I am Mrs Invisible

[Jewel_and_Mark]

You know what?, when you all go silent as I walk pass you at the school gates, I notice.....you don't hide it very well. I know I don't look so great these days and I may seem a bit aloof, however I am trying really hard to do as you all suggest "get on with it" "look after myself" "be strong for the kids"...... It really has amazed me how quickly the phone has become silent. I have tried to talk to you,I have phoned you in an attempt to reach out, but the conversation is now stilted from your end and you hang up as quickly as you can.....after nearly 25 years of friendship, I don't know, maybe I am expecting too much to ask for your time? Yes, I know you are just sticking to your company protocol, but gee, how can I help resolve the matter if you won't give me the information I need for an account that is in both our names? Yes I sent you a certified death certificate.... Yes I know I am not the "primary account holder" holder....what shall I do? Should I bring his ashes down to your office so you can see for yourself? Oh great thanks, you'll remove Marks name from the health cover, you'll change our health cover from a "Family Cover" to a "Single Parent Cover" and charge me 2 dollars shy of the same amount with the same benefits....however I am lost as to where you think we are no longer still a family? Gahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Humans are so stupid sometimes.

[Mrs_Elton]

Oh Jewel, How similar our lives are..........I totally GET what you are writing and feeling. I am so OVER the notification thing, I haven't made a single phone call about any of the stuff I should have since about 2 weeks after Greg died. It is so very distressing to continually repeat the 'new situation' that I find myself in and to have to 'fight' for basic information is ludicrous. The call that broke my back as it were, was to an organization that Greg dealt with mostly online, it was relating to our 'company' and as I am now a sole director, the information should be 'easy' to obtain. After several phone calls with promises of calls being returned, that weren't, I finally got the right person to talk to, who promptly put up another barrier and then told me 'but you can still access online for all your transactions'........that is the bloody point, I DON'T KNOW THE PASSWORD and I have no way of finding out the password. AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH. I haven't attempted to change the private health cover, and after reading your words, I am putting that back into the 'deal with that later' pile. The silent phone, it sucks. Reaching out is so very hard to do, asking for help....well I feel that I would be asking every 5 minutes. I know that people don't know what to say, but geez when they don't say anything it feels like they don't care. Our whole world has been turned upside down, shaken and then dropped. It hurts and it hurts that everyone else can move on with their lives like nothing has happened. Mrs Invisible, I see you and I care about you, keep sharing because I will listen. Hugs and more hugs, Jill

[Jewel_and_Mark]

Jill we are more similar than you realise!! I too now am trying to deal with Marks business partner, he is now the sole Director, however I inherited the other share! You would think that with the business partner things would be easier, noooooo way, he is hell bent on selling our family home now so he can pay out the company debts and then run off into retirement that he should have taken 3 YEARS AGO! So I wonder if I would have had it easier if I had been the sole Director....even with the hassles, at the very least I would be in charge of the decision making instead of dealing with the bureaucratic bull that comes with those ( accountants, lawyers,tax office, business partner) that think they can make all the choices about our familys future without ANY consultation from me. And as for those that can't see me any more.....so much for their moot promises and platitudes of "don't worry we'll be here for you Jewel" "If there is anything you need, even a chat , just call and we'll listen" I feel I'd have been better of emotionally if they had just stayed away completely rather than making me feel so invisible after telling me they would support me through this terrible time. I am so angry and frustrated, they can rot in hell! You're right Jill better to put the rest of the chores in the "deal with later" pile.....it's hard enough to deal with the external rubbish as well as the feeling of abandonment. ((hugs you tight)) Jewel

[thaker]

Jewel and Julie I hate to admit this but 7 months on I am still sorting out the too hard pile. You would not believe how difficult transferring a direct debit payment can be. Isnt it amazing how fast everyone around you goes back to their normal lives. I have had shocking things said to me like "surely you've gotten used to it and dont miss him any more". I attended an info session at my now previous work place where some financial planners came in to give a talk and the planners example which she kept using was of a client whose husband died of cancer leaving her with all sorts of issues and none of my colleagues or bosses attending that session thought to suggest she use another example...I am supposed to get on with it. Accept the crappy deal I have been handed and not make a fuss....why...because to do otherwise would make everyone else uncomfortable.... I hate that being a widow seems to come with a silent beacon to one and all to keep away. Suddenly we are an unknown species and people dont know what to say or do. My cuts go a little deeper. My husband's family has not bothered to keep in touch. We moved recently and when I told them we were moving they didn't ask where to. My older girl had a birthday, they did not call to wish her. They live 20 minutes away yet the last time they visited us was in January. My heart aches for the girls that they have been "abandoned" by that side of the family. My new number is listed. Not one phone call yet. I am a little further down the track from you in terms of sorting out affairs but I've walked a similar path.Hugs to both of you.

[Jewel_and_Mark]

Hello Thaker, Gee your work place management need a smack with a "clue stick" , so much for being in the days of good HR and showing emotional IQ. It could have made more sense if the management had asked you if you wanted to talk about the impact of the scenario from "your" perspective....they'd have then got a realistic understanding instead of relying on a "fictional" account. Oh Yes.... I relate totally to the relative "invisibility" thing too.....the same as happened here, Marks family, all bar one brother, have virtually forgotten us! Anyone would think that by our darlings dying of cancer , we have now been infected and we're going to spread the disease to anyone who comes in contact.... My poor darling son said as much this week, when I overheard him asking his sister why people were not helping us anymore.....he can't understand "why Aunty "D" or his stepsister don't phone him as much anymore" My daughter who is a little more succinct/cluey about human behavior was consoling her brother with answers like " Ohhhh they're probably busy" "they still love us but are working hard" etc etc I hate to think that my "to do pile" is still going to be there in a years time......and yet right now I don't think I have a choice as to how quickly things will sort out, so I figure I'll just try dealing with todays hell... ((hugs to you)) Jewel