I saw my doctor today and was told I have a 60/40 chance of a recurrence. This has rocked me a bit as I thought my stats were a bit better than that. I am feeling pretty depressed at the moment as my treatment ends next Monday and I feel very vulnerable. The conversation with him today was full of negatives in regard to what I can expect in my future. I don't know who to talk to about this - I have a huge lump in my gut and chest and I feel as if I am about to lose control. I am soooo scared and alone and I can't deal with this fear that is taking over my entire being. I have had 7 really harrowing months and I feel as if there is no end to this feeling of misery. This is not a positive posting but I just need to put in writing how bad I feel and if anyone has any ideas on how to get through this I would be very grateful for your feedback. Kind regards, Willow
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Super Contributor
Hiya Willow Really sorry to hear of your news hugsss ... i had similar type news today myself and still trying to get my head around it. A good nights sleep will make all the diff for me. Hope you are feeling ok and sending you hugsss n thoughts. Julie
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Contributor
Hi Willow, Hope you find strength and courage to get through this new shock and that you can find some comfort in knowing that others are thinking of you. The beauty of this site is that you can share the frustrations/fears/hopes etc with all of us, please don't do it alone. Take care, Mrs Elton
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New Contributor
Hi Julie I hope your news wasn't too bad. Did you get your good night's sleep? Thanks for your reply and the hugs - makes a difference knowing someone can understand. It is very hard to get your head around the possibility of this thing returning to invade your sanity and your health - life has not been the same since my diagnosis yet you have to find a way to get through each day. Take care. Willow
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Hi Mrs Elton Thanks for your reply. I do find it comforting to know that I can say how I feel on this site as I cannot tell my family or friends how I really feel - they just don't want to know and can't seem to understand that I just can't cope some days - I have to put on a happy face for them all the time as they don't want to deal with the reality of what I am feeling/facing. I have to go away and cry alone wondering if the pain of all this will ever fade. Thanks again for your kind words of support. Willow
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Frequent Contributor
Hi there Willow What I have found works for me is having the mindset that I'm 'living with cancer'. With that mindset I can go to my oncologist and not be surprised by a recurrence. I would say 'Tell me something I don't know, I've been living with this for a while now, you telling me it's recurred is nothing new'. I am very comfortable with this mindset. I don't have to say I am 'fighting cancer' or having a 'cancer journey'. Others might prefer me to 'fight' so they can portray the whole thing without discomfort to themselves, ie. I should make it all go away. I think it is important to not buy in to that. Maybe you can get someone to help you communicate with family and friends. I did. I have a fantastic counsellor who has really helped me with this. Get a mental health plan from your GP. So, I 'have cancer' and I am living with that knowledge. It effects my life choices more and more. I'm having a lot of fun. I'm the happiest I've ever been. A doctor telling me it's recurred doesn't change anything for me. Maybe this is useful, I don't know. I do know that what you are describing re family, friends and views about how you should behave is a common theme for all of us here. I share that with you. H
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Thanks Harker I hear what you are saying and it does make sense but I think I am still finding it so very hard to accept myself that this is happening to me some days and I just want to wish it all away. Telling myself 'I have cancer' is not something I can do easily. You are probably right in that if I did just accept and live with the fact that I have cancer I would be able to start enjoying my life more and actually start having fun again. I long for that day .........I am definetely working on it but feel I have a long way to go to achieve that sort of 'peace of mind' Take care, Willow
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Frequent Contributor
We all have different ways of coming to an acceptance of it. I know it's easy for me to be accepting because I am a relatively passive personality in the first place. Someone more feisty might not find my approach the best one. I have a really good counsellor for all this. I know it's a great help to me. She specialises in cancer patients. I'm not doing it on my own. Nor should you. Cheers. H
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Super Contributor
Hey Willow :) Yeah i had a great nights sleep thanks. Feeling much better about everything. I learnt a long time ago that i dont need to think about anything if i am not sleeping and i can pretty much achieve that. Feeling heaps better about things, nothing has changed in reality .. i am still the same and doing the same treatment and do it i will and get it over and done with. Cant wait for that day!! Life will never be the same and as soon as you accept that the better off you will be. 🙂 I think for me, once i did accept that things got easier. This time round i have decided that as much as possible i am not going to sweat about things that are not actually happening and if and when they do happen then i will sweat!! Not always easy to do, granted, it is possible though. hope you are doing ok? I try and look on some of this as my current job. Tis my job to have personal responsibility for the things i can be responsible for. Tis my job to keep my head in the right direction and not on negative thoughts. All sorts of things really, albeit smallish i guess in reality and yet at this point in time i find it helps. hugsss again just cos i can and i happen to like them too .... heh Julie
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Super Contributor
Oh hey Willow ... Sorry have only just seen this reply ... yeah i got my good nights sleep thanks and heads in the right place sort of. Am at the end of treatment now and ready to go home after 6 nearly 7 long weeks away from home. 🙂 It is hard to keep one's sanity and yes we do need to find a way to get through each day. I try and keep my thoughts in check to what is happening right here and now, not always easy or doable but works for me. Hope you are doing ok at the mo. hugsss Julie
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Contributor
Hi Willow. I hope you're having a good day. Within 5 minutes of meeting my oncologists he had shown and explained in great detail my personalised mortality graph. I felt like I had been knocked sideways and then stepped on by an elephant. My oncologists had kindly printed out a copy of my mortality graph for me to take home and as soon as I got home I threw it away. On that day I decided that I wasn't going to be a statistic, that the numbers meant there was a chance of the cancer reoccuring. This was without taking into considertaion my nature and determination. You really do have to take life a day at a time. Some days you will feel invincible other days you may want to stay under the doona all day. 3 weeks ago I had a bilateral breast reconstruction and saw the scars for the first time on friday and I had a breakdown as all i could see were scars all over my body. I was told I wouldn't be able to drive for a month. It's been less than a month and I drove. I was moving my arms and doing exercises when I was able so that I could drive sooner. Try not to let statistics determine how to live your life. If you like set a goal for yourself using the GROW method (set a specific goal. think about if it is realistic taking into consideration what resources are available to you to achieve the goal.Look at what options there are for you and then list what you need to do to reach your goal including timelines.) and every morning when you wake up ask yourself "what will i do today that will bring me closer to my goal?". Sorry I do ramble. I hope you are in a better head space and feeling better. Reena ( :
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