Hi Traci Renee It so hurt to hear what he had said to you and then expect you to kiss him !!! I find it odd because my hub is the same, is it most men ? Its they can say such unkind things and then its like they think you can just forget. It just does not work like that does it ?? Its still in your head going around and around, the next day and on and on. God my heart goes to you and I wish I could help but I know myself that I am not sure anyone can BUT you are not alone says she from across the pond 😁. I would say try talking but you wrote a letter ( which I thought was a very good idea) and have had no discussion or feedback from him on that. So soul destroying for you.  I have had another good day and I think I need to pinch myself 😀. Did much the same as yesterday and then had small barbie TNT. Think I now know why though. Too long to put down all but my cousin who hub thinks is wonderful. Well he rang and told hub that the drugs hub had taken for 2 years prob triggered the cancer. Well I had begged and pleaded with him not to take it from day 1 without success. It was not until his  diagnosis that he chose to  stop taking it. This had caused a massive rift between us as he swore, threatened me etc because I kept on begging him to stop. I had done thorough research and knew what a high risk drug it was and I had told him all this. I kept on begging for 2 yrs because I cared. I think my cousin confirming what I had been saying maybe woke him up. After all he had been so nasty to me over it that I think it kinda dawned on him that I had said it because I very worried and the c diagnosis was what I told him could very easily happen if he took the drug. Well what do think of my theory ?? Hope I have read this right. I was thinking about your rings. If you feel so so hurt then I do not blame you. Perhaps it may knock him into touch. He cannot hurt you one minute then the next think its all forgotten if the issues have not been resolved. Please try to be strong for YOU not anyone else. Thinking of you and hoping this day was better. Take special care. Big hugs xx ... View more

Hi Tracie Renee   I was praying we could say snap and I was so sad that you had another crap day. Its just not fair. Why why why is it like this ? Dont get it at all and its so painful and hurtful. I think living in silence about it most of the time just makes it worse. If you could say to X its been like this and they showed you compassion then you could deal with it easier. Its the fact that having c seems to give them a licence to say/ do what they want makes it so awful. The comment oh well he has c from people is something I hear so that is an excuse for anything. NO it is not or at least should not be. I am keeping fingers crossed that you have a good one today and also I have a 2nd good one. Believe in yourself and know you are not alone.  Big big bear hug xx   ... View more

Hi Traci Renee You curl me up with your sometimes wicked humour but know that is how we survive it all sometimes🤗. Yes you might be right about the comment. I have always seen to everything. House, bills, kids, hols etc so he would be lost with me not around. Ha but then I never presume he will go 1st as you just never know do you ? Well if I get c I will be kind, appreciative etc of those that care for me. I know what it like to be the carer. I have had a lovely day, long walk with my dogs, talked to my youngest grandsons, at a distance of course, talked to my eldest girl and son AND he has been nice to me all day !! Its been great so looking to tomorrow with hope.  I live in Oxfordshire, UK so we have a big pond between us 😀 I do hope your day has also been better, please say it has so we can say snap !! We know we will be there to the end however much hurt we feel but it would be nice to feel loved , appreciated and not treading on egg shells all the time wouldnt it ? Take good care, keep smiling and believe in yourself. Big bear hug xx     ... View more

Hi VM Oh bless you and I am so sorry that you are having to care for someone that has never been kind to you. Its a dreadful predicament to be in because you are doing your duty, as the world sees it, but to someone who sadly means little to you because of their self destructive ways and unkindness it is far worse.  It sounds like whatever you have done it has made no difference so I think that maybe your acceptance he will never change is healthy for you. I expect despite this you will shed a tear whatever you feel when he dies. I dont mean for him passing but that he could not have been a nicer person, a different person and that then you could have loved him and felt the pain you should feel when that happens. You do not say how your Husband feels as this is his blood Son ? I do hope he is being more than supportive to you for the care that you are giving his Son. You need and deserve that for what you are doing. I have been a carer most of my life and I nearly always loved my work. However I have cared for a few that have had vicious, cruel and an unkind nature. Those I gave the same care to but there was not a genuine love of them. I just did what I had to. I guess that is what you are doing and I know its not a pleasant thing to have to do. Love, care should be given because its what you WANT not what you feel you have to do. I am just so so sorry. Stay strong and for you I hope it will soon end. So unfair this isnt it ? Thinking of you. Take care of yourself. Big hug to you xx ... View more

