Well......I've had my check up with the oncologist..........
What was I expecting .......I don't really know ....this was my first visit after finishing treatment. It was over so quickly ..for the last few weeks I have been noting down all these questions which I thought were so relevant and I wanted him to see me looking so much better and saying sensible things. I felt like I was full of tension and my mind was all fogged up again.....I didn't end up asking half the things I wanted to - my carefully rehearsed consultation was over and I felt empty....at a loss.....'See you again in six months because you're seeing the surgeon in March.' That's three long months away....What do I do now....I feel as negative and vulnerable as I did when they told me 'It's Cancer'. The tears are flowing and I can't seem to stop....Why....? All the old questions ...why is this happening ...what did I do wrong....I don't want this, I can't bear this, deal with this, live with this..........I am screaming again on the inside and it really hurts.......
It's Christmas next week and I don't feel very festive but I have to smile.
He told me it is now just a waiting game as it is for most cancer patients......that is not enough ...I wanted to hear something else, but what ....I don't even know or I can't really say it out loud.
My brain is all messed up right now and I don't know what to do ...there is noone to talk to .....noone who understands....or who wants to hear that I am not thinking clearly or that I am once again feeling that horrible fear in the pit of my stomach. I thought I was coping....I want to wake up tomorrow and this last eight and a half months will have just been a really bad dream.
I asked him when will I feel strong again, when will I stop physically hurting, when will the scary thoughts stop. He said it is quite possible you will never feel the same physically and certainly not mentally. I was in denial - I thought I would one day feel good again... me again........I wished for this so much...and I feel as if this little bit of hope has been taken from me....I wanted to feel good after today.......
Willow
