Try as I might to only think about the lovely happy memories and my beautiful 31 years with my mum, unwanted thoughts keep creeping into my head that are making me feel extra sad, and even a bit guilty, which, rationally, I know isn't warranted.. For some reason my mind is going to certain times, before she got sick, when I might've been in a bad mood and not as nice to Mum as I could've been.. or times when I should have done something with her but didn't.. and also thinking about heartbreakingly sad times with her in hospital when she got sick, and I felt so helpless and just hated seeing her go through that. Funny thing is if Mum knew I was thinking these thoughts she'd tell me not to be silly and that I was the most loving, thoughtful daughter she could imagine, which I do know is mostly true. I just hate this horrible empty feeling I have all the time now.. I used to feel so safe knowing Mum was here, and there for me at any time, and now that I don't have that ... I don't know what to do.
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