Reposted :) Feeling sad and alone wish I could do ...

[PrayingToBeAnsw]

Reposting my story From the 17/2 Really not sure how to feel. Dad was supposedly cleared of cancer couple of weeks ago and now its back and taken over his whole body I hate this he never drank or smoked or anything. He doesn't want to see me hes been in hospital for a few weeks now Mum says his body has swallen up and hes lost control of his bodily functions. He doesnt want me to see him like that and he is still in shock with his current diagnosis which basically is you can try chemo again but your not going to make it. Mum has pretty much been convinced since the begining that she did this to him because they had a rough marriage and they argued a lot its been really tough because she calls everyday saying how guilty she feels that this is all because of her and that he is so strong trying to carry on and she is so evil. Ive tried over and over to explain to her that logically its impossible and that these things happen and that she needs help ive called people and given her numbers but nothing helps. My brother is coming back from overseas he has a girlfriend who basically tries to do anything to keep him away from the family its so frustrating because he does everything she says and my dad is dying we need my brother around. The only reason he went on the stupid trip WHILE HE WAS SICK is because of her. We are not close we lived two different lives and he did everything by the book and I didn’t. He wont really talk about anything with me. I feel like i'm losing them all in different ways its really hard and I miss my dad I havnt been able to see him since December because hes been in and out of hospital and only wants to see my mum because she has seen him in all his states. I'm scared dad is going to die without me having a chance to say goodbye everyone is in denial. I feel so numb I want to cry everything makes me sad but then I cant. I'm trying to stay strong for everyone. It's really hard I have my daughters birthday this week and my engagement party next week but at the moment I cant be bothered with anything it all seems to be falling apart. I feel really alone I'm still going to counseling but I feel alone. My man is really good to me and listens but I still feel alone. My parents have such hard lives horrible lives where they were treated terribly and I feel so bad for them that they have experienced almost no joy and no self confidence and never fulfilled their dreams. My dads dream was to travel and they were going to finally after his first diagnosis then it went from good to horribly bad. I just want to see him and give him a hug I wont say anything about it because he is still in shock and still taking it in I will just let him know that I'm here and I love him. I feel like a bad mum pretending to be happy all the time but my daughter she really does make me happy I'm just struggling to be upbeat and myself. I really dont know what to do ... 19/2 Feeling so sad I miss my parents like crazy I want to be there I want to tell them how much I love them. I miss my dad. His kidneys are failing and he had a blood transfusion today. He is sad and angry and both my parents are yelling at the dotors at one stage his main doctor walked out and never came back. So much for duty of care??? Apparently the staff have been really nasty and I feel so bad for my parents the doctors see this everyday they should be more understanding but I know its just their job and they become like robots and are immune to emotion. My engagement party is coming up next week Ive gained a lot of weight from moping around. I feel so distant from everything and numb one minute and the next I just want to fall apart and cry. Im hurting so bad inside and I feel selfish for that but I know I could at least make my dad smile if he would just let me see him. I bought him lots of little gifts to keep in his room I might just give them to a nurse he likes little cute things. I cant imagine him not being here anymore it scares the hell out of me. My almost three year old (turns 3 tomorrow yay) wont understand that hes not here anymore. She has healed the rift between me and my dad and bought us so much closer. .............................................................. 21st THIS WEEK HAS BEEN AWFUL!! My dads best friend who is like a second dad has been staying in the room next to him and is about to pass away. Mum asked if she should tell him that he will pass in the next day or two I said no because hes just been really sick barely able to make it through himself I just thought at least give him a day of peace you know? Hes been bleeding from everywhere and vomiting and just feeling darn awful. Today he was meant to see his doctor for results so far the chemo hasnt been working and most of it isnt agreeing with him. Mum said I could visit dad but I have a really low immune system unfortunately Im really sick today and Im so angry at myself!!!! Im scared too because he doesnt want me to see him but I dont want to miss out and I can tell mum is worried I will miss out especially since today was the ONLY day mum ever said I could come down. We were really close before he got sick and I want to be his strongest support in our family I know im the one that can hold it together the most and be there. When i was young mum had a break down I was only five but ive been trying to support her since and she knows im always here to support her and be honest with her. This has just been so draining for all of us especially since she is totally convinced she caused this to happen. I cant imagine the guilt that she is living with everyday while just being around my dad non stop its really sad its no life for either of them. I feel so sad that both my parents will leave this world unfulfilled and sad. So far ive just been supporting mum as much as I can and texting dad all the stuff im doing daily with no reply. When he was first diagnosed i was a little crazy and emailed him about how much i love him and hurt id be if he died and that hed miss out on me having more kids or walking me down the isle I totally regret that now I feel guilty because its not me to be like that I just didnt know how much time he had or what was going on. I wouldnt ever do it again I understand the impact I had now and how scared he was already it was a big mistake. Since then ive made it my job to never mention it and only make him smile or laugh or think about the good times its hard though. I wish i could talk to my brother 😞 hes taken an early flight home from his trip with his girlfriend. Engagement party is this week not looking forward to it anymore Im so prepared and broke! Bubz birthday was nice it was just the three of us at home Anyway ive written heaps time to take my fingers off the keybaord

