So angry, yet so unhappy too.......

[willow]

Hi I am so angry tonight - and upset - and stressed - and now that the initial strong feelings are starting to pass I am feeling a little sad and worried. What am I going to do, now there is even more uncertainty in my life. I have been struggling with my workplace since returning in late November. I had gone back too soon after my treatment finished. It had only been three weeks and I wasn't coping emotionally or physically. I was on a back to work program but it was just too hard. Also I was driving in and that too was taking it's toll. So in February I went to HR and told them I needed to take a break so I could focus on my recovery and help my elderly parents. I explained that I wasn't coping. They were fine with this but my manager wasn't. I won't go into all the things he has done to make me unhappy but he has definetely made my return difficult. Just one thing that stands out is that he wouldn't let me take the three days between Christmas and New Year even though I resorted in the end to saying to him,'I haven't had a Christmas or birthday (it was my daughter's b'day on the 29th Dec and she had spent the last six years in London) with the whole family for six years and I wasn't sure I was going to be here for the next one. He still said it was a business requirement that I work the three days. Anyway - I have worked only 26 days since my return on the 30th November and he asked me to submit a performance review. I thought this was ridiculous so I wrote that I have been sick and not worked enough days or done any specific work only helped my colleagues. The email today was a response to this - he basically rubbished the work I had done and said I was not performing at the level I had been previously (before I got sick) What did he expect - he knew i was struggling and I had explained to him more than once that I had chemo fog and was struggling. I have applied for part time work and he doesn't want me there in a part time role so he is making me look incompetent. I have done so much good for this company ...when promoted in 2007 to a consultant role I was given notoriously problematic accounts to assess and solve and after months of working late and long hours sifting through archived information I was able to on two different accounts save the company a considerable sum of money and prove that payment was owed. Nearly half a million dollars. And now this bastard is trying to work a case against me to say that I am inadequate and incompetent and lazy. I will no longer work for him....I can't.....today was the last straw.....but I have decided to raise a grievance against him and the company because I will not go with nothing. I don't want or need this stress or added grief right now but what else can I do. So as of Monday I will be without a job and I don't know whether this is a good thing or not. Because before this 'cancer' came into my life I was respected in my job and I loved my job and i was good at it. It gave me a reason to get up in the mornings. What will I do now .....I am not confident enough to start again and I am not young enough either......I feel like writing all night but I need to rest as I am emotionally spent. Thanks as always for reading this....I hope it makes sense as I am still upset and angry and miserable all at the same time. Willow xo