we've come along way

[i_t]

I haven't blogged in such a long time... this time I don't need to vent. I just want to share my story. exactly a month ago, my mother asked me and my sister to bring her back to indonesia. The place where she was born and live till cancer came along may last year. We did as she said. Flew a direct flight from australia to indonesia, where my father was waiting for her. We even arranged an oxygen tank in flight for emergency. Which she ended up using because half way through the flight, she started panting. We've arranged a hospital room for her palliative care. Because at that point, she was pretty much bed ridden. For the whole one year when she was receiving chemotherapy... I always wished for a miracle. And to be honest, I've lost my faith. But if miracle do happen, I think that long 6 hours trip from aust-indo was her miracle considering her condition at the time. She was heavily dehydrated by the time we arrived in indonesia. She was admitted to the hospital since then till today. But she seems so happy to be back around her family, her brothers and sisters. Especially my father. Even her appetite increased dramatically. I left Indonesia 2 weeks after that. When I left, she was fragile and the doctor had to make a pick line through her stomach so that they can tap the fluid out of her stomach on daily basis. Her lungs started to be filled with fluid too. Since I got back to australia, i've been feeling very empty when i come home from work everyday. the dramatic change from not having anytime to myself to too much time. I cried the first day I got back. The thought of being so alone and leaving her behind hurts. Because I didn't know what condition she would be in when I see her next. I started spending all of my extra time after work being with friends drinking. It seemed to leave my troubles behind. Like it's not even there. Three weeks after my arrival back in australia, one of my sisters and the doctors who have been informing us of her condition told us that my mother has reached the last stage. She's gasping for air and living off oxygen tank now. She also contracted an infection which causes her to have fever. I arrived back to Indonesia two days ago. i've been with my mum since. staying at the hospital with her too. She sleeps most of the time, she doesn't complain of any pain. Just a lot of discomfort. At this stage, the doctors even decided to install a pick line into her lungs so that they can tap fluid out easily on a daily basis. She refused to eat since thursday though she's still drinking her milk and very little porridge since I got back. Weird thing is thing is that, I haven't cried once. i actually don't feel anything. I go as far as, I feel very sorry for her. But I don't feel anything. Not much at all. Is this normal?