My partner and I are only just starting this journey and I'm afraid of what is to come. I work in the medical field, occasionally in oncology, so Its like I know just enough to worry about things that haven't occurred yet and possibly might not even happen! My bf of only 18mths was diagnosed only 6 weeks ago with stage 3 colon cancer. Working where I do we were very lucky to have such a quick diagnosis and great surgeons and oncologists jumping straight on board. He had a hemicolectomy last month and starts FOLFOX next week (for his birthday!) But this is where it gets dark. I love him deeply. But I feel like I can't have my own feelings or problems because they are nothing compared to his. It's not his fault I feel this way, he doesn't say it do anything it's purely me. And then this festers inside of me until I explode and go crazy. Last night is an example of this. Sex and intimacy is a huge part of our relationship, we are only 35. I am going in for a minor girly procedure tomorrow so won't be able to have sex for a few weeks. By this time he will have started chemo, and then comes the protection not to mention loss of libido and tiredness etc... so o got angry when he's fallen asleep the last few nights. I tried explaining that I just wanted to feel WANTED one last time before this all started. I exploded. I'll use the excuse of 4 kids, a full time job, financial stress, trying to keep the house work semi up to date... but in reality I know I am just being g a spoilt cow. I stead of trying to understand what I was saying he got upset about the upcoming chemo. Because it's all happened so fast he hasn't really processed it. So I had to shut my feelings and emotions off to console him the rest of the night until he fell asleep. Which of course I should and is fine. I totally get it. I just laid there after he went to sleep and felt angry yet guilty that my feelings had been swept under the carpet. I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel like I still want some recognition about my feelings or my issues (like my op tomorrow, which is only small but I'm nervous about) and then I feel like a horrible person because of course it shouldn't be about me! But I guess I'm kind of craving attention? Which then makes me resentful and then guilty...I love him dearly and I do everything I can for him not because I have to, but because I want to. I worry about our future because I know I'm acting like a self centered selfish person! And chemo hasn't even started yet! I have tried talking to him, but when I try to say these feelings go out loud I am embarrassed because they are just wrong! I think I just had to vent, or to just Hope that maybe there is someone else out there who is as selfish as I am? 😞
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.