I think in words and phrases, always have. My current irritant is the phrase: "It's not fair" and while I don't think I ever said it myself during my treatment, though I probably had more of a right to than most, I considered it a redundant statement. If life was fair, we'd all look like Angelina Jolie and have her bank balance (and her husband!!)but how dull and uninteresting. "It's not fair" is a juvenile response to a situation and belongs in the pile with "why me? and "it's my turn now". You don't start out in life with a little instruction book, no one 'picks' you from a lottery to get cancer - it's the bloody luck of the draw, or having a stupid chromasome mutation. For all the whingers I came across years ago who'd rather lie in bed and moan "it's not fair" instead of sit up and fight for their right to live I say, "No, it isn't, but that's the life you got, so you can either lie back and give up or stand up and live.
24 Comments
New Contributor
Its not fair that people should go around and sook about their trivial 'issues' and 'problems'...will they ever open their eyes?
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Occasional Contributor
Hello Artist in Recovery! Whilst I agree with you that it's best to be proactive and attack the cancer with all our might, I believe the question, 'why me?' is a very important one to ask. We know ourselves best, and it's important we listen to our bodies and ask why it's calling out to us in need of help. I like to ask myself what I can do to help cure myself and prevent it coming back. It makes me feel empowered instead of feeling like a victim. LLx
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Occasional Contributor
I don't believe anybodies 'issues' and 'problems' are trivial. However grand or small they may appear to others, if it's important to the person they should be addressed. I say if it's bugging you that much - deal with it head on and then get on with your life! LLx
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Contributor
Problems and issues are relative, who are we to dictate how others should feel about what’s happening in their lives. I’ll tell you a story that my husband and I still get a smile out of :) When I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer my 1st baby was only 2 months old my whole world felt like it was falling apart…the little petty things in life just seemed so far from important. My girlfriend called me and was devastated she was going to have to find a new apartment, she literally spent ½ an hour telling me about how she could not cope with the stress and her world was falling apart. At first I felt angry I thought are you serious I am fighting for my life and my son to have a mummy and you are talking about moving; but then I realised that this was a massive deal for her. Just because she was not facing a life threatening illness it did not make her problems less important than mine, to her it was the biggest problem she has had. So you see problems and issues are relative!
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New Contributor
Sorry guys but I mean its the constant whinging and ungratefulness I'm sick of listening to...but I guess this whinging of mine is also a problem
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Occasional Contributor
Everyone has a valid point and I don't mean to suggest that everyone deals with things the way I do, because I know they don't. People may be happy in pondering why bad things happen to them - personally, I don't. It is indeed an incredibly relative thing. Like strawberry ice cream, I love it and could live on it, but my sister absolutely hates it. Human beings are designed to be different and I think the purpose on this 'blog' system is just to vent whatever we're thinking/feeling at the time and when I wrote that the term "it's not fair" just seemed to me to be a rediculous statement - that's what I was thinking. It is nobodys place to dictate how I should feel about something, just like I can't tell my sister she's being a drama queen when her and her boyfriend break up because I have been through so much more! We all deal with things in our own way.
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Occasional Contributor
You are absolutely right - we are all here to express our own individual opinions, and that's all we were trying to do. It was not a personal attack, and I fear you've become rather defensive. Deep breaths - things are cool 🙂 LLx
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Occasional Contributor
Hi Danny - sheesh you just about knock my medical history out of the park with yours, how sadly impressive! Though I do think you made a very relevant point about being so young when all this started for you, that you probably don't even have a memory from when that life wasn't yours. I know two visually impaired people, one who was born blind (she's now 28) and one who was diagnbosed with macular degeneration when he was 12 (he's now 17) and I always thought it was better for my female friend, because she never saw the world and doesn't really know what she's missing, where as the young boy's world has been gradually getting darker since age 12. I think this is an appropriate analogy to point out the differences between very young people getting potentially life destroying diseases and those who grow up, start a life and make plans, only to have them taken away. I'm not preaching that one way is more devestating than the other, but just that when we moan internally about the hand we've been dealt, we should remember there are always people worse off who keep getting up in the morning. Now that I've typed paint all over my keyboard, I better get back to work!
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New Contributor
I agree, everyones problems are relevant to them. i was only 2yrs old when i was diagnosed with leukaemia and started 4yrs of chemo, than i relapsed at aged 4yrs and had high doses of chemo & irradiation before a bone marrow transplant that has caused heaps of side effects, the treatment 30yrs ago was very new and no one knew the long term side effects. I developed cataracts just after i started school, had to have growth hormone injections and hormones because the brain irradition knocked out my endocrine system, than my thyroid develped a lump & was removed as was a kidney that developed cancer at 19yrs of age, then type 2 diabeties when i was 28. The last thing in 2005 was a heart attack and a stent in a blocked coronary artery. The way i see it is that even though i wish i could know what it would be like to be unaffected by all the treatment & side effects I am happy to be alive! I can enjoy life and in some ways it may be easier for me because i have never known life without having to jump another hurdle.
