April 2018
2 Kudos
hugs to you Leesnell - sadly I do understand your experiences and pain.......my prayers are for your kind travels through this dreadfully difficult time. holler out if ever you need ....<3 amanda.
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March 2018
2 Kudos
so even with time, nothing changes but the date on the calendar.....so alone in all this, struggling to engage in daily life, find myself staring into the abyss of this 'new' normal - nothing is what is was nor is what it should be and this 'now' is not even a very pleasant space or place to be. all is bleak and dark.... i cry
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September 2016
so horribly alone...thought that work would be a positive influence but it just makes it more real that I am alone and so very very lonely. Even in a crowded room where they are all chatting, talking about their lives, organising outings, lunches, etc there is no one even seeing me there. I say hello, listen and smile even share some news or other such things but never never am I included - I've baked, attempted to show how interested I am in being included to be totally shunned. This hurts so very much. I don't think I can handle it anymore, but I need to work, otherwise there's no money. Government says I am fit to work regardless of the multiple chronic health issues - amazing that I do what I can and I'm told that all is okay with me when in every respect I am shattered and in splinters under feet.
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August 2016
all our plans all our dreams and goals all stolen and what remains is just a huge black void i try to keep busy and i've been working in part time and temporary jobs since cancer stole our future but lonliness, isolation, anger and my own health issues have meant that this is only short respites and all returns with a smash and a bang.
i move through the days and nights alone and in pain - physical, emotional and mental pain. i have no purpose and no goals. all that i was has been stolen. all our dreams have been broken.
i try to show a positive and resilient facade - but that is what is is....a facade and one with many cracks and flaws that it's difficult and extremely taxing to keep up. i cry
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April 2016
Hi Janey, I hear what you say. I cared for my husband prior to him losing his battle to cancer. I was in disbelief the majority of the time, feeling numb, anger, frustration, compassion, horror and of course total denial. Friends disappeared, never to return (other than for the funeral). Use this site and talk...talk til you don't want to talk any more. Love, live and hold every moment close. Life is so very brief and the time is so very fleeting. Hold close the love you have and for those that say you are whining or whatever - leave them - they aren't walking a mile in your shoes. Janey - you and your loved ones are in my prayers and thoughts. 2 1/2 years on and it feels like a lifetime and just yesterday all at the same time. x
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April 2016
Hi Janey, I hear what you say. I cared for my husband prior to him losing his battle to cancer. I was in disbelief the majority of the time, feeling numb, anger, frustration, compassion, horror and of course total denial. Friends disappeared, never to return (other than for the funeral). Use this site and talk...talk til you don't want to talk any more. Love, live and hold every moment close. Life is so very brief and the time is so very fleeting. Hold close the love you have and for those that say you are whining or whatever - leave them - they aren't walking a mile in your shoes. Janey - you and your loved ones are in my prayers and thoughts. 2 1/2 years on and it feels like a lifetime and just yesterday all at the same time. x
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November 2015
time heals - not for me. time just makes my lonliness more prevelent and more isolating. i feel cheated and so alone. i hate it!!! there is no one, nobody and nothing to fill me.
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April 2015
now it's over 18 months since my husband died. some days it seems like only a nightmare, others it seems like forever. my ability to focus on anything positive is all a farce. i work, smile, laugh and generally seem okay but that is all an empty shell. i see myself doing normal everyday things and want to scream yell and kick - nothing is normal any more. my screams are silent - there is no one to hear them...no one...no one!
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November 2014
My husband died from general skin cancer that he fought valliantly for many many years. When we initially received the terminal diagnosis and throughout his 6 months of palliative radiotherapy he became very withdrawn, angry; pushing me away and raged against all that I was offering. Like others I sought counselling to adjust my behaviours as what I was doing only seemed to cause more angst and grief. He also on my 50th birthday and on our 27th wedding anniversary continued to push me away with anger - all I believe to be directed towards making his final steps of less impact - as if they ever would.
It is so very very lonely to lose the love of your life and to know they lose all of us - they do not give up the fight, valliantly challenging the beast with all that they have - just sometimes the arrows are relentless regardless of their commitment.
My strive to believe that they remain with us and there for us when needed. It's just that I am so very selfish and sorely miss his physical presence that I am raging against totally accepting his new journey.
I have been told hearing is the final sense to go... Craig's IPod had been blaring out his music choices non-stop for 5 days both at home and during his final 3 days in palliative care and during his last hours, every song of the 600+ that are recorded were ones that he either loved, held close and sang along to....something to hold on to - keep talking, TAPPS: tolerance, acceptance, patience, persistence and self-control....not easy but so very very true.
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