19/4/2009 Awareness blinks twice then rubs bleary eyes. I remember where I am. Back in this country, in this life I ran away from all those years ago. I want to cry but the energy it takes to sit up and get dressed Has stripped me of the ability to do anything but Sit on the edge of my bed and stare at the wall. Lucidity takes an hour to arrive and only the Whiteboard with directives for the month Tells me today is a day filled with study. Recent routines remind me to open blinds, Turn on the radio and get a banana and juice for breakfast. The sun is shining outside but I am not. I don’t want to be here My life is out of my control, my grip has loosened and I don’t know how to get it back And only shadows shall remain.
2 Comments
Frequent Contributor
I am moved by the feeling you have created in this piece. It's unsettling, but not in a uncomfortable way. It's appealing, but challenging. I've noticed that shadows appear in some other pieces of yours, too. I wonder: Did writing it give you back some control? Did writing it enable you to take a better grip? You don't have to reply. I really like it. H
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Occasional Contributor
Hi Hugh, interesting questions, did writing give me back some control? Probably, though not the kind of control I want or need. When I write it is often a cathartic exercise - a diary of sorts, but more specific and less juvenile. I like words and I like being able to manipulate them and make them do what I want, so I suppose there is an element of control there. You said something about shadows too - I feel like my medical history has cast a large shadow over my life for sure, but occassionally I can write about other things, like my one about the art teacher with the fat wife and delinquent son. As I am posting these on a "cancer site" I was trying to stick to relevant pieces. Anyway, thanks for your comment, hope you have a good day.
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