Guys I'm so sorry for a lot of text here. I was diagnosed with stage 1 ovarian cancer a few days ago. 2 weeks before that they told me it's probably borderline tumors so I didn't worry much but they confirmed it had malignant nodes. I feel like I am all by myself in this. I talked to my family and they are very sad, they call me every day, and they told me they're here for me, they support me in everything from money to helping me out about stuff, whatever I need. I'm trying to be so strong for them so they don't worry about me. I'm constantly convincing them that it's nothing, I'll just have some chemotherapy and it will be fine, that the doctors are very good, etc. My best friend also said that and encouraged me that she has a feeling that everything will be fine but I haven't talked much with her. Even when I had the laparoscopy in which they removed most of the tumor and I went home not once I moaned in pain, not once I complained, not once I shared how scared I was going under anesthesia and stuff. But now it's different. I feel like I'm losing my mind here. Hell yeah I'm tough but this is something bigger than me! I know anger and bitterness is what happens to most people after being diagnosed but I've decided no one will be seeing me like that when I have chemo, except a friend who has been helping me with doctors appointments and stuff. I'm just already so tired. Since the diagnosis I've been to a lot of doctors appointments. Only today I went into two hospitals. I know it is just the beginning but I am so tired. I need to think of a million things. I'll need money, new place to live, good doctors, decide treatment or operation, research I'm not able to work, I can't concentrate it's like from a smart person I went to real stupid and I can't understand stuff that people are saying to me. The doctor today told me to go get a signature and I immediately forgot where I was supposed to go. I seriously need help, I cry every day since then and I get so angry and motivated to kick this monster out of my body but then I can't fall asleep. I can't tell anyone the truth of how scared, how worried, how angry, terrified I am of this. I talk to the nurse at this hospital, then I talk to the people who are doing my genetics exam, then I'm rushing to get to a hospital, it's overwhelming, I'm doing it all, but I guess I just needed to vent. And it makes me so sad that I had big plans. I have to put my career on hold, maybe I'll get fired because I admit it, I can't do my job properly! I know that I'm no special snowflake, that everybody who has had cancer feels pretty much the same emotions. But I just need support to whine if I want to because I'm tired of being so strong all the time. 😭
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