[diannep52]

Hi PrayingToBeAnswered My god, what a shit time you are having. This horrible disease seems to bring out the worst in some people, because it hits you like a ton of bricks, and no one has time to get used to the idea of what is happening to their bodies or their family. The speed with which this disease attacks is unforgiving! Please dont feel quilty about anything you have done or said. It is just your coping mechanism kicking in, and your way of dealing with the situation, which is always going to be different to other people. If we were all the same, and had the same reactions, emotions, etc - the world would be a very boring place! If you want to visit your dad, then I would suggest that you go ahead and do it. Dont tell him or your mum that you are coming - just do it. This way they will have no time to prepare any exuses as to why you shouldnt come and I think, once your dad gets over the initial shock of you turning up, he will be so glad to see you. If you have always had a good relationship with your dad before his illness, then he will be so glad to see you now when he needs your support the most. If you dont visit him, before he dies, then you will never forgive yourself. Better to put up with a few angry words from him now, than go through the rest of your life wishing you had seen him. There are a lot of carers and even patients who dont want to know the truth, who hide from the facts, but if they only realised the precious time they are wasting with their family. Life can be so cruel. Dont EVER feel guilty about the happiness you feel for your daughter or 'your man'! This horrible disease should not be allowed to ruin the lives of our loved ones. I have always said that cancer is worse for the loved ones than it is for the patients. We (the patients) pass away and move onto a 'better place' (I hope), but it is the carers and family, loved ones, who are left behind to deal with everything - the guilt, the loneliness, the unhappiness. Please enjoy what time you have left with your dad, BUT also enjoy your life as well, as it is your life that will go on after dad passes. Enjoy your engagement party, which means the beginning of your life with your man. But please, go and see your dad before it is too late - you wont regret it and neither will he. Sending big hugs to you - hopefully everything will settle down soon. Take care Di 🙂

[PrayingToBeAnsw]

Di thanks so much for your post its made me feel a lot better and more positive. I hope you are feeling better!! Thanks heaps I think i needed for someone to tell me its ok to go and see him i just dont want him to be angry at me 😕 but I know it will just be frustration and hed be so happy to see me and i would really regret not seeing him I hope you are here wayyyyyyyyyy long after ur illness so we can all celebrate with u 🙂 live life and go to a better place together one day!! Im trying not to feel guilty or bad but its a struggle especially since he was diagnosed mum was like u cant say this or that i kind of feel like if i cant say anything then who do I talk to? I have heaps of health problems but ive been feeling guilty about feeling crap when other people have it way worse and putting off surgery as it would be too much of a hastle to have me unwell as well just a burden!! Thanks I will try enjoy my engagement party and save you some cake hehe 😛 Hope I can get rid of this stupid flu before then and Ill try and visit dad. Party is saturday cant wait for it all to be over (too much time with the in laws jk)!! Lots of thankful and healing hugs 🙂 Wishing you an easy week Take care Di! Cant wait to hear about how cute the new bubba is hehe makes me clucky just thinking about Bailey!!

