I haven't blogged in such a long time...
this time I don't need to vent. I just want to share my story.
exactly a month ago, my mother asked me and my sister to bring her back to indonesia.
The place where she was born and live till cancer came along may last year.
We did as she said. Flew a direct flight from australia to indonesia, where my father was waiting for her. We even arranged an oxygen tank in flight for emergency. Which she ended up using because half way through the flight, she started panting. We've arranged a hospital room for her palliative care. Because at that point, she was pretty much bed ridden.
For the whole one year when she was receiving chemotherapy... I always wished for a miracle. And to be honest, I've lost my faith. But if miracle do happen, I think that long 6 hours trip from aust-indo was her miracle considering her condition at the time.
She was heavily dehydrated by the time we arrived in indonesia. She was admitted to the hospital since then till today. But she seems so happy to be back around her family, her brothers and sisters. Especially my father. Even her appetite increased dramatically.
I left Indonesia 2 weeks after that. When I left, she was fragile and the doctor had to make a pick line through her stomach so that they can tap the fluid out of her stomach on daily basis. Her lungs started to be filled with fluid too.
Since I got back to australia, i've been feeling very empty when i come home from work everyday. the dramatic change from not having anytime to myself to too much time. I cried the first day I got back. The thought of being so alone and leaving her behind hurts. Because I didn't know what condition she would be in when I see her next. I started spending all of my extra time after work being with friends drinking. It seemed to leave my troubles behind. Like it's not even there.
Three weeks after my arrival back in australia, one of my sisters and the doctors who have been informing us of her condition told us that my mother has reached the last stage. She's gasping for air and living off oxygen tank now. She also contracted an infection which causes her to have fever.
I arrived back to Indonesia two days ago. i've been with my mum since. staying at the hospital with her too. She sleeps most of the time, she doesn't complain of any pain. Just a lot of discomfort. At this stage, the doctors even decided to install a pick line into her lungs so that they can tap fluid out easily on a daily basis. She refused to eat since thursday though she's still drinking her milk and very little porridge since I got back.
Weird thing is thing is that, I haven't cried once. i actually don't feel anything. I go as far as, I feel very sorry for her. But I don't feel anything. Not much at all. Is this normal?
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thanks for the reply guys...
I'm feeling very overwhelmed lately. As her condition worsen, I'm finding it harder to keep my emotions inside. We are trying to make her feel as comfortable as possible and managing her pain.
I knew this day would come... but I wasn't prepared on how horrible cancer could impact and change a person - physically and mentally. And how FAST it takes our love ones away. My aunt died from breast cancer few years ago, but I was still so young, I was shielded from the reality.
But now, each day is a struggle for me and her. I'm tired emotionally and physically. I want to keep her forever with me but I also want to end her suffering because I can't stand watching her condition now.
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Today I realised that life is too short.
All the things I took for granted.
The time I had and not taking the chance to get to know you.
To have those funny moments that I can remember you by when you're gone.
Twenty three years were the time I was given to get to know you.
I took it for granted, for that I'm sorry.
Deep inside, I hope you know I love you.
I feel like I have forgotten how you used to look before you got sick.
I'm terrified at that thought because I don't want to remember how you look now.
I want to remember you, the real you. when you were healthy.
Every time I look at you now, I search for your old self in your eyes.
Because I feel like I'm losing a part of you each day...
You are not your old self anymore. And I'm sorry for being so selfish.
It hurts to see you suffering so much.
I'm so sorry that you have to suffer. Life is just so unfair.
Life is just about timing isn't it?
We are all sentenced for a time in this world.
Whatever comes must go. I accept that, but why? why the suffering?
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Thanks for the reply vinouche and Jules2.
Feels good to talk to someone who is on the same boat as me.
I'm 23 and I am clueless about all the feelings and emotions that I have been feeling.
My mum has been doing chemotherapy for a year now and nothing seems to work.
I always manage to shield myself from the bad news (every doctor visits). But I can't shield myself from seeing the disappointments in her eyes. She tries to hide it but I know she cries when she's alone and that's the thing that I find very heartbreaking. And I feel like reality is catching up with me and staring me right in the face. She's becoming so fragile and her kidney starting to fail and it's harder for me to avoid or ignore it. I just finally broke down and realised I need help outside of my circle of friends and family. A place where I can vent and rant without making anyone feeling confused, awkward or upset.
So thank you. 🙂
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As each day passes, I see my mum's health gone from bad to worst.
My heart ache but somehow at times, my brain suppresses and blocks it out.
I cry when I'm alone (driving home from work especially)
I'm starting to pull myself away from meeting or seeing my friends.
I refuse to talk about it with any of my friends because I know that any comfort words would not make me feel better.
Is this normal? I am so scared at the thoughts of losing her. Am I handling the situation right? I'm scared that I'm not dealing with it or worst, in denial about it.
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.