feeling confused and helpless

[GeeGee]

My boyfriend has quit quitting, he is smoking again, I am so worried, he has developed a cough and sniffles a lot, I think its because he is smoking again but cannot say anything to him because he snaps my head off every time I try to say anything to him about it. He seems to think because the cancer removed from his lung turned out to be melanoma that smoking is ok and he has to stay out of the sun and all will be well. How can anyone think it is ok to smoke. Not sure if it was right or wrong but I told his mother he has stopped using his patches and is still smoking and never really stopped the whole time. She wasn't surprised and said she will try and talk to him about it. Now I worry he will be angry at me if he finds out I said something. We are still waiting to get an appointment to see the melanoma clinic, it has been weeks and I said to him this morning that he should ring and see if he can find out when he will get an appointment. I hope he does but very much doubt he will. On a happier note its poker night again this Saturday night, the family get together monthly and dress up and play poker, its nice to have a bit of fun so hope it isn't to cold.

[kasianne]

Having been a smoker myself I can understand why he continues to smoke and it is difficult to comprehend when we know how much damage it causes. I did give up within a couple of weeks after being diagnosed but then I was told by my doctor that my chances of survival increased if I gave up and also that they would have serious concerns about surgery if I didn't and that was my hope to get rid of this disease. I had esophageal cancer and I had reached the stage where I could no longer keep food or very little drink down and felt like I had lost control of my body and continuing to smoke was like the only thing I could continue to control but did make a conscious effort to cut right down and after a week or so I stopped. In a way I was lucky as they say that the hardest bit about giving up is the routine stuff like having a coffee and cigarette, having dinner then a smoke afterwards but I had lost all the routine stuff due to my cancer so it made it easier. But once I started eating again then the routines re-established themselves and it was amazing that although I had not smoked for around 6 weeks at this point I still automatically thought about having a smoke after food, I would get in the car reverse off the drive and then remember I no longer smoked. Luckily I knew that my addiction was now purely psychological and not a physical addiction so it was easier not to give into temptation. The more people nag and try to tell you to give up the more you feel you want to continue. Maybe suggest that he just cuts down rather than give up but most smokers enjoy their smoke and when in stressful situations it is your way to take a back seat for 5 minutes. It is hard to understand and I had tried to give up numerous times with the help of patches, gum etc. over many years and when it came to the crunch I knew what I had to do and gave up cold turkey. I do feel that if I had been told may cancer was terminal I would probably have continued to smoke but being told that stopping would make all the difference to my treatment and its outcome is what pushed me to give up. Hope he gets his appointment and maybe what you find out there will make all the difference to his attitude towards the smokes and enjoy your poker night.

[GeeGee]

Thank you kasianne. Yes I understand about smoking as I was a smoker for a time. I don't nag him and don't intent to start, I just want him to talk to me about it and not try to hide the fact he is still smoking. He knows he will be better off without smoking and was told that some doctors refuse to treat people who continue to smoke but yet he still smokes, this is what I don't understand. Why stop trying to quit and why try to do it on your own when you have loving people around you that understand and are wanting to help. It just hurts that he keeps to himself. I love him and want him around. Smoking is only going to take him from me quicker than if he was to stop. Thanks we will enjoy our poker night we always do.

[purpleangels]

Hey GeeGee! My husband smoked for about the last year of his cancer journey.....it used to drive me mental....but it was the only thing within his control....even though it made him violently physically ill he could not give it up....his body had failed him, so he felt that he could somehow control something that went on in his body....I guess I learned that begging, pleading, cajoling, ignoring, the silent treatment, hiding cigarettes, withholding money.....it all did not work. I just had to love him warts and all....... We can't do anything about making someone give up....unless they truly want to do it themselves....... It is so hard to stand by when you know it is part of the problem/ making the problem worse..... Hang in there......it is a tough journey........I've been there!! PA

[GeeGee]

Thanks PA I have decided to just love him warts and all, it is hard at time and I struggle with it but he says he does want to quit so I will wait till he is ready to try again. The most important thing for me to do is be there for him no mater what and that's what I am doing.