Angry

[Jules_68]

Why....Why.....Why.....People don't understand. They say "pick yourself up and get back to work" work will solve everything. I have been so positive, affirmations, meditation, yoga and then all of a sudden..the rug goes out from under me......If it was just cancer I could deal with it....but renal failure on top of it......well I'm giving the bird to the universe.......I thought I was doing well 5 mths on.....thinking geez I have really got a grip on this and quite proud of myself........when does it stop? NEVER......

[SILLY]

I am sorry that this has happened to you .You have been positive so now it may be time to complain. You deserve to say how you feel .What happens now?

[craftyone]

Other people really don't understand a lot of the time. Even if nothing else happens, life does not go on as before. I have been lucky so far, as my kidnes started to "pack-in" last November, but caught them in time. I now have to look after them, juggling the blood pressure medicine and fluids - as I have an ileostomy. Mine got damaged due to a very rare side effect of Nexium and yes, you do question WHY me???? You are allowed to be upset, not positive and angry - all of that. Indulge yourself now and then with bad feelings, we need to at times. A good cry is also very good for you. I am SO SORRY that you have had this happened to you, yes, it is hard enough dealing with cancer and the mental after effects without having other things happen. I will be thinking of you, let us know how you are getting on, Good luck, craftyone

[Jules_68]

Hi Craftyone and Silly, Yesterday was a bad day....the first really bad day. Yes I cried and sobbed and punched my pillow and my hubby stood by and handed me tissues, god bless him. I had renal reflux as a child and cancer took healthy kidney. I did ask "why me".....it was cleansing though. I am fighting going back to work....I really don't know how to answer questions....about why i was away. I have kept it very private so only manager and hr staff know. Also i did some soul searching overnight and discovered that I'm having "victim" attitude again. I guess Im scared of moving out of the "cancer recovery" phase and back into work....I guess i associate being able to work = healthy, and I know that I'm not. Im scared of going forward to the future because it is not written, I want to stay here where i feel safe believe it or not. Its a head space issue.......I feel so very mixed up with emotions. My doctor is pushing for me to go back to work in October and i fell into the pleasing mode and said OK.......Im mad with myself for not being authentic to myself. Thank you for sharing, it has made me stop, look and listen. The great thing about this blogging is that you can cry and indulge and then you get a reality check with other bloggers and say "Geez I have a lot to be grateful for". What happens now for me.....well. I watch my fluid intake and limit foods (Im missing my strawberries) that cause uric acid.....my blood pressure is good and cholesterol is boarder line. I don't need binders for uric acid or minerals yet....so I guess I'm healthy as i can be at present. As for cancer, chemo and radiation do not work so surgery is only option. After writing all this I have pin pointed the trigger for all this. When dr filled out income protection forms he wrote "chronic renal failure". I have been working through the cancer and pushed the renal to the back of my mind. I could only process one scare at a time.......I realise I'm too far in the future and not taking it day by day....

[Jules_68]

I also have to thank my group "In Touch" for survivors. It unearthed emotions......

[SILLY]

When you have negative thoughts and feelings why should you not express them .It's better than trying to pretend that they aren't real . As you found it makes you feel better to get it out . Do not feel that you have to tell anyone at work anything you don't want to,so you need to have some answers in your mind beforehand. Eg, had some health issues,taken care of now had some things to take care of for someone Maybe others can offer some better suggestions. You don't have to lie but think of answers that don't give much information and at the same time give the hint that you don't want to discuss it .No one is entitled to your personal information .Only share what you want.

[Jules_68]

Thank you Silly, you have educated me. I hope i can articulate this. From your response I discovered the avenue of 3rd person. I did not think of this. My doctor suggested use the gold lotto line....won but went through the money, which we did win $15.....hahaha so not a lie but didn't sit with me, felt like it was sarcastic. What feels right is "Time off for a loved one, all taken care of now", I will use this......its being truthful yet closed comment. Thanks again Silly. I love this site and the responses, I always manage to extract at least one useful tool. Jules

[SILLY]

Yes-truthful,closed,feels right. I saw a counsellor for a few sessions last year and she suggested I have a few "one-liners", as she called them,ready.I also was told to only share with others what I was comfortable with .I had not thought about these things for a while until your question came up. So glad I could help.