Why Am I Like This?

[loupylass]

I'd like to say thank you to those of you who commented on my first blog entry. It certainly does help to know that I can say what I feel and at least someone will understand where I am coming from but the question I ask myself is why do I sugar coat my fears to other people? We had some friends around on Sunday and one friend just sat to one side with me and asked me how I was feeling......oh...the bravado! oh the "I'm going to be fine" oh the...." well I am so lucky to not have it in my bones" when all I was feeling inside was that I didn't want the bloody disease AT ALL, that I was grief stricken, frightened, sad, hopeless and just a little angry. But no...I filled her with encouragement, didn't want to frighten her I suppose with just how bloody awful you feel mentally when diagnosed with cancer. I'm not particularly angry that I've got it, I haven't had the feeling of "why me" ...more the thought of "why NOT me" nothing makes me any more special than anyone else so I don't feel that I don't deserve this, because that would automatically make the assumption that someone else did and we all know that we definately would not wish this on our worst enemy. I've always been a planner....looking forward to the next thing. This has often times proved to be a curse rather than a blessing because I have tended to not finish things because I've already moved on to the next project. I love holidays and on the plane home from one holiday will start talking about where we will go for the next one...I've always needed something to look forward to. I feel at the moment that this has been taken from me and I don't know if I'll ever get that back and that really upsets me. I have done a lot of reading and soul searching about how to live my life one day at a time but I'm not mastering it quickly enough. At the moment I am receiving no treatment because they don't know what I've got really. I have had 5 weeks of neck radiotherapy and have recovered very well from it, the doc says if my next biopsies are malignant then I will get the treatment for myeloma which is thalidomide/steroids/chemo and I've heard they are pretty horrible but I refuse to google anything because everything about this is individual and I refuse to get myself frightened by stuff that isn't relevant to me. I feel well, I look well and that is what makes everything seem so sad. I'm likely to be given drugs that are going to make me feel dreadful with absolutely no historical evidence to say that they will work. I get through most days by not giving my health ANY thought at all, I bury my head in the sand, craft like crazy and watch so much tv that my brain has become addled anyway. I used to work but I was the only person in the office and felt it unfair to keep taking time off for doctors appointments in Perth so I resigned...I intend to go and do some voluntary work when I've got my diagnosis/treatment sorted but I'm flying to Perth every 10 days or so at the moment. I am having a tough day today, hence the rambling, crying..nay HOWLING in the shower this morning and yet when someone asks me how I am I smile and say "really good thanks" I want to talk to my doctor but it's a two week wait if I want to speak to him...I've made an appointment anyway. I'd like some drugs that just knock my brain out of action so I don't have a coherent thought at all. I take half a sleeping tablet at night which stops me from waking up in the middle of the night, cos that's when I get the screaming ab dabs! Crikey...this entry is all over the place isn't it? but I feel better for having put it "out there" because then it's no longer inside me. If you've read it..thanks...... I'm not as crazy as this sounds.