I feel lost and sad. It hits me in waves I have this weird sense of normality when I first wake up then the reality sets in and I struggle. My dad lost his battle with lung cancer on the 2nd October 2020 he was diagnosed exactly two months earlier and it was just this vicious downward spiral after his diagnosis. I miss him so much it hurts so badly. Every time I close my eyes I see him lying in that hospital bed and it just kills me. He was my favourite human in the whole world the one person who always had time for me and I just wish I had more time. I am one of four siblings. I am the third child and I really struggled with his funeral. I had to plan majority of it on my own and also had to write and read his eulogy and I think that really broke me. I spent that entire week just numb not crying or really feeling anything and I have two children of my own but I don’t think I’m dealing very well. I have never really been good with my emotions and I rarely cry but these last few weeks have seen more tears than I have my entire life time which I suppose is understandable but I still find myself getting angry I think I turn my sadness to anger as I find it an easier emotion to deal with. I really need help I am am not being the mother I need to be for my kids and I have no one to talk to. Please tell me this gets easier..... he took a part of me when he died and I try but I just can’t get it back.
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