Hi, I dont mean to be negative and only ever try to remain positive and under the circumstances i think i have done pretty well but sometimes the strain of having cancer just overwheelms me.Its been 2 years now since i was diagnosed with stage 4 advanced esophageal cancer.Had my latest checkup last week and the doctor told me he is surprised i am sitting in his office and still have no recurrence.....good news hey...I have moments when my face lights up with complete happiness and then other times i feel just so down in the dumps...I feel lost most of the time lately,like no direction in life after having it turned upside down a couple of years ago.Being on a disabilty pension just doesnt cut it for me as i was always a hard worker so i have returned to work on two occassions this year and both times have lost my job due to being hospitalized with a small bowel obstruction which the oncologist is 99% sure is not cancer related so more good news.I just want normality back in my life...go to work...look forward to the weekends..have a beer with the boys watching the footy....not have people asking me hows my health all the time.. I asked centrelink if there is any options to obtaining employment where the employer is aware of my illness and i wouldnt be sacked if i had time off due to my illness but basically i was told jobs like that dont exist anyway.Just leaves me no choice but just to try and gain employment and lie about my health and just keep my fingers crossed i dont get sick.It hasnt been easy keeping a brave attitude since my diagnosis,I was never told i would be cured because i had distant metasis and im in a very small percentage of people that has good results 2 years after chemo and radiation...I know i should be grateful and believe me i am!I just need normality back in my life and i have tried so hard to make it happen but then i have been pushed down again.Im not really the kind to feel sorry for myself and be apathetic but after 2 years I really really just want to scream,jump up and down,tell everyone im p*$## off! I wish that i would wake up and it was all just a bad dream...
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