It's been a few days since my dad went to have a gastroscopy, where they've found a 6cm tumour in his esophagus.    They've said its likely cancer, but we won't know for sure until the results of the biopsy on Wednesday.    I've had on and off depression for a lot of my life, but am currently medicated so I felt that I could weather any storm that came my way.   But now that I'm facing the possibility of losing my dad, I feel myself beginning to break down.   I know that if this were to be the thing that takes my dad away from me, I could deal with the grief and the aftermath. I would grieve and I would be heartbroken, but I would be able to move on knowing that my dad knew that he was loved, and knowing that he loved us in return.   My family are of Latin American descent and culturally we have a very open view on death and really focus on the celebration of life and the inevitability of death.  Perhaps because of this, my dad since his gastroscopy, has told us that he's not afraid to go, that he has lived a full life with no regrets, and only fears seeing us miserable.   He may just be putting on a brave face for us, but I know that he's strong enough to face whatever happens. And so this gives me some hope that if anything were to happen, I would feel glad knowing that he lived a life he was happy with.    What I fear the most, however, is seeing him become sick. I always had a picture of my dad as a strong, able person who would go out and do what was needed. The idea of seeing him sickly and suffering is more than I can bear.   A part of me almost feels guilt, feeling that the idea of him suffering hurts me more than the idea of him passing but it's the reality.   I don't know why I'm writing this to be honest, but I just needed to get the thoughts out there.    Thanks for reading.  ... View more