It changes all the time, even after years. Some days it's a crystal clear view I have of my life. Other days it's as foggy as the road to hell. I'm getting used to the variation and seem to have found a way of living with however it is when i wake up. Mostly, that is. I have lots of support which I am pleased abouot. But the real struggle is inside.
Isn't it just! The support is all on the utside and that's fine, but the real business of living withc ancer is happening on the inside. Don't you think? That's loke another story altogether. I do try and write from that point of view, try and communicate the internal dialogue, journey, fight, capitulation, surrender, whatever you want to call it.
last night I had a great dinner with friends and we ate beef, drank red wine and occasionally lookied in on the footy scorev - I mean the election score - whcih was a bit depressing.
As time goes on I realisie how much I actually despis ethe world I live in and how much I value and love my own life. It's a strange tension, but for some reason it rings true for me. I care less and less about the way we are treating the planet and each other inthat big macro sense of so-called democracy. I don't give a hoot any more.
But I care more and more about the things I can make out of my interior life and the life I share with my family and friends. That's just so real to me.
I imagine a boat load of asylum seekers landing on the coast of Western Australia and being told they are trespassing on BHP Billiton's land. What a joke. See you later. I want no further part of it. Stop peddling this negative racist crap. I'm getting on with the life I am making, each day that I live with cancer.
H
