I am so sorry fror your loss and wish I could offer more than words. The sad truth is that you will never really recover from this, I strongly recommend getting as much greif counselling as possible. Share your stories about your loved one, listen to others who understand what you are going through. In time the pain will be less intense but there will always be moments when the enormity of your loss will hit you between the eyes. Look after yourself and try to suround yourself with people who will listen to you. Take Care ... View more

Hi Linda Thanks for your contribution. I went out for dinner with 3 other couples on Saturday night. It felt odd. I also couldn't work out why no-one asked me how I was going. Maybe they would like to avoid triggering me but it felt like they didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I had lost the most significant part of my life. Has that happened to anyone else? I know that this is not a deliberate action to annoy me but when I got home I was really annoyed that the evening went on as if nothing had happened. ... View more

Thursday at work began well and I even commented to a colleague how there has been a positive change in the way I have felt. Then something very strange happened as I went into class. To begin with there were some sections of the lesson that didn’t go as well as I had planned. The laptop lost its charge and I found myself bumbling through some relatively straightforward content. At some point I said to the class that I am sorry about my state of mind and then walked to a corner of the room and began to weep.Eliah came over to me and offered support as did Max, Jordan and Liam. I will always be grateful for this small act of compassion and understanding from this group of 16-17 year old young men. These boys are often in minor trouble with teachers and I was incredibly grateful to them for their collective support. Someone in the class must have altered Marina because she appeared in the classroom and covered for me as I went for a solitary walk. It is not a coincidence that this occurred on a Thursday at about 12:30pm. I was, however, taken aback by the wave of emotion that engulfed me and felt powerless to control it. I will need to think of some strategies to combat this in future classes. Maybe on Thursdays I will need to take a more passive approach to the teaching process so that I can have a less public profile. Students can, at times, be difficult, but they can also surprise you in the most positive way. A phone call from Brendan (my principal) later in the evening to check in on me further reinforced how grateful I am to work in such a supportive environment. Today (Friday) I am travelling to Adelaide to spend time celebrating a very close friend’s 60th birthday. I am going to try to be as positive and happy as possible. I am looking forward to seeing old friends and sharing stories with them. ... View more

Work has felt more normal during the last 2 days. Starting the day with a ride gives a sense of reality and is a good thing to do. Yesterday I found myself crying as I rode my bike. Not a bad thing. The day was as good as I have had, however, once back at home things started to fall back to sadness. Eddie and I argued about some minor things, he was feeling unwell and disclosed that since our counselling session, he has had some moments of reflection and I assume, some sadness. I am really worried about going to Adelaide this Friday as plans for Edward staying overnight have slipped through. He wants to stay home by himself and I am ok with that provided I know that he has someone else here with him. I didn't go to the Church meeting last night, not sure that it is going to be for me, in fact, going to church has made me feel sadder. I am looking forward to joining the grief support group next month. There has been small, but discernible change to the way that I am feeling. Sleeping is still a massive issue as I am finding myself waking before 12:00am and then really struggle to get back to sleep. Probably need some more help from Dr Steve. Probably also important to reach out to people, the phone calls have stalled and it seems like it is going to be up to me to make the contact. This is understandable because people are moving on. Yesterday I found myself talking to Josie. I would like to be able to do that without the tears. Interesting email from Jan about how my writing has bought back memories for her. Projecting my grief onto her has not been a good thing and I respect and understand this. Today was the first day that I didn’t cry at work.Edward (14) was really angry at me last night. It is the first time since Josie’s death that he has expressed such deep anger. I think I handled it well. In the end he broke down into heavy tears, he has been fighting them for some time. I hugged him and gave as much comfort as I could, Josie would have been pleased, I think. ... View more

Another Thursday rolls around. This morning I was driving to work in the morning and was transported back 5 weeks to the day. Heading towards the hospital the day came back. As I get closer to 12:00pm the sequence of events came back. What time did Josie have that meeting with Anna and Benny? At what time did I have that coffee with the chaplin and fellow traveller in palliative care. Around 11:00am I must have known that it was coming because that is when I rang mum. It is now 11:54. At this time we were all in her room trying to make sense of the absurdity of her imminent death. That word was used by her oncologist a couple of weeks before when he said to us “it is not imminent”. How much does that conversation hurt right now? Incredibly painful to recall those days. So now we move into the end of week 5. Is it changing? Maybe slightly .. I found myself last night enjoying our family dinner. I found myself waking this morning and feeling like today was going to be ok. The coffee with friends this morning was positive. It is the lead up to 12:12pm  which has been a constant over the last 2-3 hours. Will Thursdays ever be the same again? Edward had his first PT sessions and first tutor session this week. They both seemed to go well. He is being forced to grow up very quickly and so far, he seems to be adapting to the change. I’m still waiting for the crash. Maybe it doesn’t come or maybe it comes a long way down the track.  ... View more

Good evening Well my second day back at work was not great. Felt myself tearing up pretty much all day. I think it started when I changed insurance details on Josie's car as well as finalised her ashes internment. Too much confirmation that she is no longer with me. The reality of tasks at work combined with the surreal feelings that have come with her death have really thrown my thought process and sense of reality out.  ... View more

Hi  My first day back went quite well. I was distracted by tasks and to do lists. Felt myself tearing up at times but all in all I would say that it was a positive day.It is good to hear that you had a positive experience on the bike. I ride a bike with a group and find that is a good way to start the day.  It helps to read your stories.  Take care Jamie ... View more

Thanks Michael I am going back to work today which is kind of bitter sweet. Looking forward to getting some structure back into my life but also a bit anxious about how productive I will be. Thanks for your listening ear. Jamie ... View more

I am sharing my morning writing with you. Yesterday was the 4 week anniversary. Is that a milestone? 4 weeks that seems like an eternity ago. 4 weeks since you were here with us in your living breathing self. 4 weeks since our lives were transformed into this state of mourning and grief. I went for another bike ride and started the day in a reasonable state of mind. Doctors appointment with Gretel, I found it disconcerting that she didn’t acknowledge your death but maybe that is her coping mechanism. Mum arrived which was comforting for both Eddie and myself. I found myself pleasantly distracted when Eddie and I went to see the new Elvis movie. 2-3 hours of being transported to someplace else. Then at the end of the movie there is a clip of Elvis losing his life. The screen fades to black with a small peep hole of light that gradually dies. Is this how Josie experienced her last moments? Could she hear us telling her it was ok to let go and that we loved her so much? The scene caused me much pain and I left the cinema in tears. Edward again proved how sensitive and caring he can be as he rubbed my back and gave me words of comfort.  Is every Thursday at 12:12pm going to be a reminder of her death. Am I going to relive that moment in time as I move to class?  Today is Angus’ birthday and we are meeting him and Scarlett in Fitzroy for lunch. This morning the sofa that Julie and I chose for Josie some 6 weeks ago will arrive. 6 weeks ago we were making decisions about providing a new sofa for Josie to lie on. Today it will arrive to a very empty space. I am sure it will provide me with a bittersweet feeling. 6 weeks , 4 weeks, 3 weeks, anniversaries and milestones everywhere. ... View more

Hi Bob Thanks for sharing your story. It has a similar theme to mine. I don't know about you but one of the real difficulties I have is the speed of the decline. I am sure that interacting with others will give us some help. I don't need to tell you how much pain we collectively feel at the moment. I hope that you are able to be gentle on yourself. I found myself escaping at the movies today (Elvis) but found myself sobbing uncontrollably at the end of the movie. Hope that you get on that bike of yours soon. ... View more