My journey through breast cancer

[glenys48woods]

The miidle of May 2010 I laid on my bed and decided to exam myself and found that I had a lump in my right breast. It was pyhsically hard when touched and I didn't like it so I visited my GP two days later. He sent me for a mammogram and a ultrasound. The first time before meeting the surgeon on the first appointment at the Northern Hospital in Victoria I was saying to myself I didn't have breast cancer and also said to myself "why I am here in this hospital?" I had to meet this surgeon and my specialist sent me for a byopsy. I was reluntant to go through with it, but if I didn't, there would have been trouble for me later on. There was a nurse there with me while having the byopsy holding her hand really tight. The very first one I had and the last one also. It was positive so I had to go through a screaming lumpectomy on the 4th of August 2010 having 7cm of hooked wire, 3 mommagrams, 4 enjections into my breast then I was ready for threatre for the motive to try and save my breast. I was eager to do it as I didn't mind going to threatre. Riding on the bed going through the hospital to threatre I was laughing saying to myself if I do this it will be OK. Then I felt that it was finished and all over. But no my specialist sent me for a MRI and found some more small bits of cancer on my right breast. What a disappointment for me as I strongly begged these doctors to leave my breast on my chest.

[Allicat]

Every morning when I have my shower I look in the mirror and I have one normal breast and one that is shaped a bit differently and has a long horizontal scar across it instead of a nipple. It used to bother me but it doesn't any more just because I've seen it so often that I'm used to it. This is what my body looks like now. Sometimes when I see things that remind me of a pair of breasts with nipples or there is actual discussion of nipples of the tv or something it makes me feel a bit creepy about my scar and missing nipple. But it doesn't make me really upset, just a bit unsettled. I think it is getting less. While I was in hospital after the mastectomy I watched an all-day Frasier marathon. So now when I see Frasier it makes me think of that. But it doesn't matter as I don't have bad memories associated with the hospital, it's just memories. At some point things that were a big deal become less of a big deal. They become something that happened in the past, not something that you have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. That was something I said to myself during chemo - "one day, this is going to be in the past". Maybe how you accept things is when you can start to think of them as part of your life, instead of something outside your life that you wish would go away. One of the things that happened to us in our lives was that we had cancer. But, we were lucky and we got better and more things happened in our lives afterwards. Is the memory of the actual surgery that you hate? Or the result? The lob-sided feeling sounds really annoying. I remember my plastic surgeon saying it was very important to get the weight of the implant right so the two sides were even. Is someone able to help you get the falsie fitted so that it feels better for you? When you have the falsie on and have your clothes on does it feel ok and look ok? My implant looks odd when I have no clothes on but when I am dressed it looks fine. It is important to be able to feel confident that it looks normal. On holiday I wore my two-piece bathers on the beach and didn't even think anything of it. Afterwards when I did think about it I was pleased. I probably sound really calm about the whole thing now and I was relatively calm even at the time but I also spent many hours at counselling before the mastectomy crying and crying and crying. At counselling this morning I was slightly weepy when we talked about the day I was diagnosed but I spent a lot of time smiling and laughing. I don't know if you have been to counselling but I find it very helpful (mostly - sometimes she accidentally upsets me). When I have bad negative thoughts in my head talking or writing about them gets them out.

[glenys48woods]

Hi Allicat, One thing it took to my attension is that you said that maybe how you accept things is when you can start to think of them as part of your life, instead of something outside your life that u wish would go away. That is right but how do I do this Allicat? I am angry about the 2 lots of surgery not the results as I am happy with my results. They are good results as noone would get 98% as I did. I am happy with this. I have to put up with a falsie, lob sided, flat, losing the weight in my bra then regaining it again as I haven't had a reconstruction. How do I stop hating this situation? All I want is my natural one back again without cancer and I know that won't happen - SAD. How do I accept the lobsidedness etc and what I have mentioned as it is 'annoying'. You are a darling Allicat. This is on my mind a lot of the week. Glenys xxx

[Allicat]

Hi Glenys I don't know how you accept it. I think time passing helps. Maybe a new hobby or something else to focus on would help. I started pottery a few months ago and I really like it. It is very calming and satisfying. I also like being with a new group of people who don't know I had cancer. With people who have known me longer I tend to feel as if they constantly think of my cancer when they talk to me but I am gradually realising that they don't. To me it was a huge life-changing thing but to them I seem just the same as before. Sometimes this is irritating but I think it helps me to think of myself as a normal person instead of a cancer survivor. Best Wishes Allicat

[Allicat]

Hi Glenys, Just thought I should mention I am on anti-depressants which presumably help my mood. I have been on them since last December. I would like to try to get off them in the next few months but have to be careful not to stop suddenly. Also, I was recommended to a website by another user here which is about learning to think more positively. I found it very helpful. www.moodgym.anu.edu.au Best Wishes Allicat

[glenys48woods]

Hi Allicat, I think it is a great idea to get into something else to help with our emotions. I want to get into swimming as I did that 3 times a week beforehand for 2 hours at a time. I enjoyed it too as it made me feel great afterwards. Thanks for helping me out. Glenys.