June 2013
I'm two weeks yesterday from my husband's death. The grief is so hard to predict or understand. I'm ok but I'm not really. I'm strong and yet I find some days almost impossible to get through. I don't know if its depression or extreme sadness. But as its been described somewhere else, it's like an illness. I try so hard to control it, but I'm fooling myself, it has me under its control.
Time, people say. Patience. I can't imagine what this time next year will be like but I'm looking forward to it getting here.
Thinking of you all,
Jo x
... View more
June 2013
What an awfully sad story, so young and so much to live for!
What you are about to go through will not compare to anything you have ever experienced but you will cope and you will be strong for your 'sister' and provide her with your love and admiration. She will teach you things too in these next months that will be invaluable to you.
My husband passed away 2 weeks ago, he had brain cancer, it's an awful one to have, it takes so much function away. To watch a man, so bright and so capable to be reduced to baby like beginnings was the hardest thing I could ever imagine experiencing. But, he showed me how to die. He taught me how to find peace and how to face that moment with strength and courage.
We all die. Not all us know how to when that time comes and these experiences are oh so special. I'm still in the depths of my grief but even still I know how lucky I was to be with him all the way to the end. The lessons he taught me along the way and how now I will live better for having had him in my life.
Stay strong, keep loving her and hold hr when she needs to be held. Cherish every bloody sec with her.
Good luck, you're both in my thoughts.
Jo x
... View more
June 2013
He was a very loving and generous husband.
Now that he is gone, all the hard work is over and I have time to reflect, it seems like an awful nightmare.
Jo
... View more
June 2013
Oh Min,
The grieving just keeps going, it's supposed to get better, it isn't. I'm back to work next Monday, 3 weeks on and I'm dreading it.
Maybe a snap back to reality of everyday life will help, who knows?
Thanks, I appreciate your kinds words.
Jo xx
... View more
June 2013
I feel your I pain. You are losing so much, how can you not feel self pity?
My husband suffered with this right till the end. I hated knowing how scared and angry he was when there was nothing I could do to take the fear away. He would shower when the fear became so palpable that he couldn't function somehow the water helped. He would also put his radio on with head phones to distract himself. In the final months I took him for acupuncture. He was a sceptic but when he realised it actually worked he looked forward to those sessions. He had an antidepressant drug as well, this helped a little with his mood.
One day, just weeks before he died, he threw this wobbly. He was stamping his feet and yelling, "it's so unfair, I have lost so much" I yelled back, "I know. What you have to deal with is awful and you are not alone. Look at what I am losing. The greatest love of my life. I am 45, I am too young to be a widow. I have so much life ahead of me and now I have to face it alone. And, that is after I will watch you take your final breath."
You are in my thoughts. Be strong.
... View more
At 7.55pm on June 3, With me, his son, mum and dad, sister and brother in law Brent passed away. It was a beautiful good-bye. We had been with him constantly from Saturday, me sleeping in his room overnight listening to his dying breath. I thought I would be scared I worried that I wouldn't be able to support him to the end, I surprised myself.
My love for him allowed me to hold him, kiss him and help him leave. Now even though I lived it and I watched it, I still can't believe that he isn't coming back. It's almost 2 weeks. I smile and laugh one minute, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Those last weeks were tough and I wished I could have made it Eire for him but I guess dying has to hard?
I will cherish the cerebral intimacy we had. I will miss his friendship, intellect, wit and total commitment to me and ours. I will remember him everyday forever. And, one day in the future, I will stop crying.......
... View more
Brent passed away last Monday, June 3 at 7.55pm. His mother, father, sister, brother in law, son and I were with him. It was a beautiful experience, he was peaceful, we played music and held him right till the end.
His service followed his death, it was beautiful, it capture the essence of him perfectly and we had well over 100 people there.
The disease is relentless. We know so little about it. Through my experience I would say this to those who are fighting it: focus on staying positive and live every minute as though its your last. As each change occurs, try not to despair but look for the next activity of enjoyment. Tell those who love you that you love them. Leave them notes, videos clips and discuss how you feel and how they feel as much as you can. The drugs can make this hard but make it your challenge, it's oh so important to those left behind.
Keep fighting, life is worth living no matter what!
Jo x
... View more
May 2013
Thank you....
Last night I smuggled two pizzas and a bottle of red in. We had a lovely time. He didn't speak but he ate pizza and drank his wine through a straw. Today, I found a spa in the hospital, I had it cleaned up and I gave my husband an hour long spa bath, he loved it. And, I enjoyed bathing him in the lamp lit room.
Afterwards, we had a becks beer and he drifted off to sleep.
Not all moments are shit,.
Jo
... View more
May 2013
What an awful thing for you to bare, you are too young. I am thinking of you and wishing you happy times to build memories for your children to share with their children. They will never forget you and the world is a better place for having you here.
Best wishes....
... View more
May 2013
Time is all we have. I live in a hospice bubble. If my husband smiles its like a major event. If he eats half his meal I'm happy. It's amazing how the little things become moments of joy when joy is so far from our every day lives.
I'm learning new parts of me that I never thought existed. My ability to cope with every change although this requires adjustment which usually involves lots of tears and sleepless nights. At the moment I wake ul at around 2am every morning with a panic attack. The anxiety is palpable. But, I find my strength again and I get on with the day at the hospice, feeding, changing him, bathing him, holding his hand and talking with him, about nothing.
He will be gone soon and all this will seem like a nightmare. But, I will be ok, eventually.........
... View more
