I feel as though I am in a dream.
I so wish that my family were all together again; mum, dad & siblings all under the same roof. Mum's hearty dinners and dad's practical jokes. Family ABBA dance routines and trips to the beach to swim, play and collect seashells.
Whenever I attempt to 'move on' I feel guilty - as though I am trying to replace mum's memory.
More & more nightmares, and as a result I am now afraid to go to bed. I usually put the toddler to bed & I will either go straight downstairs or if I fall asleep on the bed I will wake up within two hours and then end up going downstairs because I just can't sleep. Most nights I will eventually fall asleep & then I often don't dream at all, thank goodness - perhaps I'm too tired to dream on those nights? I am incredibly tired all the time, and it's making everything more difficult. I feel like quitting work, but in a way it helps to keep me going.
Mum's birthday was last month. My sisters didn't come to the cemetry for various reasons, so I was there alone. It was good to clean the grave and arrange the flowers. I just felt so very alone - like a lost child. Thinking about it, it would have been better to have somebody there with me, to hold my hand, to lay my head on. They could have said "It's ok, I'm here for you". I want to visit frequently, but not alone. I didn't expect all my sisters to avoid going - one or two maybe, but nobody showed up. I just assumed all the sisters would band together after mum's death, but perhaps not. Being the youngest in the family I have not been looked after or looked out for by the others, as they either left home early or were simply not the nurturing type. Now that we are all well into adulthood it looks like that is not going to change.
So I have this hole in my life. In attempting to fill it I feel that I'm betraying my mother and her memory. Is it possible to leave the hole there - to simply accept it as a sad and painful part of my life? Perhaps it might consume me, like one of those black holes in space. Maybe it will close over and form scar tissue; stronger than before... a trophy scar, or a memorial tattoo stitched forever in my heart.
