I just want a place to record the moments with my friend, because I don't know how many more we will have. Today, she looked almost the same. I was surprised to see her bald, even though she had already told me beforehand. And i was ashamed by my surprise. didn't want her to feel like a freak or anything, cos she's not. I dont know what I was thinking. Before i saw her, i must have forgotten she was sick, and that we were meeting just to catch up. I think I asked a lot of questions and she explained the treatment to me. At one point, I think she was fighting back the tears. (Do you guys like/dislike talking about your cancer?) We went to yumcha, talked about a variety of things, including other people's lives. I tried to avoid topics of like the future, dreams, aspirations, etc. I'm not even sure, if talking about other people (as in our friends) lives is even a good idea. Thinking back on it, wouldnt it feel like, everyone is moving on with their normal lives, doing the things that she thought she'd do, but can not now. Her life must have changed dramatically, slowed down. I don't want her to feel left out. Her finger muscle cramped up as well, which frustrated her. It's hard to tell cos she was quite calm in expressing her agitation. Makes me feel like she's suppressing herself. Dont know if that's a good thing or bad thing. It was only a small matter, but I'm a bit worried, she's pretending to be ok. She had always been such a cool girl, I have no idea how this is affecting her. If I asked her directly, would it be insensitive, blurgh i dont know Anyway, on our drive back, I remember there was silence. I didn't feel awkward, cos i'm alright with silence. I didnt say anything cos i didnt feel like it. I wonder how she felt... We're not really close friends. Since High school ended, we only meet up like twice a year to catch up. We never really shared our private lives with each other. Even though we don't do what most friends do, she's important to me. I was certain she'd be one of the few people who would be my friend for life. When I left, I wanted to hug her. but i didn't. It's not me to hug people. I hated hugs throughout high school. I'm disappointed in myself, for holding back. I hold back with most of my friends, but dont actually want to. And now with ber being sick, i just dont know how to behave in general. Lunch ended and I went off to work, feeling ok. At night I talked to my brother, told him she's in the 4th stage of her blood cancer. The last advice my bro gave me, was to spend as much time with her as I can. That thought crushes me. Even though she's not a major part of my life, I dont' want to see her go. I cannot even begin to imagine how that possibility affects her. random: I started to think her cancer as a person, some crazy annoying bitch, who is very persistent in trying to her hurt her. Has anyone ever thought that? or given their cancer a name to curse at? I messaged her during work, she hasn't replied. I dont know if i'm trying too hard to talk to her, or if she'd find my annoyign for suddenly wanting to talk to her more frequently. I hope she doesnt think i pity her
8 Comments
Frequent Contributor
Hi Camilla It is interesting reading your thoughts on your friend. It is like you are running across a terrain full of obstacles and you are picking your way through it all. Does that ring true? The thing is it is likely to be the same for your friend as well. She won't have a single point of view on it all either. She will be darting in and out of corners and dead ends, just like you. Just make sure that you don't expect a single point of view from her. Let her go a bit. I have noticed that the 'sick person' often gets asked to play a role that suits everyone else. Especially the health industry. Watch out for that. H
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Not applicable
Hello Harker, terrain full of obstacles, i never thought about it that way, but yeah, that's a suitablc imagery. Everytimg i thought about it, felt angry or upset, I wondered, but had no idea what it's like for her. Never ocurred to me, that it might be the same. not expecting a single view is an excellent advice, thanks for that and curious, what is this "sick person" role you talk about? is it something like expecting them to not be able to do anything? Camilla
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Super Contributor
Maybe tell her that you don't want to intrude but would like to be there for lunch or whatever if and when it suits her .
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Regular Contributor
So well put Harker. It is interesting that you don't see her as a close friend, but cancer is a funny thing in that some of the friends who yuo thought you could rely on back away and others come to the fore. Maybe that is where you come in. Your friend may not message you back all the time. It is hard to respond when you aren't well some times. I'm sure that she will be appreciative of the fact that you got in touch. Everyone reacts diffeetnly to their time with cancer and it may be that she just needs some of her own time at this point. To qualify harker's points a little, as the 'sick person' we are often expected to have cheery disposition and present to the world that all will be fine, when actually we are feeling physically and emotionally like crap. I guess what I am trying to say is that, your friend may behave in ways that you may not understand or expect. just have patience and let her know perhaps that you are ready to meet when she is ready. Hope some of this helps.
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Contributor
You're doing well and doing your best to be a good friend. Did she let you see her bald head? Because that suggests to me a certain level of trust between you. Only my family saw my bald head, even when other people visited me in hospital I made sure I had a cap on. She might like talking about her cancer. I know that I was ready to talk about it with anyone who showed an interest. But, some people might not want to talk about it, or it could be different on different days. I liked what Harker said - she is finding her way through this as well. I think she will appreciate that you mean well even if you occasionally say the wrong thing.
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yeah she did. I actually wanted to touch her head too ... but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate. I'm just going to test some things and try to figure out our relationship. Maybe it is closer than I thought. I've got a good feeling about this. (thanks to everyone here)
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Contributor
Hi camel, you are doing very well, have a rethink about the hugs, if it dosnt work out for your friend, you may think back and wish you had, after all they cost nothing and mean so much All people are different, but I liked it when people talked to me about my wifes cancer, people that do that are interested, and it is good for people to talk about it and not to pretend it isnt happening. wombat4
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Contributor
Hi camel, you are doing very well, have a rethink about the hugs, if it dosnt work out for your friend, you may think back and wish you had, after all they cost nothing and mean so much All people are different, but I liked it when people talked to me about my wifes cancer, people that do that are interested, and it is good for people to talk about it and not to pretend it isnt happening. wombat4
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