I am sitting and watching my husband trying to get comfortable so he can sleep to alieve the exhaustion  he is feeling and the pain of watching him and not being able to help is overwhelming. I try really hard not to cry again as I do not want to upset him and yet the tears come almost at their own will. I thought I would be more brave than what I have been. His body is bloated with fluid and it is causing further pressure and pain on other parts of the body. His breathing is hard and I ring the palliative care people to seek advise. Trying not to cry over the phone I give the symptoms and am told in a matter of fact way that I am to give him more pain killers and there really is not a lot they can do overnight. While I am accepting of this advise, I am also concerned that perhaps I should not have rang as this is "normal". I know that the professionals  see this everyday and know the routine, however I don't see my once strong husband in this pain and looking like this everyday so I am concerned. This has been ongoing dilemna for me throughout our fight with this disease. Never quite knowing when to call somebody as it is all perfectly normal and they will adjust medications later. Just like having children this disease did not come with a book of instructions and it is so hard at times. I don't want to be a pain and take the care away from somebody who really needs it if this is normal. Just tell me. I also don't want to be known as a panic merchant and then when things are not "normal" ring to be dismissed as one. There is enough to cope with, without having to think about each time picking up the phone or not. I thought I would be braver. As we talk of the past and make jokes of the future my heart is breaking and while I am trying to have Christmas be special it is so hard. This is one experience I could have had deleted from my list of things to do and see. I will never understand. I will try to be more brave. ... View more

After nearly 12 months my husband's Cancer has spread to many areas of his body. He is becoming weaker on some days and others he is still more like his old self. This week we have been advised that there is little time left, probably 2 months approx. I am devastated. It has been a long 12 months with many downs and not so many ups. What a journey and learning curve for all of us. After 33 years I do not know how I am going to go on without him, yet I suppose that I will. Many decisions to be made and I know that now I have to start letting people into my home for pallative care reasons. While we have been going through the different treatments, diets, natural medicines and anything else that we could come across I guess it really is only now that the harsh reality has set in. I keep wishing that I would wake up and it will all be a bad dream. Thank you to those out there that have contibuted to this forum as there have been many times that I have read an article or response and it has been so helpful to what has been going on in our lives. Keep writing everyone because you just never know when somebody will be lifted from a few well placed words.    ... View more

My darling husband, after 11 gruelling months of going through diagnosis, surgery, treatment, pain, and all that goes with stage 4 Colon Cancer seems to have finally accepted in his own quiet way his dis-ease. As hard as it has been during this time for myself and our family to have him in denial, anger, bargaining, and everything else that comes along with what I now see as a grieving process, it seems as if acceptance has been granted and I wonder if this in many ways worse. Not for him, so much but as I watch him starting to clean out paperwork, talking of the future and his wishes, having a sense of urgency regarding getting his house in order, I am scared. I think of the times over the past months when I had wished that he would accept what was happening to us and now it has come, it is almost scarier. I know this sounds weird, even as I type the words I am thinking I sound as though I cannot be pleased. It is not that at all, I guess for myself also the final reality is in front of me. Please do not get me wrong, we continue to remain as positive as we can, and will continue to do everything we can to beat this insidious dis-ease, this is another stage to the process that once again is not spoken of and it is confronting, confusing and scary. Having said all of this, there is another aspect to the acceptance that is positive. There is now a sense of calm in our home again. The feeling has changed as if we have cast out the unwelcome stranger that has been with us. We can talk about things and if I do get upset and want to cry, he will allow that. This has been huge for me to be able to express my feelings in front of him instead of hiding my tears. He is now doing things with me again and we are spending lovely time together again. That stranger is not sitting between us. I am able to express how much I love him and he has been expressing that to me also again. It is almost like I have my loving husband of 32 years is back. The journey continues and just when I was almost exhausted emotionally and mentally the universe seems to have stepped in again and put it right. I seem to be healing also and this is giving me the strength to move forward again. We keep smiling and holding onto each other and continue our journey to whatever the final outcome will be.   ... View more

Hi all, My darling husband has just spent 10 days at the Ian Gawler Foundation retreat in the Yarra Valley in Victoria. This retreat is specially for Cancer patients and their carers. I chose not to attend for personal reasons and in doing so feel that my husband gained a whole heap more for himself out of the course. He has arrived home with a whole different attitude to life, his dis-ease, family and approach to handling whatever may come his way in the future. It is wonderful to see him smiling again freely and speaking with re-newed vigour about the future. It is amazing what happens when a person actually hears what will benefit them long term. The programme concentrates on meditation, positive thinking, eating regime and the future no matter what the outcome is. He spent 10 days with some amazing people from all over the world and being able to talk with others going through the same thing was wonderful for him. The eating regime will take a little for me to get use too as it is a strict vegan diet but the meditation and re-newed energy is something that I have been trying to support him with since we were diagnosed back in Janurary this year. I am eternally grateful that Ian Gawler had the foresight some years ago to set this up. I would recommend this programme to anybody to feels that they may want a different approach to their dis-ease and wanting to know how to support themselves and their loved ones. There is a website that Ian's story and the foundation's creditianls can be read about. www.gawler.org Check it out, the resources are wonderful. I could not recommend it high enough. Colin has not stopped talking about it and this is from a man who is very conservative and mainstream. Good luck to everyone.   ... View more