My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in July of 2018. It was extremely lucky and the tumour was 1cm in diameter. He was given a good prognosis and responded well to chemo. We were hopeful & I took that time for granted. He stopped chemo in October temporarily with the plan to have Whipples procedure in December/early Jan however following a laparoscopy it was found he had cirrhosis of the liver due to a genetic liver condition called haemacromatosis (the whole reason the cancer was found in the first place). This put a delay on things once more however his specialist decided things may still go ahead so he didn’t begin chemo again. Just after Christmas dad started experiencing severe pain. To dad, as most tradies born in the generation of the Baby Boomers, a 2/10 pain wise is an 8 to the average person so when dad as saying his pain was a 6 or 8 it was serious. On the 13th of Feb, the day following his mother’s funeral he was unable to attend, it was confirmed dad’s cancer had spread and was now Stage IV. Just having turned 56, he was told he had 3 months left - if lucky he’d be here at Christmas if he got treatment which may not have worked. I feel so much guilt because I feel I haven’t done enough in my life yet to make him proud. I feel so much guilt because I feel I’ve taken him for granted so many times. I’m angry because I feel I’ve been deprived of having my dad be able to give me away at my wedding or have a father daughter dance or see me graduate or have a baby or build a house or be there for any future milestones in my life. I’m angry I have to watch the man I always thought was invincible die before my eyes. I’m angry because he’s one of the most selfless people I’ve known and he deserves so much better. I don’t know how to cope or prepare myself for this but I feel I’ve already started grieving the loss and he’s not even gone. I look at him some days and want to cry knowing there may not be long left and that soon I’ll be helping my mum and brother plan his funeral. I just don’t know what to do or say or think. I’m only 23 and I’m not ready to say goodbye for the last time.
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