[diannep52]

Hi, I must say you 'sound' a little better in your last post than in your previous ones - I hope I was able to help you see that it is OK to see your dad, and it is OK to feel the way you have been. Some people try and hide from the truth and its sounds like your mum is one of those people (no disrespect to your mum), that is how they handle bad situations. My dear mum was someone who thought if she didnt know everything that was going on when dad was dying, then the bad stuff would go away and he would be ok. Unfortunately that didnt happen. Even though mum wouldnt talk about 'things' with dad - he died anyway - so her shielding dad from everything, didnt work. Please remember that no sick person has it 'way worse than anyone else'. If you are sick - then you are sick! Dont feel guilty that you think because your dad has cancer, then you cant feel like crap due to your own health problems. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE SICK AND YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL LIKE CRAP. I can understand why you are putting off surgery at the moment, but if it becomes a necessity, then you wouldnt be a burden on anyone. You said you have a great man in your life, and I'm sure he would look after you and support you. You probably have the flu due to all the stress you are under at the moment, our poor bodies can only take so much stress, as well as this stupid bloody weather (it is very cold here today - I have had the wood fire burning all day!!!). Hope the party goes well, love the bit about the inlaws!!! Its a shame you cant send me a piece of cake over the net, you will just have to eat a piece for me. You take care of yourself! Talk soon. All the best Di 🙂

[maddie86]

hey im so sorry to hear all of that! your poor dad 😞 its horrible i know cancer should just go f itself really! similar situation to you i must say.. my boyfriend has been battling cancer now for 8 months and his parents are always fighting, my friends dont talk to me coz they think im always ditching them and can never go out.. work is shitty because i take to much 'sick' leave.. cancer really does unfourtantly bring the worst out in people.. it sucks as for your brothers gf she should be more understanding and realize that your brother should be with his FATHER! Who is she to say that he cant? Family should always come first!!! keep hanging in there i know its hard.. especially when we see the ones we love the most suffering.. i always believe that things will get better, and that everyone has to go through a big struggle at some stage in their lives.. this just must be ours..

[PrayingToBeAnsw]

Hey guys thanks for all your messages and support I haven’t been online lately. Di I hope this week has been good to you any treatment this week or news?!! Have you seen bubba yet? Looking forward to hearing more! *sending lots of hugs* your way Di your right mum was definitely trying to act like it wasn’t real I think that was both there way of dealing with it if we don’t talk about it doesn’t exist and dad has always been a sort of keep it to himself guy. Mums always been overly emotional. There is now almost a less than one possibility he will survive so all of us will have to speak sometime! I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad too (just catching up from your other post :P) I know everyone deals with things in different ways but that must have been so hard on you I know people try to block out the pain but I don’t think its always better sometime its easier in the long run to take it head on that’s why in the beginning I wanted to know as much as I could and all the options while everyone else was just like ….we cant speak about this… Im trying not feel guilty about being sick but now its just plain pissing me off lol I am going to try my hardest to get rid of it. Im kind of scared too not sure what to expect its sounds stupid but I feel like am I only going to see my dads shell will he be all there will he be the dad I know or just empty?   maddie86 Friends who ditch you are not worth it who knows maybe through all this hardship you will find even better friends  and im sure you will! Personally ive only been on here a few weeks and I already know ive met people who have touched my heart in so many ways. I know its hard not having friends to talk to that’s why here is the perfect place to start for support and I think there are also support groups for younger people. Sometimes I feel like eh that’s not for me (im not young) but then I think it would be really nice to be around someone who knows what im going through. Its sad that your boyfriends parents are fighting but its probably really hard on them too Cancer is just soo vicious and your right it totally brings out the worst in people all your emotions just get so screwed!! Your definitely right about my bro but theres no stopping him he feels like he could never do as well as her again and she rules his life so its pretty sad! I love your hope so im going to hope with you for all of us here and the rest suffering lets hope we will find an answer. Ok so…updating The day of my engagement mum told me dad is getting worse his blood count was zero again and he had some more blood. He went back for chemo and the next day he caught a cold. He has two more treatments 3 weeks apart but they don’t think he will make it through both. He is so scared and so are we. I cant imagine him not being here I still haven’t had a chance to see him after I got the flu I got sick again Im hoping it will be gone by Wednesday so I can go see him its breaking my heart. Mum is feeling really disconnected from everything she said its like watching tv its not real I feel so sorry for her I know its going to hit her like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what The party was a bit of a disaster lol but I will write more about that later!! Im sort of at a point in my life where I think I need to reevaluate everything but Im scared what if I try to aim for something and I don’t finish because losing my dad will break my heart I will just fail again like normal so do I try? Or do I wait for him to pass and heal and try I am confused because Im just so scared for him and I cant imagine life without him.

