well the results came back today and to be polite all i can say is oh shit.
to sum it up
metastatic adenocarinoma of the pancreas which has spread to the liver.
prognosis 6 - 12 months
it all seemed rather surreal having someone tell you that you probably wont see christmas of 2012 and that there really is not much of a treatment available for you. at best, i was told, they could do something to help prolong what is ultimately inevitable.
it doesn't really seem fair to me at the moment and i know that it doesn't seem fair to my wife. if it hadn't been for something that was diagnosed as a stomach ulcer and then a slight lump noticed a few weeks later, i wouldn't know that i only have a slim (at best) chance of survival. i still feel fit and healthy and have no symptoms. according to the oncologist this is normal with pancreatic cancer and its often not until its too late that a diagnosis is made. kind of sucks really.
so, what to do now. i am convincing myself that while there is a slim chance, there is still a chance. while there is a chance there is always hope. life must go on. i still need to do my job (i am a music teacher in a secondary school). i still need to try to corrupt the minds of the young and the innocent by telling them bad jokes and providing them with information that will challenge their way of thinking. one step at a time is the best way. tomorrow is always a new day and with each new days there is always a new hope. at the very least, i now will cherish every day that i have, because every day is important.
i think the biggest thing is that i am now worrying about everyone else in my life. my wife, my parents, my brothers and sisters, my work colleagues,the kids i teach, my small group of friends. i don't really want them to suffer as they hear the news and then see me as i go through the treatment. it doesn't really seem fair on them. it's not their fault.
the treatment. i sign up for a trial treatment tomorrow.ABI007 plus Gemcitabine. it's a random trial so their is no guarantee that i will get both drugs to start with. apparently as the treatment progresses i will.
so what else to say? life sucks? it isn't fair? why me? i'm sure that we have all asked ourselves those same questions. ultimately i think that there isn't anything that can be said other than a quote from lewis carrol.
"i cant explain myself...because i am not myself"
take care and remember that while there is a chance there is still hope.
tim
