Economics and Christmas

[Sailor]

The Following came through from the Health Issues Centre weekly Bulletin. some of you may already receive it so I apologise of you have it already. However, for those of us who appreciate slightly dark humour, I thought this would add to the collection. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: • The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. • The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. • The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. • The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. • The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. • The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. • The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. • As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. • Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. • Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing the group with ten out-of-work police officers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed officers this year. • Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. • We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Cheers Sailor

[samex]

Perfect timing. I just received ionformation through Cancer Council that the powers that be will probably not be proceeding with early bowel cancer screenings. S

[harker]

I am likely to suffer end stage turkey failure and burn the damned thing again. H