I am not coping very well, the pain and anguish I feel is unbearable most days, I seem to be swinging between relentless crying, dry retching, to zombie state. I have been to the Doc to get some antidepressants - god knows if it is the right thing I want as they don't seem to work either. The loneliness is overwhelming, I can't believe he has gone, I keep hearing his voice and seeing his face...... I cannot sleep in our bed anymore, it exacerbates the loneliness and if I do sleep , my night is full of nightmares. I feel like my life is a nightmare 24/7 now..... It's is just so not fair what has happened to us, I keep asking why, why , why , why.... We are good people .....why did this despicable disease kill our loves? And kill our future and our dreams? I know I will drive myself crazy asking for the rest of what is left of my life.... why, why, why? I don't want to hear the platitudes anymore... There is no "light at the end of the tunnel".... If someone tells me one more time to "be strong for the children" I'll hit them... I don't want the "ooohhh ahhhh you need grief counseling" etc etc etc....... And then I watch you all go off back to your safe little world and I go back to my broken remnants of an existence, I cannot call it a life because it's not a life......not for me and not for our children. Fuck you cancer. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! God help me I want him back so bad the pain is no longer in my heart, it is in every pore of my body.
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