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been talking to myself forever

maddie86
December 2012
its been nearly 3 weeks, since my new husband has passed away... it has been nearly 1 month and 3 weeks since we married... what the hell is this? i wake up some days ok.. today i went for a swim was motivated.. then tortured myself with his voice messages, photos and videos of us overseas.. he died just after his 25th birthday... he'l be 25 forever and i'll get old without him... how is that fair? i thought we were already on this cancer rollercoaster and now i want off.. i thought i was done and now im on a new one... the actual grief one and it sucks! its 1.30am and im wide awake... i just keep going over in my head everything about him, the way he proposed, the way he looked at me at the alter, the way he muttered stuff as he was dying, his face as he died... all in one year! its to crazy and im tired of it i just wish i could be normal and boring just for once....
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4 Comments
harker
Frequent Contributor
December 2012
Maybe it's okay to talk to yourself? Call it prayer and see what happens. Why would you do anything other than say what it's like? H
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maddie86
Contributor
December 2012
i feel as if he's shot straight up to heaven... which i knew he would he isnt a 'hanging around' kind of spirit... i dont feel him and i dont feel his presense... i even saw someone who said there wasnt a spirit around me... im glad he's no longer suffering but now i am 😞 but it does help to chat to whoever is listening... i just hope he can hear me when i need it
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netty
Occasional Contributor
December 2012
Can hear you my friend but haven't been to "that otherside" yet..can hear your pain but at this stage can only visualize the pain whilst still living..when hubby dies don't want to imagine the new greif. ATM having breakdowns with friends who don't understand, and got quite offended when he abused them for coming quite late one night (fair enough). I feel like telling everyone to just go away right now and give us all a break..they may mean well but I feel smothered and need a break... This friend is close so if she takes it personally maybe she is not meant to be in my life anyway....hating everyday at present, can't imagine being a newly wed and loose your loved one so fast...so awful words cannot comfort you. xxxx
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maddie86
Contributor
December 2012
oh no you poor thing 😞 yeah i dont get people sometimes not one bit... i find now that people are 'over it' hearing me go on and on about him.. its like just because he was so ill for so long doesnt mean im over him! its like they are over hearing my story... im not. Grief is another thing.. living with cancer is shit to! they are both so horrible i dont know which one is worse... if it makes you feel any better the only good thing i think now is 'omg.. no more apointments, scans, waiting, thinking, wishing, hoping....'.. because there isnt that cancer cloud over my head right now.. now i can finally focus on one thing... xo
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