. This morning still felt strong and more in control and took a relative for a drive to a place where Kevin and I spent some healing time (probably more me). We had a lovely lunch and all good until I decided to drive past where I stayed after his funeral. There is a cutting in the dirt road with a beautiful, big, strong tree (just like Kevin) and I used to lean against it and feel its healing power. Also hoping he would miraculously appear like the tree. So that did it. I got through the day, but had a mini meltdown when I got home so had to busy myself. This is a big improvement from last week where I would have been inconsoleable and not able to move for about 2 hours. Crying, sobbing and calling out to them feels horrible at the time, then when it stops I usually feel a bit empowered. On the lighter side: As I said, I went home to do a few things like get some clothes (staying at hospital), toiletries, see the cats and have a shower. Is this a hygeine issue??? If i'm not being intrusive, how old was your husband and how long ago was his diagnosis? You don't have to answer. Keep on being!!!Lots of love...Denise ... View more

My partner told me last Christmas was his last (2011) and sadly he was right. My reply at the time was "No, second last" which had a sound of realism to it and seemed to be acceptable to him. In Sept this year, he told me he wanted to see another Christmas, but it was getting very hard and if he did get to Christmas he couldn't guarantee anything else. I tried to remain realistically positive. He always called himself a realistic optimist. I tried to be encouraging by saying "well, let's just get to this Christmas and see how it goes after that." One day at a time. I made it clear that I would have him in any shape and that I also knew that was unfair. I had promised him after diagnosis that I would not ask him to linger or fight if he had enough. That had to be his decision. I kept my promise. Kevin also became quite antagonistic. it is understandable given the nature of the beast. Good Luck ... View more

Oh Maddie.. I am so sorry for your pain and that people aren't hearing you. I lost my partner 6weeks ago and it feels like life will never be the same and it won't. I have just posted a blog which I hope you read. In case you don't, I will repeat what has made sense to me and maybe you are or maybe not ready to hear this. It was the the movie "The Best, Exotic Marigold Hotel" delivered by Judi Dench. "There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws." Remember, you are trying to get used to your loved one's presence in your life as now a very different presence. It's s##t because all you want is them with you in the physical as well. As you say, you want to smell, feel, touch, hear, see and all of that. I am getting ready to have his mobile cut off. I have called his number on 3 occaisions, repeat dialling the number at least twice each time to hear his voice. It finally sunk in that it is just a recorded message which cannot hold a conversation with me. I'm sorry for your loss and wish I could give you a big, long hug. Cry as much as you need to. Try to have something planned every day, even if it just going to a coffee shop or for a walk. One day at a time. Everytime you do something for the first time alone, it will hurt, but once it's done, it is done. All my love...Deni ... View more