the latest....

[Shennanigans]

so its not been an easy past few weeks for me. but that is nothing in comparison to what my dad must be dealing with right now. He's been keeping me at a distance with everything since i returned from the USA about 6 weeks ago. I knew this wasn't going to be easy... caring for him and being his crutch, but i believed i was strong enough to hide my emotions from him so he wouldn't feel bad. My goal has been to make sure he is happy and has what he needs and wants from the very beginning. looking back on October when we 1st found out about the cancer... and the months he spent going through treatment... the days i watched him change and almost disappear before my eyes.... he doesnt really look like himself anymore... but hes always gonna look like the tough man covered with tattoo's, brylcream in his hair raking leaves or mowing the lawn with a beer in one hand to me. ive been dwelling on the past a little these last few weeks, and its breaking my heart. Even now as i sit here typing this and thinking back i cant help but cry. I dont know how it is for other carers... i have managed so well and held it all together now for 4 and a half months. i guess this latest news has just taken what was remaining of my spirit and shattered it in to a hundred thousand shards of pain. My dads cancer has returned. and so soon. he only completed treatment in December 2011 and its rearing its ugly head again. on speaking to the radiation oncologist a week ago when i noticed the scab on his chin he told me what it may have been (on the phone because my dad is absolutely too stubborn to go anywhere before his appointment) if the cancer was returning so quickly, he mentioned a time frame of weeks maybe months for my dad to live. while i have my fingers crossed that he is wrong and i will have more time with my dad, i also dont want him to be in pain anymore. watching his suffering on a daily basis is torture. i guess in some way im not prepared to deal with all this in my own head... and Ive been ignoring the facts from the very beginning. But my emotions control me now and i need to find a strategy to dealing with them because i cant control the random outbreaks of tears and heartache. ON TOP OF ALL THIS.... ive basically been asked since mentioning to my aunts and uncle to "start getting things in order" so not only do i get to watch my father slowly and painfully leave me forever, i get to be the one (and i have two very capable brothers) who gets to do all the looking in to and working out the (i feel horrible even typing this and it turns my stomach) funeral details and costs. while i finally did manage to bring up the topic of him finally making a will, it was hard enough let alone being asked to go one step further. there is a question on the will kit that asks what his burial wishes are and its not something i want to bombard him over at this time. all i keep thinking about is how do cope when i loose my dad. hes been my strength now for too many years. When its been hard for me ive turned to him and when its been hard for him he turns to me. how do i just let all that go? what do i do when hes not here anymore. and i spend what time i have left here in australia in an empty house all alone. While i know ill always have my brothers, Beck and Nick there to support me... ive had to say good bye to not one... but both my parents before im even 28. my dad can be a complete ass... but flaws aside, hes turned me in to who i am today. and i really like who i have become as a person. and he may never tell me (because we dont really express feelings to each other in my family) but i see how much my dad loves me... how much he cares. and thats good enough for me.

[purpleangels]

Hey there! You are doing a great job.......keeping your head down and keeping it all together, working, sorting out your dad's appointments etc....is a massive task..... As for the 'difficult conversations' you need to have about his funeral wishes etc....I reckon just pick a time when it is quiet, he is relaxed and just go for it, telling him that you respect/ love/ admire him and want to fulfil his wishes to make him proud.....even give him an out by telling him that he doesn't have to talk about it just then, he ca think abut it, and you will abide by his wishes...... A tough conversation but once it is over......a sense of relief (been there done that) Thoughts and hugs coming your way..... Good luck!!!! PA

[Shennanigans]

thanks PA, its definitely not been an easy task to take care of my dad but i wouldnt be anywhere else right now! he has finally agreed to letting me help him create his will, and luckily there is a section on the will kit about funeral wishes so when we have to write it, that hard conversation is done at the same time. but thanks again 🙂 its good to know theres support on here !

[Judy_M_Hancock]

hi my name is judy i have lost my husband 1 month ago as he had a very aggresive cancer.He was 63 and full of life up untill 6 months ago he sounds a lot like your dad very stubbourn as well .Reading your comments reminded me of my 2 daughters they are close to your age i would love for you to talk to them as they had the same feelings as you do now .I looked after my husband as long as i could at home luckily i had a lot of support from family .Also i know how hard it is for you to talk about funeral arrangements i couldnt either so my dear daughter in law did she ran it passed me what i wanted and that was all i had to do its hard enough without also making arrangements.We tryed to make every thing special for him the girls even made a video of all his old photos he used to ride in rodeos and he was a farrier by trade they posted it on you tube .There father loved it and so did his friends even the nurses at the hospital had a look .I remember saying to the palative care nurse one day if you are going to be looking after my husband you are going to know about the man first he is just not someone dieing of cancer his name is les hancock so she also got on youtube and had a look.She came back and thanked me we got on great and she helped us a lot .there is so much more i could share with you and help in any small way as we have been there to and know your pain .But dont give up you can do this and you will never have any regrets even just sitting with your dad and listening to music or talking about old times we never talked about dyeing always kept positive till the end as i said to the nurse i would rather have some one positive beside me than someone who will be negative even though we knew there was nothing to be done for him.so i hope things get easier for you and if you would ever like to talk to me or my daughters the offer is there .if you go on you tube type in dadsmovie les hancock maybe you can do the same for your dad to .take care and i will speak to you later judy ..