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Occasional Contributor
LL, I'm sorry, I did't think i was getting defensive - I apologise if it came across that way.
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New Contributor
Hi That's only a few things on my list! You should see the rest though they might be minnor. Danny
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Contributor
Wow! Danny you really are an amazing guy despite all you've been through you are still positive that you have life. I am not sure you could say its been easier for you because its all you've known, infact I am not sure any of us should compare ourselves with one another but one thing is for sure you are a season veteran of health issues and an inspriation to the rest fo us! You are so right about each of our problems being relevant to ourselves, its not up to us to judge others or compare ourselves...it is what it is and thats that. Thankyou for sharing your story with the rest fo us. I hope from here on in your health only improves and your body behaves itself 🙂
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Deceased
Hi Everyone I haven't been monitoring this discussion as I've been a bit busy this week. But this is an issue that comes up under various guises from time to time. "Why me?" - "It's not fair" etc. You can turn the question round and ask "why not me?" or "Why is it unfair?" I would be great to know why some people get a cancer that gives them an truly awful time, particularly if they are young. It would also be great to know why some people seem to sail through life without getting cancer or any other trauma. We can all wonder about it, and that is fine. The problem is that it can also become an obsession, and when it does that it can leave us pretty bitter and twisted. Me, I prefer not to go down that path. Some of you may have noticed that I collect quotes - I have one on my wall that is attributed to Tim Costello "There are times in life when we have to face the big questions, to look squarely into the face of death and then affirm the sheer gift of life" . I'll leave it with you. Cheers Sailor All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full. King Solomon
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Contributor
If you do a search of this website for the phase 'its not fair' you get a number of hits and given the context of this blog, I take it that the original message Artist in Recovery was trying to make was directed towards other cancer surviviors on this site. If you are irritated by other peoples opinions and want to let them know that, then you should engage them directly. Conversely, if this was a general message to the world that you don't like hearing whinging from other people about their various misfortunes, then you've probably outgrown this site.
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Occasional Contributor
Steve, I was not referring to this site or anyone on it - I thought I had made that clear in my post, obviously not. I am happy to hear other peoples points of view because I know in a democracy, all points of view are equally valid. I think your comment that I have "outgrown this site" is a little antagonistic and makes me think that perhaps the more immature amoung us, is infact you. The reason I joined was because I had good and positive experiences with a site I was a member (and moderator) of in London and I thought this would help me with making more friends back in Australia who have had similar experiences and now that I seem to be unintentionally rubbing some people up the wrong way, I'm wondering if indeed this is the right place for me. Thanks for informing me of the exclusivity of this site, I know my place now!
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Contributor
You posted a blog title 'harsh but fair' having a go at other cancer survivors for feeling sorry for themselves... I was just giving my idea of a harsh but fair response to that. We post a lot of personal information and express a lot of emotions on this site. To me, your post has eroded some of my confidence to continue doing that. Call me juvinile, exclusive, whatever...
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Occasional Contributor
I wasn't 'having a go', Steve, I was making an observation about people I encountered during my treatment in the UK, which I am very entitled to do (as you are to voice your opinion) It had absolutely nothing to do with this site - not even people in this country!! And just another observation, if you don't want to come across exclusive and immature, don't end a post with "whatever". This has got completely out of hand and I refuse to fuel the fire further.
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Contributor
OK! I have been reading this post evolve over the last few days and was hoping that things would settle.....but I think it's time to share my thoughts! I think it's worthwile reminding us all of some of the important things about this site. We're limited here, as we can't hear each other's tone of voice - so it's really easy to 'read' things in a way they were not intended to be read. We are also discussing deeply personal things - and often reflecting on or writing about these things in public for the first time. I think it's also worth reminding people (and as many have acknowledged in the above posts) that everyone has had a different experience in regards to cancer - and this is on top of huge differences in values, culture, age....etc. It's really important to respect those differences - when we're talking about such personal things, people may (and probably will) say things that might make us feel confronted or uncomfortable. But I think it's important to, as much as possible, to read each other's posts as reflecting their journey and experiences - and not directed at any particular individual on the site. We (The Cancer Council) have worked pretty hard to create this space for you all, knowing that many people benefit from sharing their experiences with those who have been through something similar. I've been so excited seeing this take shape, and the fabulous welcome and support that all of you have given to so many! My hope is that we can focus on those similarities, rather than on the differences. Please let me know if you disagree with anything I've written - you might also have thoughts of your own about things we could add to the "how to use this website section". Feel free to send a private message if you prefer - either to myself or Emmag. I have one more thing to add. As people become closer, and share personal stuff, it's pretty common to have conflict. So in one way, this means that we're scratching below the surface for some people. So the fact that there is conflict does not make me panic - but it does give us an opportunity to have a think about the sort of community we want to be. OK, I'll close my mouth now! Cheers, Kate (Telephone & Internet Support Group Coordinator, Cancer Council Victoria)
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Not applicable
Wow, I have not dropped in here for a couple of months & have just read the replies in this blog. So many emotions are stirred when someone is diagnosed with cancer and then battles through the treatments. Ive posted on the forum through the CC for close to 2 years now, well before this new version was online & right around the time I really needed the support. I found it helped me a great deal and was happy that I could also help out other people who were also struggling with a diagnosis. I think you're so right Kate to point out that we are all so different, different ages etc. One thing Ive discoverd is that the most inspiring people are the ones who can acknowledge all of the feelings that people may have and encourage them to accept that these feelings are all okay. We are all different, and 'Life is not fair' it wasnt meant to be. And many times have I though to myself and said aloud, life is not fair. I like to think Im a pretty positive person, but our lives have been changed forever and that really sucks. No matter how positive you are people who are ill can reach a point where they dont want to fight anymore, who are we to judge? There are people surviving cancer, and those who are not. Life is not fair? Also worth remembering that the younger we are, the more resilient we are to most things life throws at us. The older we get the more things build up. For example having cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery dealing with the fact that your partner may have to raise the kids alone, then realising, hang on, I still have to work, we have to eat, pay the mortgage, etc etc. So many different issues to deal with, that differ greatly to that of a teenager facing the same diagnosis. Young people with cancer need as much support as possible because the issues I just spoke of have to be dealt with down the track. Anyway, just my opinion. I like to think we can take it easy with each other on here. No judgements...just friendship & support.