Hi Traci Renee I Have been so positive today. I got up and sat in the sun with the dogs, did some gardening, went for a dog walk, rang my girls and it was so lovely. I felt normal, whatever that is, my heart was not racing, relaxed and at peace, The reason why was because he was in hospital until tonight. It gave me a breather and made me realize I can feel happy and at peace. That was shattered on his arrival home when I told him the consultant had said he needed not just to isolate but also to shield. Well he was very angry, directed at me of course and told me in no uncertain terms that he was going to stay in etc. I tried to stay calm and told him it was to protect him and that also we needed to try and isolate from each other as much as possible. He had gone to hospital three times in succession so I said that there was a risk he could be carrying covid and that he could potentially infect me so it would also protect me. I have had bad pneumonia twice and also have asthma so am at higher risk than some. Well was he bothered ? No it was my fault and he did not even seem concerned that potentially he could infect me. He raved on until I lost it and told him if he thinks that I want any of this then he is mistaken and yes it is hard for me as well. I told him I would bring his meals up and see to everything etc. Well then he goes and has another cigarette in the garden. I calmly remind him that all the consultants have said to stop smoking. An evil stare from him. Lung cancer !!  I give so much, like you and yet I am his verbal punch bag. I try so hard to understand how he must be feeling etc. He rang me 8 times yesterday and was so nice and cheery. Maybe someone was listening !! Then he tells me he had asked to stay in hospital rather than come home. That hurt. I said nothing cos what is the point. I have told him he is so horrid to me . He will say I know, Im sorry but next day conversation forgotten. I feel such a sense of loss already. Like you I just do not know what to do to be right. I feel I have tried all I know. Talking, ignoring the comments as long as is humanely possible, hugging him but nothing makes a difference for any time. I remember he told his sister he was pleased it was him that had the cancer and not me. I would be fine but he could not cope. Not that he was worried if I would be OK and if I would cope. I did not know if it was me taking this wrong so I told a friend and she was shocked he said that. He also told another of my friends he had cancer. She asked if I was OK ? Yes course shes fine. She rang me because she knew I would not be. She was shocked at the way he said it. Does not seem to recognize how this is for me also. No I am not fine. I am 63 and do not know any certainty anymore. I will be alone far sooner than I thought and my kids lose their Dad, grand kids, His family lose him, his friends.  Oh I am rabbiting on. Think you know all that I am saying because I feel your pain and hurt so much. I know how you feel and maybe by you just knowing that you will not feel totally alone in your dark moments. Just think you are doing your best and no we make mistakes but never intentionally. Believe in yourself because if you are like me my self esteem is so low now. oh and almost forgot bite your tongue when he horrid to you 😉 Take good care. Thanks for making me not feel so alone. Big hugs x ... View more

Hi Traci Renee I thank you from the heart for your reply, it made me cry but parts also made me smile. You trying to find some humour about the treatment that your Husband dishes out to you. I am sending you a virtual hug but know that what you really need is a real one from someone that feels your pain. If only there was an answer because it emotionally destroys you doesn't it ? It hurts so much because you are doing the best you can in an awful situation, trying to hold the family together and support everyone else yet you are so alone. Why does everyone seem to think its OK for the person you care for to treat you like this because they are ill ? Why is there no support for us ? Just someone neutral to talk to but then maybe they would also excuses for this abusive behavior because of the illness. I have an invisible wall around me now. The more he hurts me the higher it gets. Ah but then he is nice to me for a day and i let it down only to regret it the following day when I get so hurt again. Either by things he says or does. Last week he told me he would rather be at work than stuck at home with me but the following day he gets up and is nice and needy to me. Expecting me to have forgotten what a hurtful thing he said. I cant keep forgetting, forgiving, caring everyday and survive unscathed. I am emotionally crippled and I know that I will never heal. Like you there are many days when I wish just to go to sleep and not wake ever again. I try to look at the positives in that I have a family( that despite their lack of understanding)I love so dearly and I have 2 beautiful dogs whom have become ultra important since we all went into isolation, I can cuddle them and they are loyal in their love for me. Sounds silly maybe but they dont hurt me so I am totally devoted to them. They are keeping me sane. You did not say if you have pets but I hope you do for the same reasons I have stated above. I am just sat here at my computer with tears in my eyes because I can only write but cannot really help or ease your pain. Oh how I wish I could because life should not be like this. You are in my thoughts so you are not totally alone. Take care and try to tell yourself you are worth more.  Sending you a big hug x             ... View more

HI Hestas You are not alone even if it feels like it. Feeling so sad for you as know exactly what you are going through. Wish I could give you a big hug. Stay strong if you can, not for him but because you deserve better. x ... View more

Hi to you all. I found this group today and I felt such a deep, overwhelming sadness but I do not feel quite so alone. For that I am grateful. Thank you for easing my mental isolation. My background is that my Husband has been verbally and physically abusive to me in the past. I did leave him for 18 months but believed he had changed after anger management so came back. He has always had a temper and will not discuss anything unless it suits him. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable lung cancer last July. He was also told he may have 2 years to live if immunotherapy was successful. It was but has now stopped due to it causing severe ulcers.  This was after months of arguments because of his refusal to go to our GP and when he did it was only because I rang the GP. We were sent up to hospital within an hour  of speaking to his GP because his symptoms were so severe. . That drive up was when it all started. It was all my fault from then on things have only got worse. I am to blame for everything and he has said such cruel unkind things that some days I wish I was not here. I have told him how it hurts me, he will be nice for a day and then the slightest thing triggers him again. I have tried to talk to some people about it but I get comments such as well poor thing it must be so hard for him or its his way of coping with it and such like. Its as though the cancer now gives him a licence to say or do what he wishes and its OK. It makes me feel as though I am uncaring person and I should be more understanding of his behavior.  He reserves it all for me, to everyone else he is so nice, jolly and caring. This is not the person I live with. I have thought of leaving but then I would have to move away from my family and that is a price too high. My children are in the middle as they are aware of how he is but I still get the cancer excuse for him. This really hurts me. I even find going out hard now as everyone I see just constantly asks how he is and to be honest some days I just need a big hug, some normality, not a constant reminder of the pain in my life.  For saying that am I being selfish and uncaring ? A question I ask myself constantly and I am actually beginning to think maybe I am. So much self doubt and I feel so so alone in my thoughts with no one to share how I feel. Its as though I am invisible in the world. He has so much support and yet I have none and I so wish I did. I have never felt loneliness like this ever. Well I guess I will carry on being the caring wife I have always been because I have to but given a magic wand maybe I would choose to disappear. Who knows ? Again I guess this makes me a bad person but I am being totally honest.  Now we have covid 19 and we only have each other for company. I will say no more as I think maybe you will guess what it is like now. Good luck to all those people out there. By that I mean the carers because you all deserve medals. Thank you again for writing in as it has helped a little to know I am not totally alone even if most of you are silent verbally in the outside world.   ... View more