[Judy_M_Hancock]

hi my name is judy i have lost my husband 1 month ago as he had a very aggresive cancer.He was 63 and full of life up untill 6 months ago he sounds a lot like your dad very stubbourn as well .Reading your comments reminded me of my 2 daughters they are close to your age i would love for you to talk to them as they had the same feelings as you do now .I looked after my husband as long as i could at home luckily i had a lot of support from family .Also i know how hard it is for you to talk about funeral arrangements i couldnt either so my dear daughter in law did she ran it passed me what i wanted and that was all i had to do its hard enough without also making arrangements.We tryed to make every thing special for him the girls even made a video of all his old photos he used to ride in rodeos and he was a farrier by trade they posted it on you tube .There father loved it and so did his friends even the nurses at the hospital had a look .I remember saying to the palative care nurse one day if you are going to be looking after my husband you are going to know about the man first he is just not someone dieing of cancer his name is les hancock so she also got on youtube and had a look.She came back and thanked me we got on great and she helped us a lot .there is so much more i could share with you and help in any small way as we have been there to and know your pain .But dont give up you can do this and you will never have any regrets even just sitting with your dad and listening to music or talking about old times we never talked about dyeing always kept positive till the end as i said to the nurse i would rather have some one positive beside me than someone who will be negative even though we knew there was nothing to be done for him.so i hope things get easier for you and if you would ever like to talk to me or my daughters the offer is there .if you go on you tube type in dadsmovie les hancock maybe you can do the same for your dad to .take care and i will speak to you later judy ..

[Judy_M_Hancock]

hi my name is judy i have lost my husband 1 month ago as he had a very aggresive cancer.He was 63 and full of life up untill 6 months ago he sounds a lot like your dad very stubbourn as well .Reading your comments reminded me of my 2 daughters they are close to your age i would love for you to talk to them as they had the same feelings as you do now .I looked after my husband as long as i could at home luckily i had a lot of support from family .Also i know how hard it is for you to talk about funeral arrangements i couldnt either so my dear daughter in law did she ran it passed me what i wanted and that was all i had to do its hard enough without also making arrangements.We tryed to make every thing special for him the girls even made a video of all his old photos he used to ride in rodeos and he was a farrier by trade they posted it on you tube .There father loved it and so did his friends even the nurses at the hospital had a look .I remember saying to the palative care nurse one day if you are going to be looking after my husband you are going to know about the man first he is just not someone dieing of cancer his name is les hancock so she also got on youtube and had a look.She came back and thanked me we got on great and she helped us a lot .there is so much more i could share with you and help in any small way as we have been there to and know your pain .But dont give up you can do this and you will never have any regrets even just sitting with your dad and listening to music or talking about old times we never talked about dyeing always kept positive till the end as i said to the nurse i would rather have some one positive beside me than someone who will be negative even though we knew there was nothing to be done for him.so i hope things get easier for you and if you would ever like to talk to me or my daughters the offer is there .if you go on you tube type in dadsmovie les hancock maybe you can do the same for your dad to .take care and i will speak to you later judy ..

[Shennanigans]

judy, thank you. from the bottom of my heart just reading that and taking a moment to watch the video was truly a pleasure. i have very minimal support from my relatives, like my aunts and uncles. i really only have my fiance, big brother and his fiance. though my big brother was hit so hard at loosing my mother 14 years ago that he is already repressing his feelings about my father and is barely able to hold himself together (though like my dad he tries not to show any sign of weakness). He helps me in other ways though, like i completely blanked out and dinged someones car with my car a few days ago and i broke down. being a survivor of a serious car accident 2 yrs ago myself, he understood and has helped me by sorting out repairs and insurance. my younger brother is completely shutting himself out too. the way i see it, im the only one capable of dealing with what needs to be done. but at nights when im alone is when i get to take care of my own feelings and let it all out. i am sorry for your loss. not only have i experienced loosing a loved one, i am now experiencing what so many people on here go through caring for a loved one. i can honestly say i would have it no other way... it has given me a chance to spend a lot more time with my dad then i would have under normal circumstances. he truly is an amazing man who has helped me become the person i am today. he prefers not to hug me, or talk about feelings.. he has been this way since my mum died. but when i went away for a break and to see my fiance he patted me on the shoulder... it was the first sign of affection ive had in 13 yrs and it made me feel loved and ive got so many treasured memories from these past few months that get me through the hard times.