Hi everybody,
Some people have asked for the full story, and I'll do it as soon as I feel up to it. This isn't it. Should be watching cricket, but they let me down. We won, really quickly. Vale, West Indies.
18 days since Ray died, and I have only just cried. Buckets. No, really, it's true. I haven't been able to shed more than a couple of tears at a time. People are trying to be helpful but they say "Don't cry", so I don't, but I need to ....
After Ray died I had one day - then my brother, the pocket rocket, came - went away for 2 days, which I had to use to make Ray's [used to be ours] bedroom okay - then came back for 6 days. Terrific, really - got Ray's car going & pristine, threw all the junk out of Ray's shed [I have to deal with that now], chainsawed the dead branches from my peach tree, mowed, gurneyed the house, fixed the taps - did all the maintenance that Ray hadn't done for the last year.
So I cleaned, chopped 3 bins of green waste [thanks to the neighbours for the bins], went to work etc. Today I washed the dishes - no point in doing it for a few things - and I had to put back the steamer, which my brother had got down. On the top shelf in the pantry. I had to climb up to the the top step of the stepladder to put it back. When I was up there it hit me - I've never been up here before. Why? I'm scared of heights. I get dizzy on the edge of the pavement. Ray would never let me climb up here. Revelation. So I stood on the ladder, hanging onto the shelves, and wept. For ages. Which was good, I think. Then I managed to get down. At least I got some weeping done, but I won't be going anywhere from now on without the mobile in my pocket. [Really thought I'd done with that when Ray left].
It was only a 2 step ladder, just a little thing. We have 14 foot ceilings in our house, though, and now that I look around I can see so much that I could never reach. All of the light globes, smoke alarms, curtains. All Ray's jobs.
I saw it happen, but I still can't believe he isn't coming back. Love is.
Lynne
