So totally in disbelief that cancer won the battle. We held a celebration of a great life last Tuesday for craigybaby but I just can't come to grips with it all. My husband is dead. Then 2 days following his service his mother dies. I can barely keep myself together and I have to focus on her and plan her service, etc. I am just so angry, bitter and frustrated. Never did she allow craig to shine....he was always pushed aside for his other siblings, never good enough. and now, even in death she usurps our grief. I can't believe I am so bitter. I miss him so. I keep attempting thoughts for and to him only to be cut short with the realsiation that he is nolonger alive. Just so so SO ANGRY. How can such a generic problem such as squaemous cell carcimona result in his death when he was under specialists for most of his adult life without any conversation nor even a glimpse that this might be the result. Palliative radiotherapy only zapped his energy, the lessions continued to erupt throughout it and there was no quality of life. Once he stopped eating and drinking totally and became angry, bitter, frustrated and then incoherent it was only days in palliative care = you hear such wonderful things = but there is another side which is horrific. just crying frustrated, sad - oh so very sad. All he wanted was to retire in november and enjoy a forster holiday - not great big enormous and outrageous dreams, but ones that I will now have to do without him. Oh so sad for him not to have been able to achieve his goals. so sad.
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