About 8 months ago, I was diagnosed with melanoma, I had it removed and then was called back into the doctors to have more taken out. One thing I regret is shutting down during that fortnight or so, because I didn't hear, nor did I take in anything that the dr's told me about my melanoma. My best friend did the listening and the talking and pretty much held me together. All I heard was melanoma...and all I could think was cancer. I got the all clear though, so I consider myself one of the lucky ones.
This week, I had a bit of a scare. I found a lump under my arm...an ultrasound and three doctors appointments later, I was told that I had two enlarged lymph nodes under my arm, but the ultra sound was clear of cancer. Second time lucky.
While I'm one of the lucky ones, I struggle to live with the fear that one day this will spread. I know deep down that it will...call it a feeling, call it intuition...call it paranoia...call it whatever you want but whatever it is, I'm convinced that it will happen. I try to live my life to the fullest and make the most of it, but it's difficult because deep down I carry this fear with me.
I'm a personal trainer and I'd convinced myself after my diagnosis, that if I stayed strong, fit and healthy I could prevent it from spreading. The scare this week taught me that it's not the case. I can't do a thing about it. And that's a hard lesson to confront too. One of my friends has just been told that his melanoma has spread into his brain. They found it in his lymph nodes and now it's in his brain. He's healthy, he's fit, he's strong and still it's spreading. I could be facing this...this is what could be ahead for me. I don't think I'm mentally strong enough to go through it. I'm too afraid of it.
I lost my pop to cancer, I saw what it did to him and what it did to my family. I don't know how to face that happening to me.
At the moment, I'm cancer free, but this thing is inside of me and somehow I have to find a way to live with that and to live with the fear.
... View more
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.