Where Am I

[Delay]

My first round of chemo was so intense. First of all I sort of identify with the very idea of a nature boy, in tune with the mother herself. Oh I've enjoyed the early years of mind altering state of being and the likes. Probably helped me develop the character of what I am today. I used tobacco and cannabis enjoyed the mushroom world. And of course the liquid spirits of all sorts. But at the very heart of nature have always had a deep connection to the natural world.

Especially when eating healthy foods because not they were always delicious, but because I instinctively

knew these were essential and good for my well being. Out in the wilderness where I feel at home and so free. One would find me grazing on what ever the land had to offer.

 This being said. I steered away from processed foods and the ubiquitous junk food.

Pretty much my body has been free of harsh chemicals.

So... fast forward to this moment and thought. Chemo therapy. My first reaction to the introduction of that stuff to my body was, to say the least terrifying, mentally and physically.

And I knew from the beginning it would be that way. I had a sincere premonition that I would be intensely

sensitive to the chemo. And sure enough it was a rodeo I am totally unfamiliar with. We are not talking bulls or broncs. This was a beast from another planet.

Finally today I almost feel somewhat normal after a month long pause from the chemical.

I had to take time out and evaluate the reality of  how this works for me. Or at least try to understand the concept.

Mentally I had to embrace the idea that there are no guarantees that the chemo will improve my life as it endures the cancer. So I'm thinking wow. I'm not feeling well here. I'm sick and need help. I want the best of the best. The most brilliant of doctors and specialists. Well, I've got them in as much as anyone else. These people are informing me they are practicing with the latest information and documented TRIALS.

 So they have a play book from previously treated patients. And are applying so of the same prescriptions

to help my body fight off the radical cells trying to run my world from the biological sense.

My mind, body and soul took a serious hit from the introduction of the chemo. 

Yesterday I met with my PCP and discussed things going forward. I clearly pointed out that I can not fathom the idea of feeling or even getting sicker to feel better. I understand the theory, but with the know factor of no proof evidence of cure. That does not frame up with my feelings going forward.

So I said to the Dr. I might as well let this thing run its course and enjoy today, the now for what it is and prepare for the inevitable to follow. Imagining myself laid up near the end pushing the button to the morphine.

It is the realty of the matter for sure. However I do want to spend more time in this world and experience life to the fullest. Perhaps somehow do something worthwhile, contributing to my fellow beings a good measure of honest works to impact a life in a way positive and encouraging. So that the next oerson might carry the torch to the other.

The Dr. and I discussed the concept of low dose chemo. Previously I was scheduled to recieve treatment in 3 week intervals. Which meant I was getting a strong dose. The Dr, explained a weekly appt. would mean much lower dose and the idea being my body would not be drenched in chemo.

I'm goiung to give this a go with a positive outlook. Knowing that I will indeed feel the effects.

Though perhaps it will not be so intense. And perhaps this is the approach best suited for me.

I am hopeful.

And perhaps again will I discover I am, in the place, and time I should be.

Thank you for your thoughts and comments and the hearts of encouragement. I do hope my written expressions help and encourage you also. Nobody should endure this solo. Even though it is an attack on our most personal lives which we individually can truly understand from the inside looking out.