worried and scared

[Roz]

Hi hmmm not quite sure how to start , brain not functioning on all cylinders so much crap going on in there.

I just left my Ma 2 days ago she is still in hospital just diagnosed with cancer throughout her body she had a biopsy yesterday so will ahve final diagnoses nest week , But drs think primary is lun and she will go into pallitive care she is 91, But mums should  die right.  I had tocome home early as My hubby Neale has his oncolgist appt today , We where told last week that he has spinal compression from a small tumour he also has multiple  metastaic cancer. He is some back pain but no other symptoms , We were told that he was not to do any lifting. Neale is a bury your head in the sand kinda person . Thinks he is ok So i go out and he has lifted a bag of concrete" Im right he says". I just lost it I asked him if he wanted to be in a wheel chair OMG i wanted to shake him. Then I felt so bad.

At the moment I am trying to come to terms with my Ma's diagnosis , and today we will find out about hubbies treatment and prognosis I feel sick  in the tummy just writing that word. His oncologist has already prebooked him to see the radiation oncologist on monday , things are not looking to good.

I feel void of any emotion numb tired cant sleep ,not sure if I can hold it all together today ,am worried the flood gates will open . I feel bad as with the talk about mum I forgot about Neale and his feelings. does that make me a bad person . I feel that it does, I am scared for Mum I am scared for Neale and I am scared for me.  The past week had been crap and next week is going to be worse.crap crap crap. and double crap . Cancer sucks big time.

Roz

[Katekat]

Wow @Roz, what a week you've experienced!

So sorry to hear about your Ma's diagnosis, you are definitely not a bad person for thinking of her. I do hope you got some answers about Neale as well, how did his appointment go?

Please feel free to ring 13 11 20 as needed, the team are there to assist at times like this, or as you have done, post here. Thinking of you 

[Roz]

Hi Kate Well Neales oncolgy appt wasnt great. We has a radiation oncology appt today to have a Radiation cyle of 2 weeks to his back Then back to see oncologist on the 19th , He is commencing chemotherapy 2 weeks after radiation, He has to have a dental check prior as he will go on some drug for his bones also he will be on cortison while having Chemo. His chemo will be once every 3 weeks for 6 to 10 sessions. Its a lot to take in.I am feeling angry at the moment as Neale is walking around with hawian shirts on and singing always look on the bright side of life, arrrg I just want to throttle him.

I know its his way of coping .Then he turns around and says to  my daughter that seeing we are all together for easter maybe we should tell the grandkids. He hasnt even told his kids yet. I told him that my kids will discuss it with the grandkids in there own way. I recieved the talking to children from you guys from  my last phone councilling group. 

I ring my dad every day and should find out either tomorrow or wed what the plan is  I just want to be with my mum and dad. It sucks big time

I think I will ring that number you have given me tomorrow when Neale goes for his scan for radiation planing. 

Its just all a bit too much.

We asked about prognosis for Neale The oncologist said it was a hard thing to say , she mentioned months to 24mths. but with advancements its hard to say , there are other drugs and trials. 

We had planned a big trip in July acroos the centre to northern WA sadly we wont be able to do that . 

Cancer sucks and I hate it. Still feeling numb cant cry I just get angry .

Cheers Roz 

[Rosella52]

Hi Roz,

Keep your chin up, medicine is a marvellous thing hopefully you and Neile will get to do your wonderful trip.  I have to admit I admire his positive attitude I wish I were able to summon up the same amount of courage that he has.  

My family has been touched by cancer;  in 2005 my wonderful mother died of lung cancer, she was 72.   I still miss her every day.  I hope your dear mother is able to enjoy quality time in whatever time she has left.   My father had surgery for rectal cancer in 2007 and is now 84 and still going strong - he is a mean cranky old man.   My lovely sister had major surgery for cancer on the scalp in 2013 which came back despite the drastic surgery and radiotherapy.   She has metastises in the liver, lungs and bones and is currently receiving palliative care.  I have been recently diganosed with rectal cancer stage a or b - today was my first day of chemo/radio therapy which I breezed through and was feeling optimistic.  

Then I saw the doctor who informed me that the MRI and PET scans had showed lesions in the liver which are most likely metastasis; suffice it to say I am feeling very scared.   After the course of ray/chemo I am to have surgery to remove the tumour from the rectum which will involve a temporary colostomy - I still haven't come to terms with that!   Now I have been told I will also need to have surgery on my liver and another course of chemotherapy.   I HATE cancer!    

[Adrian72]

@Roz, thank you for having the courage to share and write what you are feeling and personally going through. Please remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel, as we are all individual and cancer affects us all in a different way. Ensure that you take the time to practice some 'self-care' (I am always being reminded by my fiance and friends that I need to do more of this!!).

Sorry to hear about your Ma and Neale.  Have you contacted the Team on 13 11 20? They are very helpful. Your courage to post and share with others on CCNSW community is a strength. Thinking of you and your family.

Adrian.