[craftyone]

Hi, Just one comment, don't wait until you get rid of your flu, you may not see him if you do. I agree with Di, just go and see him without asking, you will regret it forever if you don't. Pity about your engagement, but hopefully your life with your fiance will transcend that. Your mother is just doing what she needs to do to cope. She will need you afterwards and you will need her, I know, I lost my mother years ago and then a close brother, it's not easy. I think that you should aim for something, not straight away, but later, and then nothing tooo big. We talk about taking little steps and I think that that applies to you as well. Get through the present first, and just "hang in" there. Enjoy your own family, little ones (I have heard) help make the future brighter and more enjoyable. Take care and make sure you post again, craftyone

[diannep52]

Hi, great to hear from you - 1/2 way through cycle 3 of chemo - so all is good. Going down to Melb tomorrow for a couple of days to see little Bailey (cant wait) - I'm sure she has grown a lot over the last couple of weeks. Might be offline for a couple of days - but I will 'fill you in' when I get back! haha It was very hard for me when dad died, but time does help to heal things. Now I remember him with such love and pride and remember what a great man he was (I'm biased of course). The saddest part for me is that dad never got to see any of his great g/kids. He adored children and he would have been so proud of all of them - but I think in some way he is looking down and seeing everything (I hope so anyway!) Please dont put off seeing your dad for too long, if he is going downhill. If you check with the hospital they may be able to give you a gown and a mask to wear whilst you visit dad, or even if you just pop in quickly to see him. Dont expect to see the dad you used to have, I'm sure he will have lost weight and look ill, but just remember, your dad is still the person he was, he may just look different, and he still loves you!!!! You know what? Dont be afraid to re-evaluate your life - do what you want to do! You will be devastated when your dad dies, there is no denying that, and it will take you a long time to recover from the sadness, but there does come a time when all you remember will be the good times. Dont be afraid to try something new, and if you do and you fail, then you just try again. Nobody will think any the worse of you - we all fail at things some times. If you do start 'something' and your poor dad passes away while you are doing it - then let dad's memory carry you through and just think how proud he would have been when you HAVE succeeded. We all think that our life will stop when our loved one passes, but it doesnt. It just goes on and somehow we pick ourselves up and treasure the memories we have - which no one can take away from us. No matter where you go - your dad will be with you, in your heart! Please let us know how the party went and enjoy your visit with dad. Take care Di 🙂 (hugs right back at you lolxx)

[diannep52]

Hi, sorry its taken me so long to reply, but there seems to be a problem with the site. I have the email from your last response to the post, but I cant find the thread anywhere on here. I am just going to take up where we left off and hope you can make sense of it. I'm sorry that your dad is going downhill so quickly, but I am so thrilled and happy that you are spending time with him. I'm sure that he is so happy to have your support. As for the dotors, well what can I say. Sometimes their bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired, but on the other hand, I suppose they have to distance themselves from the patients or they would spend their entire working day in tears. Your not alone when you say your partner can appear to not understand. My partner still doesnt get it - after 2 years! He sometimes gives me the impression that he is thinking 'so whats the big deal - your having chemo' - but because we look well on the outside people dont think we are sick. The same applies to you - because you get up and go about your daily business, people have no idea what you are going through emotionally and physically. But hey, dont worry about them, you can alway come on here and tell us whats happening. We will support you, always! Thanks for the kind words and the cyber hamper - it was wonderful, haha! I was going to try and post a photo of little Bailey, but I cant see how to do it, unless I make it my profile pic. I'm still trying to work it out. She is such a little cutie, cant wait to go back to Melb and see her again (and the other g/kids of course!). I dont want to leave it too long between visits cause babies grow so quickly!. Hope you had a great visit with your dad, cherish every moment you can. Take care. Talk soon Di (big hugs to you and dad!) xoxo

[PrayingToBeAnsw]

