My day started like most days with a new baby feeding, playing and sleeping. My endocrinologist still had not called with results of the biopsy, but my sub conscious mind was screaming call now! Like most people would I avoided it until I could no longer stand the overwhelming anxiety, it’s amazing how many things you can find to do around the house when you are completely avoiding the inevitable. So, with every little bit of strength I had; my body trembling involuntarily, my heart pounding and my mouth so dry I could hardly talk I made the call. Much to my surprise he said “oh well no news is good news; I have not herd anything yet”, I felt this instant wave of relief and thanked him for his time. My 2 month old son awoke to feed just as I was hanging up the phone; in that very moment I thought for the first time since my son was born I am free to enjoy him as I should. My mind swam with endless possibilities as my son fed contently, I know he sensed the shift in my mood and enjoyed it. My moment was interrupted by another phone call, but I didn’t mind I was in a great place things were going to be fine until I herd “Mrs C where are you…is someone with you?” I was a little shocked! It was my endocrinologist “You need to come to the hospital straight away”. I could feel the room spinning, I gently put my son in his bassinet I knew I would not be able to stand much longer; as I hung up the phone I fell to the floor and cried uncontrollably. It seems my endocrinologist had not checked my file yet, within the space of 5 minutes I had gone from luckiest mummy alive to a completely shattered mess. I didn’t need to go into the hospital to know what was happening; I had known my whole pregnancy something was not right; but I did need to find out what I was up against I could avoid it no longer. All the way to the hospital I could not speak, I could not move all I could do is stare blankly through the passenger window. In that moment all I could think is my son needs me, I just don’t have time for this. As we entered the endocrine ward I felt myself slipping further inward, I knew my husband would have to listen for me; of course I do remember the first few words “Mrs C you have cancer” the rest is a complete blur. I did however here the last sentence “you need to have your thyroid removed within the next 2 weeks, I have made an appointment with the surgeon for you”. At that moment I made an important decision, I could not give in to the fear; I would have to feel the fear and do it anyway. At that moment I lost something very precious that I will never get back; at that moment I lost my innocence.
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BUMP!
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Oh Amanda, This is incredible - I wrote the same thing in my book! After I looked in the mirror at myself following my mastectomy I thought, 'It's not my breast I will miss most, it's my innocence.' and had a good cry. It's been so wonderful getting to know you - we seem so similar! We are EXCEPTIONAL cancer survivors - lol - if I may say so myself! 🙂 Can't wait for you to read my book now. LLx
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I like the idea of being exceptional lets run with that 😉 its good to know I am not the only one that has had that moment of realising their innoscence was gone. It ws an incredibly sad moment but I like to think it gives me the drive to live life to the fullest.
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I remmeber the day cancer stripped me of my innocence. 5 May 2001. Hubby had a massive sezuire at 2 in the morning and it took me over 10 minutes to convince the person who picked up my 000 call that we needed an ambulance urgently. They finally came and then the ambulance attendants acted as if he was a drunk (he was out of the seizure by then but very disorientated). They took him in the ambulance and then I stood in the hallway trying to figure out whether to take my sleeping 11 month old with me to the emergency department. My nearest family member was a 11 hour flight away. I felt so alone. Seven years later I thought I'd grown up a little and built up better networks and defences. Hubby had his second massive seziure for the year in May 2009 (first one in Feb 09) and again I find myself alone at the emrgency department with him. He was out almost 30 minutes with his seizure and the doctors look at me as if I am a simpleton unable to understand the prgnosis of his condition. They seem almost not to care...he is dying anyway....every step of this process seems to force me to mature beyond my 35 years. sigh.
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thaker, Thankyou for sharing your story with me, I to had my maturity tested when my husband spent 6 months being mis-diagnosed and eventually diagnosed with testicular cancer. It was xmas eve 2007 I took my husband to his room to settle in before he fasted over night for what we new was an operation that still may not take place. I had my 2yo wiht me and stayed as long as I could but I really just wanted to lay down next to him until he went into surgery. I did get up early the next day especially to see him before surgery wiht our son in hopes it would lift his spirit. Its amazing that his cancer scared me more than mine and it was a blow I didn't think I could cope with, but we do. You sounds like an incredibly strong woman, I imagine your 8yo gives you great strength while this is happening. Its amazing how often we all deal wiht this alone. Hope your husband is doing a little better since his last seizure, it makes me so mad to think you have had to put up with the small mindedness of others through what is a very traumatic time. XX to you and your family
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Hi Amanda I am by no means strong, just super determined. My 9 yr old is really the one I worry about most. The younger one is too young to understand but the 9 yr old is already noticing that life after cancer diagnosis is different. I have organised for her to speak to the counsellor at her school and am trying to set up a support network for her to turn to just in case I am not able to be there for her as we all know how hectic it can get caring for a loved one and running the house at the same time. I am lucky that my parents have come to live with us to help us out ( at least most days I feel lucky.....some days mum makes me feel like pulling my hair out :)) I can't imagine what it would feel like to have a terminal illness but I do know that it is challenging to be a carer of someone with a terminal illness. Hubby is always surprised when I give him my perspective of things. He can't remember a lot of the things that happened at the hospital pre and post op and when we talk about it he seems surprised at what i tell him we went through. I think its amazing that you and your hubby are coping so well with a double diagnosis of cancer. I guess we dont know how much we can take til put to the test. All the best to you and your family. Sang
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