I'm new to these unfortunate but I'm sure supportive pastures. Ahoy and all that :)
I'm sure this'll be a long post. I apologise. I've got a lot to get off my chest and right now I just don't know where else to turn.
My dad was diagnosed with an aggressive Stage 3/4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in October last year. He started chemo almost immediately and started out with liver and spleen involvement at the very least.
His first-line chemo worked quite well on the initial lesions, however at least one lesion has cells resistant to that chemo and so a second-line chemo was started. This week we've discovered that these lesions are not responding to the second-line chemo and we're now waiting on the "what's next".
The rest of my family are in another state which means I have limited ways to help and I'm not really "surrounded" by family. My partner has been supportive in as far as whatever I feel like I need to do, we'll do, but I also have a young daughter in school to consider if we're upping and moving back "home" after only 18 months here.
I have immeasurable levels of guilt for all those times I didn't jump at every opportunity to spend time with my dad when he was well. I have intense guilt over pretty much everything and I'm struggling so much with being so far away. I'm heartbroken for my mum and my dad, who both cried on the phone when they told us what the latest results were. We're not a family of criers and huggers.
I don't know what's next for him and I don't even know whether there is anything next for him. I feel even more guilty that I'm trying so hard to be optimistic to put out into the universe that he'll get better or at least that he'll have time with us, but I'm struggling with getting there. I keep getting glimpses of his funeral in my mind, telling my daughter that he's not getting better, telling my daughter and anyone else that he's not going to make it. I have been through enough of this from the outside to know what people are going to say to me and what all the next bits look like if he doesn't make it, and I just can't stop seeing all these things from happening.
This morning I broke a bit because I couldn't see past all that at once and nearly had a panic attack which isn't helpful to anyone. Is there any advice anyone has for how to change my mindset? How to stop worrying until I have something more concrete to worry about? I am in a massive funk and I'm having a hard time with operating on a different plane, not really hearing or seeing anything much at the moment.
Thanks for your patience in reading my War and Peace...
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.