So totally in disbelief that cancer won the battle. We held a celebration of a great life last Tuesday for craigybaby but I just can't come to grips with it all. My husband is dead. Then 2 days following his service his mother dies. I can barely keep myself together and I have to focus on her and plan her service, etc. I am just so angry, bitter and frustrated. Never did she allow craig to shine....he was always pushed aside for his other siblings, never good enough. and now, even in death she usurps our grief. I can't believe I am so bitter. I miss him so. I keep attempting thoughts for and to him only to be cut short with the realsiation that he is nolonger alive. Just so so SO ANGRY. How can such a generic problem such as squaemous cell carcimona result in his death when he was under specialists for most of his adult life without any conversation nor even a glimpse that this might be the result. Palliative radiotherapy only zapped his energy, the lessions continued to erupt throughout it and there was no quality of life. Once he stopped eating and drinking totally and became angry, bitter, frustrated and then incoherent it was only days in palliative care = you hear such wonderful things = but there is another side which is horrific. just crying frustrated, sad - oh so very sad. All he wanted was to retire in november and enjoy a forster holiday - not great big enormous and outrageous dreams, but ones that I will now have to do without him. Oh so sad for him not to have been able to achieve his goals. so sad.
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Contributor
Oh, smartyaligatorpants I am so terribly sorry for the agony you are going through. What an awful struggle for you. My heart aches for you. I can understand where your anger is coming from but please don't let it consume you. It does seem you have a job to do to organise your Craig's mother's funeral - is there anyone who can help you? You may just need to go on autopilot to get it done while holding your grief for Craig in your heart without allowing your anger to intrude into this special place. I can only offer prayers for strength and support and warmest hugs of comfort to you in this, the saddest of times for you. Kindest regards, Pamela :'(
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so today we farwelled my mother in law. it is so difficult to go through the motions without anger....i feel just so adrift and without a focus. when craig was fighting his battle the focus was to keep him as comfortable as possible while attempting to provide him with encouragement and support all the while attending to his mothers needs as a stroke and dementia patient. now with the two lives ended i don't know what to do, where to go, even who I am anymore. just so angry, scared and so very very adrift. how can i be the support to my daughter that she so very much needs at the moment when my life has been shattered.
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Smartyaligatorpants, your duty to Craig's mother is over and now it is time to focus on yourself, your daughter and the grief you share. Life will be very difficult with emotional ups and downs for a long time. I understand that you feel so adrift when half of your oneness with Craig has been torn from you. You may need help with counselling - often available from your local hospital. Do be gentle with yourself, but also realise that you are much stronger than you realise at present. Prayers of strength and hugs of comfort to you both, Pamela 😞
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I am tired. I can't get motivated to do anything...I just sit, and cry. Everything is just beyond me. Daughter is out every day and all night long - risky behaviour but she is over 21 and this is her way of coping with the emotional turmoil that we have been forced into. Me, I am just so numb, scared and frightened and so very very sad. I find myself in prethought anticipating a thought that is nearly there - I wonder if he..... Is he awake?.... and find myself stopping to relive that he is nolonger here. His chair is empty, the lights are out. I am alone and so very very sad. Regrets consume me. Regrets for what he wanted and couldn't achieve and regrets for our daughter and I. I can barely walk, stand. Medical problems are escalating and my gp takes bloods and tells me to be kind to myself. What does that mean? How can one achieve that? I was always the strong one who just did it....now I am a puddle.
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Smartyaligatorpants, I do so feel for you with the agony you are going through. Please realise that it is a normal, though severe part of your grieving process. The strength that has served you so well in the past is not up to this just now, nor is it meant to be. You have suffered a cruel loss which has shaken you to your core. I do hope you can get some help from friends/family/counsellor just to let you talk, cry, hug, supply food and whatever else you desperately need just now. Prayers for your needs to be addressed and hugs of comfort, Pamela 😞
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Oh my dear smartyalligatorpants. It is at times like this we feel angry, as we regret we didn't get to do the things we thought we would. You were robbed. I don't know how many times I lamented.."if only we had...." didn't get me anywhere. I eventually "techniqued" myself into saying OK we didn't get to go on the train trip from sydney to Adelaide (wasn't too much too ask I thought) but we did get 4 amazing nights at Apollo Bay courtesy of friends...I have only just managed to master this technique. It was all about Kevin would have loved/hated/said etc. I exhausted myself. I think Pamela is right. You might want to consider counselling to work through your emotions. My man died Nov 2012 and I felt cheated too and I also felt guilt. What I learned is that guilt is a way we assess and re-asses what we are doing and saying and if we could do it better. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I didn't feel ready to see a counsellor until late Jan 2013 and she was a wonderful help and able to explain what I was feeling and why. At this time your body will be releasing various hormones (grief hormones) which will make you feel up and down. The hormones are there to try and protect you from getting sick at a very vulnerable time. Your defenses are down...remember that. I don't know how old your daughter is. Maybe you can try to explain to her how you feel and that you are still there for her. She may be feeling the same way. Kevin has been gone almost 12months now and I still feel grief. Day to day stuff is ok and I have got on with the more "normal" part of life and can actually laugh genuinely out loud now, but it still isn't the same and never will be. I have accepted the "new" and with time you will too. Be kind to yourself and take some deep breaths and embrace yourself. A friend of mine was widowed very young (over 30years ago) and she still talks about her John and what his thoughts and opinions were and has learned to do so appropriately as I just starting too. she said John may be dead but he is not forgotten. I hope your friends will give you the time and space to talk about your man as if he is still here until you find your comfort zone. Thinking of you...D
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P.S. in the meantime, it might be helpful to google the "4 Tasks of Grieving" There are some other websites that are helpful in trying understand what is going on grief.