Went to see dad today good to see hes still here but losing it more and more each day. When hes lucid he says he doesn’t want to die its too early he hasn’t finished everything he wanted to do he has so many plans its breaking my heart. When hes not he says the same thing but metaphorically. Mum keeps apologising saying things would have been different if she treated him better and made a better relationship. The only way I can manage everything is to detach myself and be there for them its hard watching him deteriorate a loving intelligent. Yesterday a few of his friends wanted photos with dad it made me feel so strange, why now why not remember him the way he was. He is still worrying about everyone else and he thanks everyone that comes to see him. Cancer is so unfair what a vicious degrading illness. Thanks Di yeah im so glad ive had this time with him and its amazing for me knowing that he knows im here with him. Its hard seeing him go so fast such an intelligent man a uni teacher with lots of degrees the most intelligent person ive ever met whos mind is becoming slush someone who feels like they failed in life and that there life is being taken away from him. He keeps saying their trying to kill me cant they just stall it for a bit cant I have a bit more time ive got so much to do so many plans.. so many things I have to do for my family so many things I haven’t completed. He had such an awful awful life. Yeah I don’t know about the partners…your right we hold it together and although we are in completely different situations im sure we come across as cool and collected…just to handle to situation and perhaps make it easier for them I know personally even after surgery I do exactly the same thing it just makes everything..easier in a way but harder too internally. I really appreciate the support I feel like this is the only place im getting it right now and all from you  I feel bad about that  especially since your going through a really awful time. So glad you enjoyed the hamper wish it could have been a real one ..will post you my email hehe would love to see pics of bub!! How was melb? Im sooooo glad you got to see Bailey So strange my other post disappeared!!!

[diannep52]

Hi so glad you are having lots of time with your dad - even though its not nice to see him fading away, you will cherish this time with him after he has gone, and you will be so proud of the fact that you were there for him when he needed you! Even though he doesnt look the same - your 'real' dad is in there somewhere. I dont know if you are religious and really it doesnt matter if your not - but towards the end dad was in hospital for a complication (however,he died at home, as per his wish) but the Palliative care team had a lovely person go and visit my dad just to talk 'things through' with him (we are not religious, but my dad found this very comforting!). They talked about dad's fear of dying and of what it would be like 'when the time came'. How the doctors would make sure that he wasnt in any pain and how he would be surrounded by the people who loved him. These people are trained to deal with these situations and can often handle the conversations better than the family. I dont know if this would work for your dad, but maybe its worth thinking about. As for your dad saying he is a failure in life, just try to reassure him that you dont get to be a Uni teacher if you are a failure - you need brains and people skills to achieve that. Also, remind him that he certainly cant be a failure when he has such a beautiful, caring daughter. 🙂 Your poor mum!!!! Is she getting any counselling from anyone? She cant go on blaming herself for your dads illness!! Its just not logical. is it possible for a counsellor to talk with her at the hospital - she is just going to fall in one big heap if she doesnt get help soon. Please dont worry about me - I feel much better today. I think I was just on a bit of a downer - happens to us all....but we bounce back quickly. Plus I'm into the 'week off' from my chemo so that might help with the emotions too! I had a good time in Melb, but it is so hectic trying to visit everyone in a couple of days. Because my life in the country is so laid back, it is a shock when you get to suburbia - everyone is rushing everywhere. It is very tiring going from our house with only 2 people, to my daughters house where there are 7 (5 kids all talking at once!!!) - at least little Bailey didnt 'talk my ear off', haha. I need to come home and have a rest after my little holidays to Melb. Anyway, must go - my little Lilly (dog) wants cuddles - so I might go and have a nanny nap before tea with her. Talk soon. Take care. Di 🙂 ps: this post is a bit 'all over the place' due to the lost posts - anyone new reading this will wonder what the hell we are talking about. haha

[PrayingToBeAnsw]

Aww Di im so happy to have had you on this journey and it is continuing dad slipped into a coma last night and passed away this morning its been so fast and cruel 😞 but your messages have kept me sane and strong will write again soon xoxo much love have to go plan everything 😞 SOOOOOOO happy your feeling better!!! xoxo

[diannep52]

Hi, I'm so, so sorry to hear of your dad's passing. Thank for your taking the time to let me know. I'm so sad for you and your family that he has gone, but I am happy that he is now in a better place, with no more pain. Cherish the time that you had with him and remember even though he has gone, he will always be in your heart - no one can ever take that away from you. Sending big hugs your way and my thoughts are with you. Di 😞 xoxo