Young Carer of Young Mother with Breast Cancer. Looking ...

[mollywilkinson]

So this is my first post on this website. I am a 22 year old female living in South Gippsland, Victoria. My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in May of 2015. So far we have concurred chemotherapy and surgery (lumpectomy). Coming up next month is radiotherapy. Personally, I am struggling. I dont know how to cope anymore and deal with my mothers emotional roller coasters on a daily basis. I wake up not knowing whether she is going to be in a good mood or a bad mood. If im going to get yelled at or asked if we would like to have breakfast together or go for a drive. How I have been feeling on a daily basis recently is useless. I feel like nothing I do is good enough, nothing I say is good enough. There seems to always be a problem, even when there isn't one, she will find one. I feel as though if I polished the floors with a toothbrush, it still wouldn't be recognized or appreciated or once again, good enough. I am sick of feeling pathetic and useless and unwanted and unappreciated and stupid and worthless. How do I get my mother back? I miss my best friend. I don't know who this person in my mothers body is, its horrible and scary. There is ALOT more to this story, this is just dot points. I didn't want to scare anyone off if I wrote a novel. Anyone out there who thinks they can help me or just be a good listener, I would appreciate it more than you will ever know.

[LimeGreen_14]

When I was on chemo I became very snappy because I felt sick and just wanted to be left alone. I even snapped at my parents over little things like offering me something from the hospital bakery. Looking back i feel bad and regret it. But when i look at the pressure of the whole scenario I give myself a little slack and they know I didnt mean it. So my advice is, your mum doesn't mean it and she needs you to stick by her and understand because inside she is very greatful and she will thankyou later on. Your support is more important than you realise 🙂 But you could talk to her about it because she may not realise she is like this towards you.

[GHT]

Molly It sounds like you are having a pretty tough time. I feel for your situation as a young person. Your experience is just as valid as your mum's in terms of emotional distress. Maybe you could talk to your mum as Lime Green suggests. Also you could try contacting kidshelponline which offers online counselling and phone too for ppl 5-25 yrs old. I hope you get time out with friends. Carers need time out to de-stress and have some fun. Feel free to keep talking on this site. As a carer in the past and having cancer last yr I know both sides have their own burdens. Best wishes GHT

[mollywilkinson]

Mum is becoming very controlling and im finding it impossible to leave the house without an argument or her being unhappy about it. I feel trapped. When I try and explain to her how Im feeling about things it either ends in an argument or she turns it around to make me feel guilty for wanting to do something. In the last few days its gotten to the point where my Sister and I are wanting to move out because it is becoming emotionally impossible to live with her. Ive asked her to PLEASE go and talk to someone and try and get herself back to who she used to be but she refuses. Im running out of options on how to help her and as much as I do not want to move out and away from my Mum in a time where she needs her family, it is starting to look like the last and final option. I myself am becoming mentally sick. With already a history of depression and anxiety, I am not coping mentally with any of this. Ive had 5 anxiety/panic attacks in the last 2 months, and this is the first time in 22 years of my living that ive ever had them. I dont know what to do or how to fix this situation so that everyone is happy and we can all live together like we always have.

[mollywilkinson]

Mum is becoming very controlling and im finding it impossible to leave the house without an argument or her being unhappy about it. I feel trapped. When I try and explain to her how Im feeling about things it either ends in an argument or she turns it around to make me feel guilty for wanting to do something. In the last few days its gotten to the point where my Sister and I are wanting to move out because it is becoming emotionally impossible to live with her. Ive asked her to PLEASE go and talk to someone and try and get herself back to who she used to be but she refuses. Im running out of options on how to help her and as much as I do not want to move out and away from my Mum in a time where she needs her family, it is starting to look like the last and final option. I myself am becoming mentally sick. With already a history of depression and anxiety, I am not coping mentally with any of this. Ive had 5 anxiety/panic attacks in the last 2 months, and this is the first time in 22 years of my living that ive ever had them. I dont know what to do or how to fix this situation so that everyone is happy and we can all live together like we always have.

[mollywilkinson]

Mum is becoming very controlling and im finding it impossible to leave the house without an argument or her being unhappy about it. I feel trapped. When I try and explain to her how Im feeling about things it either ends in an argument or she turns it around to make me feel guilty for wanting to do something. In the last few days its gotten to the point where my Sister and I are wanting to move out because it is becoming emotionally impossible to live with her. Ive asked her to PLEASE go and talk to someone and try and get herself back to who she used to be but she refuses. Im running out of options on how to help her and as much as I do not want to move out and away from my Mum in a time where she needs her family, it is starting to look like the last and final option. I myself am becoming mentally sick. With already a history of depression and anxiety, I am not coping mentally with any of this. Ive had 5 anxiety/panic attacks in the last 2 months, and this is the first time in 22 years of my living that ive ever had them. I dont know what to do or how to fix this situation so that everyone is happy and we can all live together like we always have.

[ivana]

maybe its time for some respite for mum and or you. If you ring the cancer hotline they have free holidays available through OTIS a break may be what you need. Do you have a good gp and physiologist.. its so important to be able to just dump all your problems on someone else and walk out the door knowing you will not be judged. does mum have a health care professional she clicks with? Sometimes a family meeting with a good GP or your breast care nurse can bring out everything. Its a mother/ daughter thing to try to protect each other..just find the right person for you both. maybe mum will enjoy some time by herself. good luck.hang in there and look after yourself.. Its often the carer who cracks first.

[Ms_Anticipatory]

Hi Young Carer, I'd like to think I too am a young carer but I'm 42. Although in my Mum's eyes I may as well be 12. I want to be the good listener for you. How are you going at the moment? How do you vent or get away from all the misery? My Mum has terminal cancer (mesothelioma). They said she has 8 months to live 2 years ago. We planned everything for her death. And by we I mean Mum and I. My brother is useless (in complete denial). We have gone so far as to pick the outfit she will wear in the coffin. There are days she's so nice, and others when she's awful. But, as you can imagine, I bite my tongue and try to enjoy every moment I have with her. It's been a very long time I've been walking on egg shells. I am the Mum of 2 beautiful boys and have a young husband too. I live 40 minutes from Mum but see her almost 4 times a week and sleep over once a week too. Guilt is something that I have learned to live with on an hourly basis. If it weren't for my beautiful Palliative Care Grief Councillor I would be more of a mess than I am. But that's enough about me. Tell me about you.

[nello]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Have you come across Canteen? They provide wonderful support for young people who have a family member with cancer (or have cancer themselves). https://www.canteen.org.au/my-parent-has-cancer/ I hope things improve. Xx

[nello]

Hey Molly, I hope things with your Mum have improved since you posted this. Have you come across Canteen? They are an organisation which provides support to young people who are affected by cancer - as a patient, a relative or friend of someone with cancer. Check them out if you haven't already. Best wishes xx