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I'm just not progressing. I understand the grief process - goodness, I've counselled enough people on it during my career, but when I find myself engulfed and drowning in it myself without anyone there to help, support, even through a buoy - there are hours, minutes, days, times when it just seems too hard and constantly trying to keep afloat just doesn't seem worth the effort. But I'm still here - for what it's worth....just so sad.
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Smartyaligatorpants, you must be gentle with yourself. It is only 10 days since your first post - a negligible amount of time. You should not expect too much in days and weeks - the time it takes is so very individual. When my first husband died (from a heart attack at 49 in '93) I experienced shock - and grief for years. I acted out in robotic fashion with all the things that needed to be done. I had counselling which helped briefly but at 2 years I crashed and had more professional counselling. Even years later, certain things would have me in tears again. I feel the deeper you love, the more intense the sadness when your loved one is no more. Though you may well not be at acceptance level in the grief process, please try to accept yourself and your feelings as they are now. The sadness you feel is normal and natural and it is a testament to your relationship with your husband. Warm hugs of comfort, Pamela
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Yes, it is sad, very sad. I hit a "slump" a short while ago too. Kevin died 28Nov 2012 and as I seem to make progress, something kicks me in the shins. Each trough seems a little less deep and a bit easier to climb out again. For the first time, I woke up a few mornings ago and was so miserable that he wasn't next to me. I thought I was ok with that as I was used to him not being there given hospital stays and the nights he had to sleep alone as he was uncomfortable in bed with me as he needed to stretch out It is so hard. Please believe me it does start to get a little more bearable with time. There are still tears as I think about what could have been and now I try to think about what was and how I can take that into the future with me. You are in early days. At your stage, I was yearning and crying. Nothing made sense. Please be patient with yourself. I am hoping that when you are ready you will find a counsellor who can help you. In the meantime, we are all here sending you love and feeling sorry for your pain.
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thank you all for your support. i continue with counselling and although not able to return to work due to my health issues i am going to see if i can find something to draw my attention for at least some part of the week - just need to determine what it is i like, can do etc...maybe then the all consuming black cloud might lighten for an hour or two.
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You certainly have been going through the wringer. If you are looking for a therapeutic activity, can I recommend some form of creative activity? Knitting or cross stitch or embroidery have been found to have therapeutic benefits for depression, anxiety, stress and even some chronic physical illnesses. (See www.stitchlinks.com if you're interested in finding out more- started by a British nurse researching the therapeutic benefits of craft). I started stitching years ago, and found it really helped me to deal with my husband's cancer (especially his chemo, when I just had to be very passive and watch.) If you're not sure where to start, have a look around your local craft shop (if you have one?) to see if anything strikes your eye. The staff will be only too happy to answer any questions if you want to get started on something. Whatever you do, I hope you can find beauty and peace this week. love Emily xx
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thanks emily, i use to be quite okay with cross stiching & knitting but unfortunately my fine and major motor skills have been adversely affected by health problems - so I need to redevelop and retrain for these. I so appreciate your advice and will go and give it a try - fingers crossed there won't be too much blood - 🙂
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I'm so glad you have stitched before! I really wasn't sure if craft was your 'thing', and felt a bit silly suggesting it, in case the idea made you yawn or gag. I'm sorry you haven't been able to stitch recently,but I can pretty much guarantee you'll be able to find something that you'll be able to do, and enjoy. Maybe even something like photography- still creative, but much easier on the joints. With love and craftiness, Emily
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HI EMILY Yes was quite the creative little stitcher. Am starting to feel the urge again slowly. Spent most of yesterday re arranging my "study" to turn it into an arts and craft room. I painted it yellow sometime ago with lime green trim. Very vibrant and uplifitng. Nice and sunny too (when we get sun in Mel). Have moved my sewing machine, mosaics, knitting and crochet needles in and all packed away neatly for when I am ready. I am moving my study/office into Kevin's office but first have to paint it. We both had our own businesses, hence our own study/offices. I feel quite spoiled having so much room and am ready to accept that I am deserving (like so many other carers) of being a bit spoiled and self indulgent. Will look up that website tho, as I remember how relaxed, albeit sometimes challenged I felt when knitting etc. A great distraction and also an acheivement to see what you have made. I think the ONJ Welness Centre at the Austin have an Art Therapy program which is different from just sitting down and BEING arty and crafty. Again, it is a feeling of moving on without Kevin and things he is not here to enjoy with me, tho I know he is with me in a different way. Lots of love and all the best for the Christmas Season and a calm, Peaceful New Year ....Denise
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Yay Denise! Your craft room sounds fantastic- embrace it. I'm lucky enough to have a craft room, and it's brilliant, as it means you don't have to pack up your bits at the end of the day- just close the door (or not even). It can be really handy to leave things where they are and come back a few days later for a fresh look if you get stuck. I'm so glad you understand your husband will always be with you. It's so important to know that those we love never really leave. Take care of yourself my friend, love Emily
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most days are the same... some sense of 'normality' then WHAM reality hits and the pain intensifies and I am left reeling. does this ever get any easier? what a retorical question...of course it doesn't.
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today was our wedding anniversary - it would have been 28 years. so difficult even to move from the lounge, so i'll just remain here for the present. easier than pretending all is good when in all respects i am broken.
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Smartyalligatorpants, I'm glad you're not pretending everything is ok- there's really no benefit from that. Sending you big gentle hugs, Emily
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