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Frequent Contributor
Hi all, Just to let you know that have just come across this blog tonight..... and in reading the many and varied comments and posts I find it both confronting at hearing the conflict that has arisen 😞 and intriguing 🙂 as the topic and discussions of individuals behind the words and title is so interesting. I am going to sit with it for the weekend, turn my computer off and have a think about it all. Maybe we all could do the same and take a break from our computers for the weekend.... to reflect, relax and hopefully by next week can come back refreshed and anew. I like Butterfly's final comment and think it should become the sites motto "No judgements...just friendship & support".
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Contributor
Helo everyone, I just wanted to say that I am on my way back to Australia (at the airport in SIngapore now) and will be back in the office next week. I just wanted to remind everyone of the the importance of the support that Cancer Connections represent for many people out there affected by cancer and that it is what should keep us together as the community we are. In online communications, it is always normal to have some discussions that might go in a different direction of the one that was initially expected./planned. It is very normal in the online world and have found it in any community I have woorked with. Thsi is something that is not easy to control but what I would like to invite you all is to always keep it in mind and to continue using our community as a place to support people affected by cancer with the information and the conversations that sometimes are very hard to have elsewhere. Cancer connections really makes a difference for many people, let's never forget that. Sending you all my best wishes and looking forward to being back in the office to continue working in the community next week. Sincerely, Raul
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Frequent Contributor
Hi all, hope you had a relaxing weekend and are refreshed and renewed! i know i am now... well actually to tell you the truth, I was forced to relax as I wanted to spend the day in our veggie garden, but up here in Murwillumbah - it was just way too hot for a 39 week pregnant lady to do so. so i found myself inside lying down at 11am saying to myself - 'life sucks because i want to be in the garden'.... and so i began pondering 'what can i do now?' how plans can change from minute to minute each day. i knew to feel better i needed to change my frame of mind and go with the flow.... i found myself really wanting to turn my computer and chat with people on this site....but i had set myself a goal to refrain from doing that. BUT i confess, OK.... i did turn my computer on.... however, I controlled my urge to use this site for the weekend and instead went searching and reading gardening blogs.... and came across a very inspiring young couple from Brisbane who are trying to turn their lawn into food and become sustainable in one years time. if anyone else is crackers about gardening like me..here is their link - http://gustoso.wordpress.com/about/ So what else did everyone get up to over the weekend? Nikki
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Contributor
Last week I woke to a beautiful morning and decided to go for a walk to black wattle bay. On my walk I was thinking about a friend in S.A so I decided to text her a "hello". After a few texts between us I took a picture of the anzac bridge with the harbour bridge in the background and sent it to her. Her response was "life's not fair!", my response to that was "life's not fair but you make the most of it." I didn't hear back from her. Everyone one of us is different and has had various experiences with cancer. After reading everyones post I feel the common thread amongst all is that we choose to live. As we continue to live we may have days that are best forgotten and others that are worth remembering. For myself I never questioned "why me?". I always ask "when will this pain end?" Since my diagnosis I have learnt a lot about my self. I am stronger than I thought, I am more positive than I thought. I am loved and I love. So I think it's not fair that everyone can't experience this growth and knowledge.
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Contributor
Hello everyone, :) I arrived back in Australia on Saturday m,orning and on Saturday night I had some visitors so I spend most of my weekend showing them Sydney. Tehy really liked it ;) I am almost done with my jetlag and hoping to have a normal night of sleep tonight. Planning to get back to the gym tomorrow and to the pool the day after. Feel free to message me at any time if you need anything this week. Raul
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