I went and visited with my Dad today. I have four children at home, so we all went over. He came out of his room and sat with us and I feel it was good for him, he was smiling and every one that he has is precious. I spent a little time with my Dad on my own, I wanted to ask him so many questions, mainly about how he was feeling, but he has never been easy to talk to about such things and even cancer cannot change him. I feel he has given up, accepting that there is nothing more to be done and now all he does is wait. I do understand that medically they say they can do nothing more, but I fear that hearing this has taken all hope from my Dad.
I am not in denial so much as I am scared that mind over matter in these things is a very powerful evil! Although if it was me in the same position, I don't know how I would react.
I still cannot process that he may not be here for much longer. I asked him if there was anything he wanted and he said there wasn't. The father I have always known is still there inwardly, but outwardly, he is gone and all that is left is a shell of his former self. He has never been a demonstrative man, but all I want to do is hug him, but that makes him uncomfortable and it can be painful. We have never been close as father and daughter but I wanted to make sure that I have always loved him, and not just now because he is sick. He said he knows, I just hope he does.
