September 2010
Thank you. 🙂 The feelings of regret are now not as strong, I just miss her so so much, and all the little nuances in our relationship that I know I'll never be able to replicate with anyone. Seeing all her things and going to see Dad now is so bittersweet - good to feel close to her but incredibly sad that I can't be with her anymore.
Thanks everyone for your lovely words of support, they really do help. It's great that this forum exists, as I feel that, now that a couple of months have passed, some friends think I'm okay and don't show as much concern as in the first few weeks. Have found that a little surprising in a few cases. I also think a lot of people don't want to talk about Mum as they think it'll upset me - but I want to talk about her and remember her, not pretend everything's fine.. She was such a huge part of my life and still is.
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August 2010
Hi Zen, thank you so much for your message, it made me feel a little better. Yes, that's true, I do feel like Mum's still here so close to me - we were incredibly close all the time and I can't let go of that feeling now. It just suddenly hits me sometimes that she's not here to talk to and be with when I need her and won't be, and that is the scary part.. Those are true words by Lewis. I think what will get me through life without her, as you're doing, is imagining what she would say or do in every situation and be guided by her. She was the most loving, wise, thoughtful, funny person I've ever met and I can only hope to be a little like her.
Thanks for your lovely words again and I hope the days continue to be mostly bright for you.
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July 2010
Try as I might to only think about the lovely happy memories and my beautiful 31 years with my mum, unwanted thoughts keep creeping into my head that are making me feel extra sad, and even a bit guilty, which, rationally, I know isn't warranted.. For some reason my mind is going to certain times, before she got sick, when I might've been in a bad mood and not as nice to Mum as I could've been.. or times when I should have done something with her but didn't.. and also thinking about heartbreakingly sad times with her in hospital when she got sick, and I felt so helpless and just hated seeing her go through that. Funny thing is if Mum knew I was thinking these thoughts she'd tell me not to be silly and that I was the most loving, thoughtful daughter she could imagine, which I do know is mostly true.
I just hate this horrible empty feeling I have all the time now.. I used to feel so safe knowing Mum was here, and there for me at any time, and now that I don't have that ... I don't know what to do.
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July 2010
Hi Philrad
I can understand how you feel - my mum just passed away of ovarian cancer last week. It's good that you got to spend some time together at home. My mum's decline was so quick, only a matter of weeks since diagnosis, so I'm having a hard time accepting even the fact that she got sick at all let alone died.. I too was so confident that she'd get through it - I think I had to be in order to just survive. I am just trying to get through each day, and I know Mum would've wanted me to be positive and try to get on with life. I hope you are finding comfort in family, friends and loving and lasting memories of your wife.
Bella
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