Unfortunately, I’m finding this type of behavior is a common theme for many spouses.  I finally went to my doctor and he put me on some anti-anxiety meds and it’s helped tremendously.  You are definitely not alone and it does help knowing there are others going through a similar situation.  Have you told your husband that you refused to be treated badly?  It is not your fault he has cancer.  You did not do this to him.  I’m at the point where I call my husband out on the things he says and let it be known I won’t put up with it.  It has improved but he still has his moments.  Hang in there.  ... View more

@Timmsy70  Wow, this really is extreme behavior and I’m so sorry you are going through this.  As far as people saying that your staying with him, I say they haven’t walked in your shoes.  You have a lot of valid reasons to stay and I wouldn’t give up 30 years of accumulated assets either.  I hope you are able to get yourself out of the house to get a break from it all.  Despite all of the horrible words thrown at me, I wouldn’t leave my husband in the middle of his cancer treatment because that’s just cruel.  I know he needs my help.  My hope is that one day the anger and bitterness subsides.  Please take care of yourself.  ... View more

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too, and can totally understand and relate to not feeling appreciated or not being able to do anything right.  I remember taking care of my mom when she had terminal pancreatic cancer and she was so graceful and cared more about her family than she did herself.  Not my husband.  He has no concern about my mental or physical health at all. I’ve followed the advice from others here and that of my friends and decided enough is enough.  I don’t deserve to be treated like garbage when I am putting every ounce of my heart, soul and LOVE in helping him get better.  You don’t deserve to be treated the way you’ve been treated.  Yesterday I was told I haven’t done sh*t around the house for 25 years which is absolutely ludicrous.  Since he’s had brain surgery/radiation, he’s not steady enough to drive so I take him to every single appointment no matter what time of day it is.  I take notes and ask all the questions.  I do everything.  He doesn’t even know the name of his oncologist.  This is how much he depends on me to coordinate everything as if he’s a rock star and all he has to do is show up.  Last week we had 5 appointments.  My work schedule is constantly being interrupted and some days I’m working extra hours to keep on top of things.  Luckily, I got approval to work from home until September so I can make up the time if I need to.  My husband won’t let me get help either so I’ve been doing yard work in a very hot climate and it’s been 100-115 degrees here.  (I’m in the US). He told me since he’s suffering then I also must suffer.  My neighbors are horrified at my being out there and they have offered to help me which I’ve had to turn down.  However, yesterday I saw a landscaping truck out yesterday so I approached them and got a card.  I’m going to arrange for help whether my husband likes it or not.  I bring a good income in from my job and have every right to decide what I can spend our money on.  This is not 1950 and he certainly does not get to have financial control.   Finally, yesterday, after making the comment about me not doing anything for 25 years I told him I’d had it with the mean and hateful comments and that this cancer is going to take our marriage if it continues.  I told him if he has someone else lined up that can do a better job than what I’m doing, please let me know now and I’ll step aside.  The truth is, he has 4 adult children that live here and they’re not knocking down the door to help.  I’ve given this man plenty of opportunity to apologize or retract everything nasty and disrespectful he has said to me but he hasn’t and doesn’t plan to.  The cancer diagnosis was devastating enough but to have a husband that wished I had cancer instead was like a stab through my heart.  When I look at him all I see is someone who wouldn’t be sad if I died and I have to wonder, when treatment is over, will I even be able to stay married to him.  It’s such an awful feeling.   Just take each day as it comes but please do not let your husband torture you any longer.  You did not give him cancer.  He may be the one with it in his body but we, as wives, are deeply affected, too, just in a different way.  For our husbands not to see past themselves and offer one iota of appreciation is unacceptable.  Please don’t put up with it any longer.  Speak up for yourself.  Giving you hugs from across the miles.  Susan  ... View more

Thank you Budgie for that boost.  You are so right about everything.  Yesterday, on our drive to radiation he actually said, “ this is nothing I would wish on a child but, I wish it were you that had cancer and not me.”   The grace I give him is that he’s had brain surgery to remove a large tumor and has another one still there that affects speech, personality and some cognitive things.  He’s been through open brain surgery and radiation in a span of 3 weeks.  But, I do know most of the things he says and does is deliberate and I’m a convenient, 24/7 live-in recipient of his resentment.  I’ve already planned a little away time for myself this weekend to remove myself and re-group.  Thank you for your words of support.  They helped me tremendously.  ... View more

It really is a no win situation for everyone.  I take things a day at a time.  If I tell him “I’m trying to do the best I can”, it triggers an outburst so I have taken the word “try” out of my vocabulary.  He says when I use those words I’m making the situation all about me.  Hang in there!  ... View more

I just read your post and I’m going through the same thing with my husband.  He has Stage 4 Lymphoma that is in his brain, liver and spleen.  He had brain surgery to remove a large tumor and he still has a smaller one being treated with radiation.  He came through brain surgery with no major deficits.  He’s so angry that he’s borderline abusive.  I can’t do anything right. I’m trying to work my full-time job because I carry the health insurance through my employer and also take care of the house, yard, chauffeuring him to/from appts, manage and make all the appointments, talk to the doctors and keep track and administer meds.  I wake up at 5:00 am and go non-stop until about 8:00 - 9:00 pm.  His diagnosis was June 10, 2021 and he’s done nothing but push me away and won’t allow me to ask for help from any friend or family member.  I feel like he hates me because I didn’t get cancer but he did so I’m being punished.  It’s been very difficult to keep my mouth shut and allow the treatment so what I say doesn’t trigger an outburst.  He’s not started chemo yet, just radiation so this anger is not induced by treatment.  I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted some days and we haven’t even begun the worst part of treatment.   ... View more